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Jalex Hansen has an affinity for creating stories of rebellion, challenges and self-discovery. She believes that, in a perfect world, everyone would have a voice and writing would be the ultimate weapon. Jalex has been known to engage in lightsaber fights and airsoft wars. She is inspired by strong women, unsung heroes, and large amounts of ice cream. Sometimes she writes.
Francis W. Porretto
on Oct. 04, 2011 :
As we old farts used to say: Now you're cooking with gas!
Segment 1.3 has a lot going for it. In particular, it has more drive and a snappier pace than the previous segments. Various characters are coming into sharp focus, and the direction of the conflict over the remainder of the story is taking definite shape in the reader's mind. All very, very good.
BUT...You're still bedeviled by avoidable low-level mistakes. There are fewer this time, mainly "homophone errors" of the sort to which many writers are prone. But there are also number errors, which are particularly annoying to an attentive reader. Here's one:
“Ah, of course, you don’t talk to him anymore. So sad, his mistakes, his choices. Drugs can warp a person. Make them do things they wouldn’t normally do."
"A person" is singular. "Them" and "they" are plural. TILT! This should properly be:
“Ah, of course, you don’t talk to him anymore. So sad, his mistakes, his choices. Drugs can warp a person. Make him do things he wouldn’t normally do."
Or, if you're squeamish about the "he, his, and him are the generic singular pronouns" convention:
“Ah, of course, you don’t talk to him anymore. So sad, his mistakes, his choices. Drugs can warp people. Make them do things they wouldn’t normally do."
Give someone a map and they became an expert in all things.
"Someone" is singular. "They" is plural. TILT! There are other occurrences, but I won't belabor the point.
You could still use some help with punctuation, and there are a few other minor grammatical missteps. But the quality of the story is high, and I sense that you're now at "cruising speed." 4.5 stars, but I "round up." I look forward to reading the rest of the saga.
(reviewed within a month of purchase)