Wanted: Cat Assassin
By Jason Rizos
Copyright 2011 Jason Rizos
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Craigslist, Portland -- Pets Listings -- Wanted: Cat Assassin
Seeking expert cat assassin for two medium/medium-large sized cats abandoned at the residence beside me, <Address Redacted>, Portland, OR. The ideal candidate’s expertise in cat extermination will go beyond simply tossing them into a burlap bag and chucking them into the nearby Willamette River. (Though the University of Portland campus is just two blocks away and offers ample and scenic cat-tossing vistas, I have found that cats disposed of in this manner demonstrate a possible, albeit slim, chance of reappearing upon the stoop of their former residence.) A successful candidate will propose a solution that is both foolproof and affordable, while relieving me the tedium of cat carcass, entrails, or viscera, strewn about my adjacent property.