FOOLS! By Joseph Mackey

Published byJoseph Mackey at Smashwords

Copyright 2008 Joseph Mackey

Table of Contents Prologue Chapter 1 The Suitcase Man Chapter 2 The Man at FAU who slipped in his own vomit and busted his balls Chapter 3 The guy who got kicked in the nuts by a mule Chapter 4 The people who drop valuables in the toilet Chapter 5 My Own Friends Chapter 6 The guy who covered himself in honey and got stung 200 times Chapter 7 Some old woman who dropped her dentures in the toilet and kissed people Chapter 8 I swear its true some guy sat in pasta Chapter 9 A math professor accidentally drops his pants while lecturing Chapter 10 Students at FAU who skipped on 30% of their grade Chapter 11 What are you looking at, oh nothing Chapter 12 two guys making out at KFC Chapter 13 Fools Chapter 14 More Fools Chapter 15 Perverts Chapter 16 Random Stupidness Chapter 17 stupidity and crime Chapter 18 Damn it all Chapter 19 My Girlfriend Leah Chapter 20 Epilogue Prologue Good day people who read this book. I’m Joseph Mackey, a sociologist, an observer of human activity. I also tend to observe, like most people do, acts of stupidity. This is the basis for the book I am writing. Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. These people never actually did any of the events in my book. This is purely for entertainment. The book is also about the adventures me and my friend Dave had while exploring the limits of idiocy. It originally started out as a joke between me and my college friend, Dave Chandra. In this book will be 123 pages of the stupidest things you could imagine people doing, and many things you wish you had done in college. Some people are awarded the buffoon award for being true “geniuses” quote unquote. With that being said, let the buffoonery begin. Have fun as I take aim at frat boys, businessmen, professors, perverts, college students, construction workers, strippers, hookers, drunks, stoners, old people, and even President Bush. The last chapter should be considered a public service announcement as I say damn it all regarding the fools, because we need to fix our society, or it will fall from foolery. And that is not fictional, unlike some of the book. Chapter One In the first chapter we have a man who repeatedly dropped his suitcase in the Tri Rail toilet. A friend and I, who took the bus to school, could not stop laughing. My friend’s name is David Chandra. He and I were going to write the book together, but he didn’t like it so I am doing it now. Anyways he and I were cracking up and we said oh man, what a moron. Suitcase guy did this around 9 times before realizing he should leave his briefcase outside the toilet. This originally happened in my junior year of college, starting in late 2003, September or October. This man is worthy of our most esteemed award (yeah right), the Buffoon Award (insert fanfare here). This consists of Dave and I sitting around telling jokes about him, laughing at him, and pretending to rubber stamp the word idiot on his head. He received the Buffoon Award several times during my tenure at FAU. This is where I first heard of this man of legendary idiocy. I am sure he does other things too, but I will have to wait and hear about that. The worst thing is when he dropped his suitcase, other people would fish it out for him. I don’t know about you, but I would just leave it there. I certainly would not put my hands in to help this goof. The people who helped him deserve the idiot trophy. And we give it to him. It’s not literally a trophy, but you get the point. The guy is ,unfortunately, the product of the education system of the United States. This education system has been failing people since it started. Education has always had its flaws, but as time goes on things aren’t supposed to decline. However, it has badly. However amusing these people’s actions are, it is a sign of a more serious problem, people are stupid. He is also the product of people going against common sense, which people chip away at more and more. Seriously, common sense is dying because individuals think that people are stupid. Some think, I don’t want to do what people normally do, even if it is right. This becomes habitual, and eventually common sense dies out. The suitcase guy graduates to other forms of foolishness. He accidently dropped his pants in the toilet one day. I know what you’re thinking, there isn’t a man alive who could be so stupid, but you’re wrong , and I have eyewitness evidence to back it up. Suitcase guy went to work smelly, and covered in his own slop, which is the nice way of putting it haha. Here, Dave and I play the trumpet fanfare. It is time for the moron Marathon where the only competitor is suitcase guy. In this event, he runs the entire marathon. And he keeps running. First he loses his suitcase, then his pants. How does he hold down a job? He cannot do so. Eventually he does not but more on that will be said later. Ha ha more on, I made a joke. Anyways he wins the race and is given the idiot trophy. I know your thinking that there is no way it gets worse. However, you would be wrong. One day I go to the train station and I see the guy slip in the stuff he dropped his pants in Dave is there so of course were howling at the sight of this. Luckily I had gloves on, so I help the man to his feet after much laughing. I asked him what was going on. He mentioned he had a bit of an accident on the way to work. I try not to laugh at this, and I ask if he had been drinking the night before. It turns out he has, he said he always does. He drank a fifth of whiskey before work every day and another fifth to avoid his wife’s nagging. I said well that explains everything. Drinking, by the way, only makes your problems worse. It also makes you do things that get you in the fool’s hall of fame. I tell him I know he’s the infamous suitcase guy. By the way, I mention, he is a fool who always keeps me amused He is like who, I say the suitcase guy, the train guy who always drops his suitcase in the toilet. Dave just laughs and calls him an idiot. I say Dave cut it out…. save it for later. The suitcase guy says no he is right. I am an idiot. He can say it and so should you. So I do. I call him an idiot for his drinking too. Dave was helpless on the floor laughing when he hears all this. So then the guy gets off the bus and trips. He lands in a puddle and says oh %$#@!. That was hilarious. He then goes off to work which ironically is at FAU. He was later fired for being an idiot. That was the reason for letting him go. The boss told him get a clue, or buy one. He then just leaves never to be seen again, until the next burst of his intellect comes around. Around 3 o’ clock the same day his intellect shows again. He tried to come to work on a skateboard. He got a new job doing pizza delivery. So he is skating down the road in broad daylight. There are tons of people to watch his stupidity. He tries to go as fast as he can. He hits a bump and goes flying, landing face first. He was bouncing, and he finally landed on the pizza box he was carrying. Of course Dave and I said hey that is the suitcase guy. I laughed and walked away with the pizza, after helping the old fool off the ground. It turns out his named is Jason Tepes. (For those of you unfamiliar with Romanian that means the impaler.) It is an odd name since he is too stupid to be murderous. He claims his friends gave it to him for no reason. He said he got the job because he’s in love with a male stripper and wanted to keep him happy with gifts. I said strippers make enough money to buy you gifts! So this idiot went on doing the delivery, even though I split the pizza with Dave. I tried to tell him he did not have a pizza to deliver anymore. He actually went to the customer’s house without the pizza. I thought. What a moron. This guy makes 7.50 an hour used to be an executive, and is trying to buy gifts for his gay lover. The stripper makes 250- 350 bucks an hour. Hmmm, maybe I should be a stripper or work in a bar where strippers work. Guys