There’s only one way to make sure your bowels pass through your poop deck without looking like they hosted a NASCAR event: Fiber. Men should eat 30-38 grams of fiber a day. Some experts say it should be as high as 60 grams a day. Guess how much the average guy eats? 10-15 grams! Everyone’s worried about carbs and proteins but if you’re going to bottom, you better keep an eye on your fiber intake. Here’s why:

* It keeps your shit together. Soluble fiber (like bananas) dissolves in water but isn’t digested, so it absorbs excess liquid in the colon, forms a thick gel and adds lots of bulk as it parades up Intestinal Hill and down to Rectum Road. Like most gay pride parades, it picks up hitchhiking stragglers. It also softens and pushes through impacted fecal matter. The fiber, I mean, not gay pride. Though you could make a case for that, too.

* They give shape to your shit. Ever see those Tokyo transit guys pushing passengers in with those sort of giant Schwab sticks so they can get more people into the train? That’s what insoluble fiber (like broccoli) does. Since it won’t dissolve in water and can’t be absorbed by the body, it passes through your stomach essentially intact, compacting “passengers” into the intestinal train and giving them the best shape to go through the colon.

So here’s what you need to do if you want a tongue-worthy sphincter:

1. Eat 40 grams of fiber a day. Which foods have the highest soluble and insoluble fiber? Google it. I ain’t writing a nutrition column here.

2. Drink lots of water. Fiber without water is like condoms without lube. It’s going to hurt like hell.

3. Take Fiber Supplements. I like Konsyl, even though it tastes like sawdust. It has the highest fiber content, though, so I don’t have to take it as often as other brands. Start with one dosage a day and work yourself up to three. S-L-O-W-L-Y. Too much fiber at one time gives you gas. Bedrooms are No Farts Zones. You don’t want your partners dying of auto-not-so-erotic asphyxiation.

Remember, you’re not aiming for the boys at Brita to raise a glass of your butt spit and say, “Now THAT’S filtered water!” You’re aiming for the ability to get yourself squeaky clean with just a little finger-mopping in the shower.

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