Confidence forms people's opinion of you long before they even speak to you. I have never been a confident person, this month has been challenging but I am glad I went on this journey. More
Sometimes I get really scared to go after my dreams for the fear that I will fail. Or that I will embarrass myself and people will laugh at me. Take this book as an example, for the past three months I have been working on the series, I have thought of not publishing it severally. Unlike my other books, this one is personal, the other books are fiction and I do not care what you think of it. This series is more intimate. You are going to read it and then judge me, it’s inevitable. Some of you will like me because you can relate to some of the things I am writing about. Some will not really care because it just does not affect them one way or the other. And others will hate on principle alone. I am a likable person and a people pleaser like we established before, I do not want you to hate me but I cannot form your opinion for you. So despite the deep fear that some people might not like me or read my books and feel like I am spoilt, I am going to publish them. I read a lot of successful people books and listen to a lot (and I mean a lot) of self-improvement channels on YouTube. I basically live on YouTube, I sleep watching YouTube and wake up watching YouTube, I do not know how people survived without it (this is an addiction I will try to break one day, but it sure beats being addicted to drugs). Come on, YouTube has everything, it is basically an alternate universe and as a writer I consume it. Excessively. My addiction to YouTube aside what I was trying to say (I get distracted every so often) is I have learned the definition of courage is not doing what you want to do but doing what scares you pantless. After I publish this series, I will be sleepless for days. I personally feel like courage and confidence go hand in hand. Not the huge courage to kill Goliath with a stone as David did, I mean more like the courage to approach your boss with a new idea even though he/she scares you. The courage to wake up in the morning even when you have nothing more to live for. The courage to say I love you to those you treasure even if they can rip your heart to shreds. The courage to keep trying even though you have failed over and over and over again. Have I mentioned to you how much my desire to lose weight and get a job has broken my heart several times? Most days it feels like I am ramming my head onto a stone wall several times. First and foremost I am a writer and I will always be a writer, but I need a paying job as I try to establish myself. I need to survive, buy stupid things like food and water. When I graduated I thought it would be easy, I was like hey, I am an engineer now, all I have to do is send in a few applications and someone will see I am a hot commodity and snatch me up. That did not happen. I am now living with my grandma, trying to grow vegetables as my contribution to the household.
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