like to buy them drinks, so I would make a lot of money. Eventually, he tells his wife, but that’s another story. I may write the epilogue of that story in the second book. By the time all these events happen it is eleven a.m. and I missed all my classes. Dave drives us to the mall, and we try to get dates . I come up empty-handed for a while, but then out of nowhere a pretty girl with purple hair shows up. She was skipping her classes at FAU. Her name is Jamie. She leaves with me. Dave does not leave empty-handed either. However, Dave likes fat chicks, and he gets one that weighs 400lbs. He then tries to have sex with her. I am ecstatic for him. Just kidding, but I am sure you believed it or wanted to believe it. And I have nothing against fat women, I have something against my friend. If he really does like them, I say getting laid is getting laid. After that, we see some fool trying to pick up girls. He was using lame lines, such as I lost my phone number can I have yours? Of course, this does not work and he loses every chance he gets. It is Valentine’s day and a bad one for him. It was a good one for Dave and I. Poor pizza guy did not get to spend time with the stripper of his dreams, as the guy turned out to be 100% heterosexual. Mr. Lame lines finally got a date, but it seemed this chick was desperate. He said the phone number line and she quickly agreed to go out with him. It turned out that she was from an escort service. He found out and said he did not care, until he realized he owed her around 3000 dollars. He said do you take credit cards? The escort did. He tried to put the card in her boobs, but she just left with it. Apparently he did not care because he said the sex was good. I asked how much was on that card and he says it is thirty grand. Of course, I laughed at this and decided this was the best I have seen all night. That was until I realized that the hooker was born a man. That is right, she used to be a he. I told him and man was he pissed, he also pissed his pants. I didn’t blame him. He sued her escort company for false advertising, and won a huge settlement in a court of law. This could start a new trend. Stay tuned for Fools 2, the follow up to Fools! Dave got laid and he was happy, I got laid and I was happy, However, pizza guy was hurting. Pizza guy was hit in the face with his last delivery too. So I then decide to leave Boca having had the best Valentine’s day ever. I laughed with Dave about how much of an idiot pizza guy was. The next few days I look for stuff to write about, but nothing comes up for three weeks, they were the most boring three weeks of my life it seemed. Then it happens, a guy tries to rob a Brinks truck. And he puts a sack full of coins in each pocket. What a moron. I guess he thought cash would look too suspicious. He also tried to carry some change over his head. The poor dope got sacked by Dave, who decided to pull the guys pants down when the cops came, so he would have to decide whether or not to get his pants or run around half naked. Escape jail time and look like a fool, or go to jail with some dignity. What would you choose? Well it turns out he did not have a choice, the sack of coins he was holding over his head dumped on him, and the cops refused to give him his pants till he got in the squad car. It was great, me and Dave did air guitar when the cops cuffed him and Dave was a star for that day. Of course the dope went for his pants just like Dave thought he would. I would have ran if it was me, but this guy is a “genius” As it was Dave and I got pictures of that too, the quote unquote genius with his pants down while being arrested(he had on boxers don’t worry) these pictures will be in the next book, more buffoons. He wanted to run but thought he would look stupid without his pants. So then Dave and I celebrate because not only did he see a gross act of buffoonery, he became a hero! I give him a hero’s celebration for helping catch the “genius”. He got a bunch of wine, champagne, and tons of food. He shared some of the food, although again he ate 3 whole pizzas. I couldn’t believe it because Dave is not a huge guy who you would expect to eat that much; in fact he’s pretty average size for his height. I tried to eat 2 but couldn’t surprising since I was a weightlifting king at my school at the time. The next day we find out the robber is suitcase guy, which is hilarious, but somehow he got away from the cops, thankfully he had a facemask on when he was arrested, but those dopey officers didn’t take it off when he was arrested. In fact, they practically gave him the key to the cuffs and his cell. So we go out looking for stupid/ insane people, but come up with nothing so we wind up going to class. Dave gets mobbed especially by girls because he ended up on the front page of the news. So he calls for me to help him but I say you’re on your own buddy and dart off to class before they come for me too. He shouts I’ll get you for this Joe! Then in his desperation he tells the mob that I’m the one that pantsed the robber (pulled his pants down) it was great because the coins flew out of his pockets when Dave did it. They knew Dave was lying though because they picture shows me just laughing and Dave with his hands on the guy’s pants. So the mob takes him away I’m pointing and laughing at him, and he eventually busts loose from the group. It appeared they were trying to make him king or something. They catch him again and put him on the front page of the FAU news, the Boca News doing an interview on how it feels to be a hero. He responds by saying he’s a hooligan not a hero. I agree with that on camera, I went on to make some comments as I am his friend and was at the scene of the crime. We grabbed someone and re-enacted the scene of the crime on camera. He says it was the first thing he could think of doing. I say it’s pretty damn funny what he did. He says he’s done this several times, but usually not to criminals. I believe it and it shows as he does this to lots of people, but thankfully never to me. Me and Dave have a laugh over this. He’s like what do you expect Joe these people, they’re idiots! I agree they are idiots. I certify again that Dave is in fact a hooligan. In fact, I even verify this officially in writing. So after all the idiocy of this chapter, me and Dave do the play by play, instant replay etc haha. We point out on camera all the stupid things that happened then slow it down so people can comprehend how these things happen. Again this is what happens when common sense is chipped away at slowly. This is scary people .who knows what will happen next, you should be afraid, very afraid. The decline of intelligence is amusing but also saddening. Oh and the pizza guy got fired because he showed up without the pizza too many times. He must have had more accidents, or just gotten hungry and ate them. I heard from Dave that he tried to get into the army so he could make something of himself. Unfortunately, they threw him out on his ass because he was too damn stupid, but he got called back saying they needed stupid people a week later, for the war. He got called home as a hero after a two year service enlistment. Imagine this goof getting a congressional medal of honor. Well he did he was very lucky and saved his commanding officers life. It was in the news and everything. No I am joking, but he did very well and he even got a promotion if he ever came back. He decided to stay a family man. The army got him his old job back with a promotion. He called me and Dave to his office when he saw us again. He wanted to give us jobs being his gophers. I was like no way, Dave said no too. We weren’t going to work for a fool no matter how much he paid us to. He was going to pay us to be his fools. So we walked out and it turned out that thanks to his big mouth (he spilled government secrets) he was fired again. This would have meant that me and Dave would get his job. So we kicked our own asses for not taking the gopher positions. In any case, we started to making