I feel so bad for men. So very bad for men. Maybe I feel bad for women too, but I definitely feel bad for men. Because I’m not sure if women have this thing I’m about to talk about? Well actually, there’s no use in talking about it. It’s better to illustrate my point with a story.
Hmm. There, uh, once was a nasty creature—a gollum of sorts. Smelly and smelly-looking, and an utter eyesore. Nasty creature. Imagine saggy little wrinkled breasts, and saggy little wrinkled cheeks, and a saggy little wrinkled nose, and gnarled teeth, and sparse hairs on the top of its balding head. Was it a woman? Certainly not. But was it a man? No. That couldn’t be it either.
In any case, it didn’t matter what sex it was. Because there’s no way it would ever procreate! No man or woman would ever dare approach such a nasty creature.
But this nasty creature—it didn’t live in a nasty place.
Rather, it lived in a beautiful forest rich with life: there were large flowers and pretty bees, and the sweetest chipmunks with the sweetest teeths. Everything was green. But there was also blue! There was blue in some of those flowers, and blue in the perfect, peaceful sky. And yadda, yadda, yadda. Call it heaven. I call it “the forest.” Either way, imagine what you will. Just please, please—imagine something nice!
Well the nasty creature…. Hmm. It’s impossible to tell how it ever made it to such a nice and noble place. Was it born there? Impossible. Did it blah? Did it bleh? Fly there on some unseen wings? It doesn’t really matter. What matters is that it was there and—jeez! It REALLY shouldn’t have been. The foul thing was made even fouler by comparison. Poor thing.
And perhaps it understood this. And perhaps this is why it hid in the deepest, darkest cave it could find.
To make matters worse, the poor creature couldn’t ever eat; the food in this Edenic forest was far too fine for its brutish, nasty taste.
And so the creature had to patiently wait for travelers and hikers to pass on by, whereupon it would feast on their flesh and bones.
But wait: earlier we said that no one would approach the thing. And so how did the creature ever find its sustenance? Did it lay traps? Did it spring out from some deep shadow and BLAAH!!! ?
Well call it magic, call it whatever you’d like. But the creature was awful sneaky. Somehow—perhaps by crushing up some of the gorgeous flowers and making vibrant pigments and such—the creature managed to transform itself in a beautiful woman. A woman so beautiful, in fact, her beauty absolutely matched and even surpassed the beauty of the heavenly surroundings.
And so this is where I feel sorry for men. Because of course, they made for incredibly easy prey. “She” would easily seduce any traveler with a quick glance, a little motion of the hand: ‘come here.’ That much is expected.
What is not expected, however—and this is why I feel so sorry for men—is that the creature eventually grew bored of such easy feasts. It wanted more of a challenge. And so eventually, it began to tell the men that it wasn’t as beautiful as it seemed. It began to alert them to be careful. To know that “she” was actually a nasty, wrinkled creature with three hairs, etc.
But to her dismay, none of the men ever cared! Even when she said she would eat them, none of the men ever cared; as long as there was a chance for a kiss and perhaps a chance for something more, they were happy to risk their organs and their ribs.
…but perhaps necessarily so. Because if you dispel a man of his illusions—if you guarantee him there’s a 0% chance of a kiss—then he immediately grows a three-gut and a want of death. And perhaps there is no greater enemy and nothing so foul as that. Indeed, the want of death is even worse than death itself.
And so perhaps the nasty creature is death. And perhaps the beautiful woman it turns itself into is this life with all of its promises and magic spells!