Real Men Don't Do Desitin
Think of this book as a survival guide for the modern male who will soon be having children. In it, you'll learn all about baby care task-avoidance techniques; why you should never talk to a woman who's breast-feeding; pottie-training for dummies; why you should quit pretending to wash your hands after you pee; and much, much more. Caution: women should NOT read this book - please! More
WARNING: This book is intended for men. If you are a woman (especially a woman of child-bearing age), please stop reading immediately. Please! We don’t read your girls-only books like “Our Bodies, Ourselves” or “The Color Purple,” do we???
Here's part of the introduction:
So—you’re going to be a Dad. By now your wife has picked up several informative books, like "What To Expect When You’re Expecting," and "The Pregnancy Survival Guide". These are good, solid texts with lots of helpful information, if you’re a woman. But what about us men? What will prepare us for our destiny as Dads? Surely not those books with a decidedly female slant, medical information, and serious discussions of pregnancy-related changes in a woman’s body. Eeeeeew. This book is not meant to be scientific or medical in any way. And it is definitely not written for the girls. It will, however, clue you in on a few important things you guys need to know now that your wife is pregnant. In it, you’ll learn about:
* Baby care task-avoidance techniques.
* Family financial matters (how to declare bankruptcy without giving up your boat).
* All kinds of medical stuff that might freak you out.
* How to deal with (evade) sex during pregnancy.
* How to deal with the dearth of sex that follows pregnancy.
* Why you should never, ever, talk to a woman who is breast-feeding.
* How to keep regurgitated baby food off of your Armani.
*And much, much more.
Here's an example of the valuable information you'll gain, from Chapter V, Baby-proofing your house:
Baby-proofing the house is a simple procedure all new parents must go through, whereby they make their dwelling into one big cushioned safe-area for the baby. This basically turns your entire house into one of those padded rooms in which they lock insane people — a completely appropriate decor for a new parent like you.
As the parent of this new young, vibrant, clueless life form, it’s up to you to protect it from injury, even if this means making a few sacrifices like living the next three years of your life without a coffee table. No, you will not have anywhere to rest your drink while you watch TV, but this is no big deal since you will not be allowed to have a drink in the living room anyway, as the glass may also present a hazard. In fact, you might as well just pack all of your breakable, dangerous dishware into a box right now, and hide it in the attic where it will present no danger until your child grows old enough to sneak into the attic and put his foot through your bedroom ceiling.
The most important aspect of baby-proofing your house is the removal or covering-up of the sharp edges present on furniture. If you have expensive furniture which you don’t want to get rid of, you’ll need to take the covering-up route. This can be accomplished by buying strips of sticky-back foam padding. Once applied, you can not remove this stuff from any form of wood, metal, or plastic, even with a blow torch. A 10 month old teething baby, however, will gnaw it away with little effort. Since the sticky-backed foam is not meant for human consumption (it says so right on the label), once you’ve applied it to the furniture you will have to then get rid of all that expensive, foam-covered furniture, to prevent your child from poisoning himself. This is why I recommend just throwing all of your furniture away in the first place. Or, in the alternative, you can rent a storage space and put it in there until your child is old enough to obey the words “do not eat or head-butt this,” when he gets out of college. By then the furniture will be out of date, and your wife will insist on replacing it. Which brings me back to throwing it away...
Read more in the free sample!
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