fun of him again. He actually wound up going to jail for his idiot actions. He got two years in a military prison. I was shocked that anyone could be that dumb, but me and Dave put on judge wigs and slammed a gavel sentencing him to five years as a moron, doing hard time. He got out of jail a disgrace to just about everyone. Kids made fun of him, he couldn’t get a date with anyone for a year at least, after his wife divorced him and the government seized his house and car. He eventually wound up being homeless and bums would fight with him over who got the best part of the alley to sleep in. He eventually got a pardon and went back to the army. He became a career soldier too. He is probably in Afghanistan or Iraq fighting with rebels at the moment. I found out later that he went AWOL just tonight Dave told me the guy went AWOL. Oh well the poor guy wound up being sent to Canada by mistake anyways so he will be ok. I laughed and said that guys got some luck. He woke up that day and said guess what? I’m going to jail. But he wound up going to Canada by accident, the army policeman who made that mistake, letting him go on the wrong plane was kicked out of the army I am sure. He eventually got his old job back and dropped his suitcase again and again on the tri rail. It gets less funny each time but hey, it still amuses me and Dave. We don’t laugh our butts off over it anymore, but there’s plenty of other stuff later that will make you do it .Well anyways, he got followed up on by Dave, and I am happy to say he stopped dropping suitcases by going to A.A. not alcoholics anonymous, but idiots anonymous. He stood up and claimed A.A. saved his life. He decided to go in there and be like my name is John and I have an idiocy problem. The group was like you’re a moron. Just kidding they were very supportive. He said to them I have a suitcase dropping problem, it caused me to go on all sorts of wild adventures. They tried their best but couldn’t cure him of his problems. Eventually he went through a midlife crisis and tried to become a rock superstar. He tried to enlist Dave and me to be part of his band. I said ok as long as we can call the band fools in honor of…. you. Well he didn’t like that, but it was true. So he agreed and we actually played a decent show, his wife went up to him and started kicking his ass though because he was acting stupid. He was hitting up women while Dave played the drums and I played the guitar solo. He was singing and playing bass badly, but who cared the band was called fools and that’s what we acted like. We had a good time though. Me and Dave partied until 4 am at Wackadoos. However the suitcase guy wound up passed out drunk in his own vomit and also in a trash can. We took pictures of this too, and they will be in the movie and the next book. I was like of course, no one could help this fool, which I went to the meetings to see what they did there, and to help Dave admit he was a fool. Just kidding again, Dave isn’t a fool,…….. yet. But he may become one if he keeps hanging with them or trying to teach them. I actually tell him to stay away from them, or he will become one of them. It’s too late for them though. They’re stuck as fools for life. Despite this fact, Dave and I tried our best to make educated fools out of the college population, but failed miserably, until we graduated, then we just stopped trying. When we graduated we took one look back, and faking anger we shouted fucking fools! The day after the suitcase guy decided to try a concert again and we did it, quite well in fact, he played the bass this time. I rocked out on the guitar and Dave did drums. The crowd loved us but his wife came back and started beating on his ass again, mostly because he was a bad influence on us she said.We were too busy trying to score with the chicks to care. We went around saying congrats, we graduated. We were drinking and whooping it up on stage while the guys getting his butt kicked, he calls for help but I say against a football player or two, sure, an angry woman, you’re on your own buddy. Chapter Two A man slips in his own vomit and busts his balls. This is one I saw on my own unfortunately. It happened a few days after Valentine’s day 2004. Dave had apparently said something stupid, and now I’m like Dave now you got God out to get us he laughs and agrees and says he shouldn’t have said what he did. Well apparently God was out to get someone but it wasn’t us. He was out to get the pizza guy before it. He was also out to get some poor guy hooking up with a hooker. The next story shows me that the almighty has a sense of humor. It is priceless. This story is the reason I don’t drink or do drugs. I go to the bathroom one day at school and am almost run over by a huge guy who apparently drank too much because he fell over trying to get into the bathroom. I help him up and he goes in and pukes his guts. He’s hung over still and misses and gets stuff everywhere. I am in shock at this and even more so when he stumbles and falls so badly that he bashed his nuts into the toilet. I didn’t see it but he shouts ahhhh I broke my balls so loud that my calling the emts wasn’t needed, some happened to be passing by a mile back. So the paramedics come in and they see what happened and they’re like shit Joe this is the fifth time this week someone’s done this, and also have a look on their faces that suggests this is funny. So I’m like he’s drunk just to let you know. They say we know he’s done this before, so have we. They pick him up puts his pants back on him and Dave happens by. So I tell him the details of the incident and then were like IDIOT in our loudest voices. We then go off to celebrate my witnessing of human idiocy at its height with pizza at the buffet Dave eats much more than I do in his celebration he ate 3 whole pizzas I had 8 plates of food and felt fine except for the runny nose I get when I eat a lot. Dave threw up and I jokingly call him a buffoon. So then afterwards they’re still trying to help the guy and the ambulance is outside and we see just how bad the guys messed up. The doctor arrives and busts out laughing when he hears my story of what happened. I tell him I am deadly serious and he almost joins me and Dave in celebrating the stupidity too. He’s really tempted to do so, and it appears the doctor is intoxicated. In fact he is, but the guy didn’t know that (note this part is fiction). The doctor also has a secret, he claims he is in love with a stripper, but this one is female, it’s his wife (or so he claims) But he gives the guy a shot of morphine (remember he literally busted his balls) and then tries to patch him up at FAU’ s medical center. They were unsuccessful, unfortunately, and me and Dave mourn sorrowfully the man’s sex life going down the drain. He warns the man this is why you shouldn’t drink so much. Apparently his blood alcohol level was .25. He was seriously impaired. He was so wasted I am surprised he didn’t go in the women’s bathroom by mistake. As it was me and Dave were laughing again, and this time while he was laying down he got rubber stamped with the word moron on it. The doctor actually put us up to it, saying he would stop doing things like this, so we thought hey that’s a good idea so we did it. The next day, he woke up with the words idiot and moron stuck on his head in bright black and red letters so everyone could see it. He of course is embarrassed to hell and runs to the bathroom. So while he’s still drunk he goes to his frat room. We warned him about drinking again but he didn’t listen. I told him God was out to get him (jokingly) One of his buddies decides to have a little fun with him. He brings him to the dorm room, dresses him in girl clothes and gets the other guys to make him do the walk of shame. Now, to make this better one of his friends woke up naked next to him. He flipped out and firmly resolved never to do drugs or alcohol for the rest of his life. Me and Dave are on hand to witness the walk of shame and we both took a pic of this moron. He didn’t actually have sex with another man, but he didn’t know that. He ended up in our most highly esteemed fools hall of fame. The guy he supposedly slept with really was gay, but didn’t try anything, it must have been hard for him, since the other guy was the pretty boy type. It turns out later that both of them started stripping at Tattle Tales bar and grill in Margate. And yes they did eventually become lovers they had a marriage ceremony in May of last year, me and Dave attended and were given thanks for helping get those two together. They broke up though because Tits Mc Gee fell in love with a stripper and it was a woman stripper not his male one. That’s what I thought would happen. So after the fraternity incident we meet the doctor again who was high while on duty. He was like now the joint is in someone else’s hands, what are you gonna do now? I thought about that and said what if the joint was in his lawyer’s hands while he was on trial. He could go to jail for life or be executed. If it was in my professor’s hands I could flunk out of college, and if it was in the bus driver’s hands I‘d never make it to college alive. Well we break into his office and smoke a joint with him, then I tell him the gummy bears are out to get you. Of course, he flips out and lands in a garbage can where he spends the night because he is so messed up. Of course he also likes the sauce. Well of course we party hard at the doctor’s residence hall where he is put on academic probation the next day for getting an F on his final exam because he was so drunk he barely got his name right. It was his final, final exam. Of course seeing as he was so close to graduation and then he made one careless error, they let him try again. He barely got by, bringing his gpa up to a 3.5 and graduating. He then decides to throw another party where he passes out blunts to everyone who attends. Of course me and Dave come, but we bring the moonshine, and make fun of the doctor who is passed out drunk at his party. We crash at his place, while he goes around pretending he’s a TV doctor. The picture will be in my next book. We again sang somebody told me and pointed at him while doing so. The moral of the story? Don’t drink around your buddies, they will get you for it, and so will Dave and I. We live for this, by the way, we are making a video of this too. The next day he’s at it again so we decide to have more fun with him when he gets wasted. We give him a fake id with a porn star name, Busty Bridgette, and he eventually gets wasted after we put the id card in his pocket. He got dressed in drag soon after being drunk, which made this even better. The shenanigans started around 9am when I got to school. So me and Dave parade him around in the drag with his fake id. He was a military student as well so this is just great I think. I then show the pictures to his captain, and the guy just laughs. Then later it turns out he made him do pushups in the drag, and serve in the chow line while in drag. He took a few pictures himself as blackmail ammunition. I thought that was cruel, I mean blackmail isn’t cool, having fun is though. I was just out to mess with the guy, not completely humiliate him. Apparently the army has a lot of sadists in it. So then I take the picture I had taken and make copies to send all over FAU and Boca Raton. Of course Dave drives us all over the city and I drop the pictures like leaves all over Boca, while Dave roars laughing. Apparently it spread fast that the guy likes this stuff and everyone points and laughs when they see him again. Of course, we had to sing somebody told me and point at him when he came back to Boca. I thought man, me and Dave are evil people to do this to him, but not feeling sad for our actions, I kept them up. Idiocy gets no mercy when we are around. Of course, it was more my idea than Dave’s so I naturally planned everything out. It was pretty funny though when the guy saw his pictures in trees and sewers and in the auditorium. Finally, he saw it on the school scoreboard blown up so all the students who missed it could see it. Of course, he is embarrassed to hell about this and vows revenge on whoever did that. Well he gets the wrong guy and starts a prank war, which he loses badly since he picked a real practical joker to get revenge on. It turns out that he eventually left FAU and went back to the army. He was never seen again there, but Dave and I were, so we decide to make examples of these fools, and they didn’t want to be next. So for the next few days I look around for idiots to exploit but find nothing. Dave however claims he found plenty. It later turns out he indeed has, but they’re all the same guy we made fun of last time, so I say come on man let’s leave him be he’s had enough. Dave disagrees and claims its our duty as scientists to expose the truth, no matter what. So we see the guy and we laugh at him. I was still feeling bad for him but Dave insists we make fun for all the stupid things he did, like crash his car into a parked car, trip over his own feet, and accidentally walk into a door two times in the same day. I called out to him saying hey door boy. He doesn’t answer at first, but eventually he admits to all his stupidity .Of course these are minor things compared to what he used to do, but still funny. He was hung over, and going to class drunk as a skunk. I did this often. I wonder how I managed to get through college, and without being embarrassed like this dope. So again me and Dave videotaped what happens in this chapter. It’ll all be on vhs and dvd called Fools the documentary, real people doing real stupid things. They are not paid actors but quote unquote geniuses. Haha geniuses like the men of Rochester, New York. In fact, if this book sells well, I might go to film on location in good ol’ Rochester to see the plumbers which are mentioned later. No seriously, I intend to do more research for the next book, which will be even better than the first. So we go back to the frat party the next day and the guy there is passed out drunk with stuff written all over him by pranksters. Dave grabs a bullhorn and says this is what happens when you drink and park. He sees the guy passed out drunk and I help him drag the guy into the gutter, shave his head bald, and permanently marker a tic tac toe game on his newly bald head. The other bums said come on man we wanted to play tic tac toe on his head. I said hey we saw him first, then I said nah just kidding man here write on him. We left him there too and announced he was now in a gutter being written on by bums. I got to use the bullhorn for the rest of the night and I scared an old man into thinking he was being arrested. He was almost to the point of having a heart attack when I said freeze. He flipped out and said *^%$#@ college students after realizing it was a prank. We went around pranking all kinds of people doing all sorts of things. I went into the parking lot and pranked a couple having sex in their car. I shouted this is the police, come out of the vehicle with your pants on. Of course they realized I wasn’t serious after some time. The guy got pretty mad and I took off like a bat out of hell. Who wouldn’t? I, no matter what Dave will tell you, am not a fool. I didn’t stop pranking people though. At the end of the night Dave says come on Joe they’re IDIOTS! For no reason. I agreed but asked why he still wanted to use the bullhorn to say it. We eventually pranked a real cop into letting us use his vehicle, even though I didn’t have a driver’s license. I let Dave take the wheel and we almost wound up 3000 miles away from home because he took a wrong turn. I noticed we were in Minnesota a few days later. So I say Dave you fool we wound up going to Minnesota. Nah just kidding, I would have never gotten back from there. One of our favorite fools, who requested we not use his real name, did. I decided to call him Seymour Butts to save him from embarrassment. He turned out to be a college student who was majoring in the travel industry. Oops for him. He wound up there and flipped out realizing he had in fact driven 3000 miles, the wrong way. He I guess is a typical guy. So he finally realizes he goofed when he sees the Hollywood sign. At first he thinks he is in a bad movie, but later he realizes he is in California. Oh the madness. He flips out for about an hour before trying to ask for directions to Boca Raton. A failed actor happened to be happening along and said about 3000 miles in the opposite direction. So he says fine thanks, then spits out his coffee into his pants in a classical double take. So he speeds off to Florida. He gets back to Florida and he has not been to work in two weeks, needless to say he is fired. He also flunked his final exams because of his foolishness. He failed out of college. I realize this is excessive punishment for the crime of stupidity. I decide to take the case (to help him get his life back in order) I seem to make a habit of helping the stupid. Unfortunately, I was not able to help him but I spoke to his boss and teachers. I figured if someone felt sorry enough for him to try to convince them he needed a second chance, then they’d give him one. Man was I wrong. His bosses ignored me, and his professors called me a fool. In fact, they shouted fool at me for interceding for this guy. I was insulted and didn’t try to get involved in fixing the real fool’s problems anymore. He of course, couldn’t get out of them and drowned in them. He now works at McDonald’s and lives in a trailer park with his 2 kids and his girlfriend who by all accounts is trailer trash. Actually, he got fired from McDonalds for being an idiot and spilling fry cooking oil on the boss. I have heard of worse, so I was not that surprised. So then me and Dave bust into his apartment with more evidence of his foolery. Dave had apparently seen the guy get lost on the highway again and hit some other fool who happened to slam on the brakes. It wouldn’t have been a problem if the guy had brakes to hit when he saw this. The fool, who’s real name was Henry James, couldn’t stop because he didn’t have the money to fix his car, because he lost his McDonalds job. We asked his roommates what they thought of him, and they all said well, he’s an idiot. They said Hank shouldn’t have gotten into college in the first place, I mean he’s not that smart as you’ve probably seen. He cheated all the way through high school off of people dumber than him. Somehow he managed to get by though. He eventually cheated his way back into college somehow and his old job too. Or he tricked everyone into thinking he belonged there. Eventually he bumbled his way through his restaurant management classes and became head waiter at Chili’s, haha just kidding. He barely passed on his own he says and got a 2.0 gpa somehow. He must be telling the truth, if he cheated he would get better grades. He however, did have to go back to McDonalds because he was caught stealing free samples at his job. They started him out as a crew member again unfortunately .He eventually rose to middle management, then became the CEO of his own franchise. It’s the Peter Principle again. Eventually, however, the fool in him got him in trouble and he ran the company into the ground. Such a sad thing to happen to such a fine fool but it did. His coworkers stamped the word fool on him at the company’s last Christmas party. He woke up and shouted who did this? No one confessed. He later wound up having to work as a mascot in a chicken shop, and got a bad case of gas that got him in trouble everywhere. He ended up being the laughing stock of his graduating class and will probably go to his tenth college reunion as a bagboy in Publix or some other ridiculous thing. Seriously, I am scared for him and for people in general because of his actions. He dragged his roommates and college buddies down with him too that’s the really scary thing. Actually, I just heard that he became an adjunct professor at beer can college. For those fools who don’t know what that is, its really Broward Community College. He belongs there with all those professors who couldn’t get real university teaching jobs. Haha just kidding, I might start teaching at a community college if I get my master’s degree in something. Chapter Three A guy got kicked in the nuts by a mule. One day on the weekend off, I noticed some guy getting really angry, he was swearing up and down at his mule and he did the one thing you should never ever do to a mule or any other animal. He kicked it right in the hind parts . Well that got me to thinking what is going to happen to him. I knew he’d get kicked back but where he got kicked you wouldn’t have guessed, yep right in the nuts dead on full hit, ten points to the mule. I almost feel sorry for the poor sap. It is sad what our society has become, but it’s his own fault. Now I see this and crack up laughing because animal cruelty by people is never right, but if the animal hits the next of kin its funny. So I happen along and call the guy a certifiable imbecile for doing that. I mean you’re supposed to go to heaven on a mule not kick one. If you’re dumb enough to let one kick you in the nuts you are without a doubt an imbecile. So then he gets up swearing even more and I’m thinking this guy needs medical attention. I call the ambulance and they come and pick him up along with the cops to arrest him once he’s ok. Apparently kicking a mule is now a crime in Margate where the incident took place. I was told he is on felony charges for that. I called Dave and he says cool! What an idiot, we laugh like hell at the guy. We even go to the jail cell where he’s held to make fun of him, and we go to the trial where the judge a passed a sentence of 5 years in prison for getting kicked in the nuts by a mule essentially. We then sound the idiot alarm and do some air guitar rock stuff after the trial was over. We celebrate again and laugh because not only did he get kicked he went to jail. The next day, his son comes out and does the same thing. Now his son lived in Iowa where mules and fools go together. So he’s not too bright and gets mad at the mule for getting his father in trouble. His dad’s sentence was eventually overturned, but this guy kicked the mule, the mule kicked him in the nuts and he wound up landing in a large cow pie face first. I said oh shit when I saw this. (Pun intended.) It was grand, but the guy needed medical attention so I called 911 and they came. I told them to bring a lot of gloves since he landed in cow s&%$. The guy was embarrassed, but at least he knew better than to get too upset at me for saying that. So then the medics get there. They can’t believe what happened and they say hey guys get a load of this goof. Of course that moron was screaming so loud it was unbelievable. They had to operate on him, thankfully I wasn’t around for that. I’m sure it wasn’t pretty. As it was he was back to his normal idiot self in no time. Eventually, he moved to Rochester, home to the quote unquote genius. I’ll never forget this guy as he was the next of kin to that mule, since no one else was there .So then I decide to file a claim for the unused farm, since I thought it would be cool to have a farm. I do not get it but I decide to stay there for the time being anyways. I got the nickname Farmer Joe for a while but I got used to it. At least I am smart enough not to kick any mules. The next few days were really boring, no stupid stuff happened. Then it turns out the first mule kicker escaped from jail, I don’t know how he did it with his injuries but he did. The sad thing is he does it again, what a moron, but this time the mule breaks his arm, so he isn’t likely to get away this time. The cops and EMTs scoop him up, and of course I happen to be on the scene just in time for the judge to pass another 5 years for running away. I’m just in disbelief of this man’s idiocy but I really shouldn’t be. So then his son finds out about this and comes back raising hell. I get out of his way because he thinks it’s my fault he’s in jail, which it isn’t. He tried to fight me but he swung and missed by a mile because he was drunk. I didn’t hit him back because of two things, first I felt sorry for the poor guy, second he missed by that mile and landed face first in a cow pie. I just left laughing I didn’t need to be involved with that kind of trouble. He lays there not even opening his mouth to swear at me because if he does cow pie gets in it. It’s the least tasty pie you’ve ever tasted I’m sure. Of course Dave happens to be on hand to check out the stupidity firsthand, and compliments me on the way I handled the fight. I told him there was no fight, he took a swing and missed me by a mile. Of course this sets off a chain of laughs and we take a look at the moron with his face in cow crap. It was a sad day for him to say the least. Dave gets mad at him and says look at you you’re covered in cow shit and you can’t even get up the cops are on their way and this is what they are going to see. So he doesn’t move and Dave says you’re a fool and walks away. The cops of course scoop him up but they are not happy about having to remove him. So they call the courthouse and say can’t they just let this one slip, I mean he will eventually pass sentence on himself anyways. You are not seeing what I am seeing here your honor he says. So the judge says fine he’s a *%$#@!!! idiot let him be. The paramedics however, have to help him out of that. I feel sorry for them and wait around to see their reactions. Of course it was worse than I had expected. They say hey Joe this is the fifth time this month this has happened, haha just kidding. They do say something about this becoming more and more common. So they haul his ass away and I wave goodbye to him. Eventually he does pass sentence on himself, sticking a fork into a toaster to pull out part of a piece of bread. He is carted off to the E.R, but checks out anyways as he is burned pretty badly from electroshock. He was survived by his ex-wife his son and his pig. Reportedly the pig was the only one mourning his death. His ex-wifewent to Hawaii with the life insurance payment, his son remained in Margate and took care of the pig. He got custody of the pig. Oops I got it wrong, the pig got custody of him. I heard the pig took good care of him haha he’s such a fool. The judge actually said the pig had custody of him by the way, and no he wasn’t joking. That’s right, there’s a man walking around Margate with a hog as his legal guardian. Again this is what our country has descended into. Judges are making loony rulings like this but more on this later. So anyways it turns out the pig takes good care of him and they get on fine together. Yes that’s right. Eventually the guy got mad and decided that when their love went sour well let’s just say he has enough bacon to last him a year. Oh yes it turns out he made a new song called Hog Love. They went on dates together, had relations, and even were going to get married in the state of Nevada, Las Vegas. Unfortunately, like I said their love went sour. Dave happens to be on hand to explain what relations is for illiterate fools. It means they had sex, apparently the farmer’s son wanted to have kids with a pig. However it later was found out that not only is interspecies breeding impossible, the pig was also male. The farm boy decided it was time to hang himself at that point, but instead fried the pig for bacon. I heard it was tasty. So then the pig loving fool decides to bury the rest of the pig in mud, unfortunately he slips in a soft patch and yells fools! as he goes down. He lands in the mud and it covers him completely. Apparently he was drunk and in mourning because he committed his crime of passion and said Oh God what have I done? The pig was survived by the pig’s son and its pig on the side haha. The pig was having an affair. So in any case the man mourns the pig’s passing by eating all the bacon in one monstrous sitting. Well he tries to anyways, but he had a hundred pounds of bacon and pork left. Chapter 4 People who drop valuables in the toilet I heard a man dropped 500 dollars in cash and equipment down Old Flushy. That’s right, down the drain where the water runs foul there’s 500 dollars in cash and electronic equipment. It’s sitting there for anyone who wants to dive in after it (although it’s probably disintegrated by now) The poor fool had to decide whether or not to be a man and use his hand (according to the old saying). Essentially he decided to let it go and be a better man for his loss. He made the right choice, but is still a fool for losing the stuff in the first place. I mean, how do you do something like that. Did he have it in his hands then go, “oops”? Or did it fall out of his pockets and hop in the water? Anyways, some people were less lucky.However, a girl, who was a friend of my friend Dave was not so lucky. Shedid the same thing and reached in to get them. Poor her. It turned out that the stuff she made the great sacrifice to reach in for was electrically fried from the water. It was a total waste. Whoa, now your thinking, “gross I would sadly let it go”. Again this is what our society has degenerated to. I agree she should have, but she was a “genius” quote unquote. This person wasted their effort grabbing stuff to get well….stuff. Aren’t you glad I have spies to tell me about things like this? As she realized she grabbed her electronics and they were ruined she shouted “Fools!” loudly enough to wake the dead, or at least some students who were sleeping in class. It really was a waste too since she was quite lovely as Dave tells it. Oh well at that point I start making fun of Dave for having a crush on a girl who is obviously a research subject, and a fool. Which is funny since I have seen some pretty smart engineering students, in fact some are my new friends here in Alabama. I don’t think they did such things. I guess she cheated her way through. So to her ,we present the moron award (insert singing and lyrics here). Ha ha so then I go home and Dave tells me that another person did something stupid and it turns out it was the same person who reached in, they were having really bad luck that day. I accused Dave of doing the same thing but he claims (yeah right) that all he dropped is toilet paper. Sure dude we believe you. I kept after him about it and he admits to dropping his house key once but more about that later. It’ll be a side splitter though I promise. O.k. o.k. these two gay guys bug him but that’s all for now. Then some guy drops his car keys in a sewer at FAU. Now this guy is richer than the law should allow but got dang it he is a fool. He lost his keys to a Rolls Royce damn it. Now he tried to reach into the sewer because there was a grate through which he could see the keys but he over did it and fell in, he shouted “oh shit” as he tumbled down, bam! Piss and stuff land all over his five thousand dollar suit. It was horrible, I mean the guy walked out badly needing a bath and gallons of cologne. He never smelled so bad in his life, I think, or looked so bad. He walked through the streets wearing all that when he got out. He got in his car and tried to cruise for chicks. He got some, but man they were ugly and were going to take whatever they could get. Apparently he was too and went riding around with muck all over his clothes and hair, and he got some on the girls. It was hilarious I actually got a picture of this brazen fool joyriding. His father saw him drive up and said oh no not again (I interviewed him after the sighting of his foolery.) His father was worse off than he was though, foolish wise, but that belongs in a separate book. His father didn’t even need to ask to realize the situation exactly. So his son, whose name was Garreth Jackson, comes in to clean up as he realizes man I reek. So he tells the girls to wait there and they say, “Damn man, we need to wash up too after your stank ass got slop on us! We’ll come with you.” I was like “damn man why can’t I get girls to do that with me?” Oh wait, I can I said. However, I wouldn’t, well not like that anyways. He did it once before I guess. So he goes in the shower with the two girls and shouts, “Oh shit!” again because he forgot the condoms. So the fool says, “ahhh who cares.” and has sex with them anyways. He becomes a father at the age of 19 of course. His father is pissed but it’s ok because the guy has a job at his dad’s factory. He then drops out of college to take care of the children he has from 2 different women. So he finished college about a year after I did, although for him it took a little longer, 6 years he said. So I laughed at this and said well at least you’re not a complete waste of flesh. He responded by giving me more reasons to write about him in a book of fools. I leave and he winds up slipping on a banana peel cracking his head open on the sidewalk. I heard he checked out that night. I went to the funeral services and threw rotten tomatoes and other fruits at the casket because I figured it would be the way he wanted to be remembered. He died the way he lived. Then there are certain people from Rochester, New York. Dave, in fact is from Rochester, New York. I have bothered him numerous times about being a quote unquote genius. He claims to be a true genius though. I’m not convinced of this I say. This place is home to the quote “genius” unquote as he says. One man, a plumber went to a house call and got his arm stuck in a drain. He dropped a wrench in and couldn’t get himself out. He then shouted fucking fools! when he realized he was stuck. I almost died from hearing this. Needless to say he was fired as the fire department had to use the Jaws of Life to get him out. He was visibly upset, especially when the firefighter asked him, “where did you learn to plumb, in the sink?” I agree with that, I mean that is the only thing that makes sense there. The guys then cut the toilet out which really got him in trouble. The homeowner decided to sue the plumbing company, and won a million dollar lawsuit. The company wanted to kill the idiot plumber, who I felt kind of sad for. He founded his own plumbing company out of his house, which was a disaster. His wife called him an idiot and went to visit her mother for a few weeks. He went to visit his father for a few to go fishing in the mountains. He left the business in Dave’s hands, who tried to give it to me, I was like I’m not touching this one, no way. No I am just kidding, the guy wouldn’t be that dumb, or would he… ha ha you’ll never know. One day he comes back and the business he started is run into the ground, literally. His house was ruined and man was he pissed off, he was also pissed on, by one of the plumbers he hired. The man had won the lottery so he decided to piss on the boss. He decided however to be the oddball that would keep his job. So when he did that the other guys he worked with all wanted to beat him down. Of course he decided against going back to work and got himself a personal trainer so that he would not resemble a plumber anymore. He of course was too stupid to follow the instructor’s instructions. Ha ha, he’s that stupid. I would try to help the poor guy but I can’t. Dave might be able to, but he would lose his patience faster than me. Eventually it turns out that the trainer was able to get him to slightly less resemble a plumber. In fact, the plumber, well the former plumber was doing really good , but one day he slipped on one of his doughnuts, shouted “oh fudge” and had a squat bar fall on him and a guy who was bench pressing. Well if they weren’t both seriously injured I think the bench press guy would have tried to kill him. The plumber had 225 on the rack. The bench press guy had 315 on the rack. Dave saw what had happened and said oh *%$#@$! Call the cops! So they take the guys away in ambulances and the plumber decides to give up weight training. He does however, while he recovers, eat doughnuts all day everyday he was in traction it seemed. His leg was broken and he couldn’t go back to plumbing. He had a high school education, so what did he do? He became a cop. Somehow he managed to pass all his physical and mental requirements (he probably bribed the senior officers). So now he is probably riding around in NYC eating doughnuts and pretending he’s still a plumber. I heard he robbed a Drippy Dream shop in Rochester and got caught by actual robbers looking to make a name for themselves. Dave told me the guy got caught and they made him quit the force and be a part of their heists so he couldn’t squeal on them. I asked him how he knows this and he says he was doing research for this book long before I was. Unfortunately it turns out this plumber/cop/crook wound up cutting his time in a criminal career short. He got carted away by the real police when he ended up shooting himself in the butt. Yeah he put his gun in his back pocket and sat down to eat pizza in the middle of a heist. Of course the gun went off and he ran around like an idiot. He confessed too which was a testament to his endless foolery. It wasn’t so much that he confessed to the robbery that makes him so much the fool, but what he did after robbing the bank and how he shot himself. So he then says to Dave, “I woke up and found out I’m going toget shot hahaha.” Well someone should have shot him, he’s not just a fool, he is a menaceto the entire society. I heard from Dave that the guy got 20 years for the last heist he was in but got 3 life sentences overall. Then, there was the guy on the track field. Many years ago, at least five, some guy, also from Rochester, ran around a track and at some point his pants, boxers, and all fell to the ground. He stopped running unaware he was naked and said, “Damn it suddenly got cold out here.” What a doofus. A lot of girls were watching him. I laughed when I heard this one. It was funny, but not a riot like the guy driving into a ditch and babbling boobs over and over again. He stopped running to pull his pants up, but it was too late, everyone had seen the goods, or the bads depending on how you looked at it. He was kind of chubby due to his love of anything fried, including donuts and pizza. One would ask why he was even out there in the first place. Well, his school made him do it, more or less. It was a graduation requirement at his high school. So he was running and he had on baggy jeans like prison guys wear. Man, those guys need belts. In my opinion, guys who wear that are idiots if they run while wearing them. So then the coach comes over to see what the hell happened and she does it too. Now, she is a teacher who came right from college so all the guys are staring when she does it. They thankfully ignore the moron who was trying to run around the track. So the guy sees this and shouts donuts! This was because he spilled his donuts while running around the track. His eyes bugged out of his head though. He flipped out of course. He kept running though , so he could get his hands on the woman, or so he thought. What a fool, he tripped over his donuts and landed flat on his face. Dave ran by when the story took place and took what was left of the guy’s food and started eating it. He picked the guy up though so he could keep running. It was hilarious. The poor guy, I am sorry to say did not get to touch that sweet ass, but at least he made an A in P.E. from trying to run faster. Dave, however, did get to put his hands on her. It became a huge scandal at the school he said. He also stopped eating donuts and pizza eventually and became a stupid jock. He was one of those guys who got better looking and lost the ability to conceptualize up and down. Nah he couldn’t be that bad, but he came to FAU with Dave so I got to see firsthand how bad it was. It was worse actually. So it turns out he got to go there on a football scholarship. The guy still said donuts when something unexpected happened like his pants falling down or him slipping in his junk food. How he got to be a football player I will never know. I am glad I took advice from a very wise person who advised me not to be a part of that. Football players are such fools I have heard, no wait that was basketball players. One of my sociology professors, Dr. Evans, stated that one of his students got a 12 on an exam. 12! I couldn’t conceptualize that kind of thing. What’s wrong with these people. Dave came in that day and said duh Joe these athletes are fools! It’s true when you hang out with idiots you become one. All the athletes did was socialize with each other and talk about sports. They never cracked the books open for fear of looking like a nerd. It’s better to be a nerd than a fool. Doesn’t that scare them? It would scare me. And football players, don’t get me started on them. College football players, around one third are fathers. Fathers! They shouldn’t even consider that sort of thing until they are out of college. However, many of them have kids for some sort of welfare thing I heard. It’s absolutely mind boggling how stupid these people are. It gets worse, I’m sure, but I don’t have the evidence yet. But rest assured I will follow these idiots until I find something foolish that they’ve done. News flash, it turns out the guy who got 12 on the exam was a men’s basketball player for Florida Atlantic University. I laughed uncontrollably over that, and Dr. Evan’s asked me why I was laughing. I responded by saying got dang man it’s a 12. He asks again why that is funny. I say because these guys are fools! Ahhh Rochester is always good for a laugh. I heard another man in Rochester, a firefighter, almost burned the firehouse down. He was branded a quote unquote genius. Dave had a hell of a time explaining that one to me. I was hysterical hearing it. I mean a fireman doing that? That would be like a cop who murdered other cops or blew up the station. Of course he was fired from his post, I mean this guy was like pointless to have there in the first place. Who does these things, and why do they do them? The answers will be revealed … shortly. Dave goes to tell me the short answer, because they’re idiots. The truth behind it is that these people have no common sense. I mean the guy was found grilling steak in the firehouse and misused gasoline, the paper said. Who in their right mind uses equipment without knowing how to use it right? Far too many people if you ask me. As it was he set himself on fire too. What a fool. The next day he starts working as a construction worker. I see him working on something at FAU. My mind wanders to all the worst case scenarios that could occur. He does one, because he doesn’t know how to use the equipment. The poor guy, whose name is Harry Dickler, by the way, is a klutz. He wrecked some of the project he was working on, and nearly killed himself, the foreman and other workers. How did he manage this? He rode on a jackhammer like an idiot and wound up spilling a bunch of oil all over the beams. It was hilarious and also scary, what if everyone were to turn out this way. It could happen, there ought to be a law that says people like this can’t have children. According to my partner in crime, Dave Chandra B.S., its genetic, stupidity is hereditary. Now for the fools who don’t know what that means, it means its passed on from parents to their children from birth. Again most of the college students didn’t know what he was talking about, so he tried to simplify it further. He drew a picture, but still some students had no idea what it was. He gave up, and in his disgust he said you fools are all going to end up like him! I shudder to think that he may be right. I hope he isn’t because I couldn’t live in a world like that. Of course the guy was fired and Dave gave up trying to educate the college students, because he says they’re all fools. So Dave shouts fools! And he walks away from the small group he was teaching. I feel sorry for Dave, he always tries to make the world a more educated place, and then these damn college fools get in the way of that. I’ m not just trying to be funny here the college students at FAU were fools when I was there and will be long after. They tend to be stupider than people who didn’t go to college and became fools. I heard the two guys who harassed Dave were from Rochester but that is another story. They may get their own book, Idiots Three. Again Dave himself was from Rochester which I gave him hell about, since some of our stories came from that same place. Next there was a guy who managed to set himself on fire .He was doing a barbeque for his friends and accidentally spilled something that he mislabeled as booze on himself. He grabbed a match and lit the grill. It was actually lighter fluid and the flames leapt out at him. Of course like a fool he shouted gas! He ran around . To add to it he accidentally dropped the match in his trousers. He thus lit his own testicles on fire as well. Of course, this was priceless and shows stupidity at its height. He wound up in the ER. I then wound up eating most of the food at his party after seeing this. I was like well can’t let this good food go to waste. Dave and I had quite the party after that. It lasted till 4 am with beer (real beer not lighter fluid) flowing freely. His friends toasted him but called him a total buffoon for lighting himself on fire. I finally passed out at 4 am, Dave passed out drunk as a skunk. Some people were still acting stupid but most had gone home or passed out as well. Rochester is home to many quote unquote geniuses. One guy was reading a newspaper and had walked into the street, no big deal. However, he walks right into an open manhole. Of course, he shouts look out below, to the rats in the sewer. The rats, of course, vacate the area temporarily, but then a few bite him, ouch. He doesn’t die but he’s pretty badly injured. He broke his arm in 2 places and dislocated his leg. The paramedics were doing rock paper scissors to see who had to go down there this time. It was horrible because the guy stank so bad, and was hurting so much. He had been a playboy before the incident, but couldn’t get a date for a year following the incident. I wouldn’t be surprised. Who would want to be around that, the stench was bad enough but the buffoonery he made was much worse. I was slightly in shock to hear about what he did, but not as much as I used to. I was getting used to the stupidity of people. Finally, in Boca a guy decided to go around walking the streets asking where his platoon was. This was when he walked out of his house wearing a diaper on his butt and a pacifier in his mouth. So the men in white coats came and took him to the funny farm, which is where he belonged. Dave couldn’t comprehend at first what he was seeing when they took the guy away. I couldn’t believe I was lucky enough to have seen such lunacy. I actually told him his platoon was in a bar called Tattletales, a gay bar. So because I love messing with the stupid (not the retarded, that’s just cruel) I gave him the directions for it when the men in white coats let him go. It should be noted that in fact, Dave had called the men in white coats to get him. He was like ohhohohohhho Joe this is front page news, so I gave him my cell phone to call the funny farm for pickup. So we then skip school to watch this and the cops come by telling me for the thousandth time I should be in school. I tell him look I am nearly graduating college and it’s my day off. He didn’t believe me until I showed him my id. Apparently I’m a minor to them despite the fact I am (now) twenty-five years of age. So we go to the funny farm and laugh at the loons there, especially our favorite one, and sure enough he asks some guy in a Batman suit where his commanding officer is. I tell him I am his commanding officer and tell him to put on some pants (he was still wearing his diaper and pacifier) I also tell him to take the damn pacifier out. He doesn’t do it and I say damn it you’re a fool and leave him in his idiocy. He breaks out and follows us but Dave calls him an idiot and he walks away. He comes back five minutes later claiming the Martians are coming to take him home. I try to find them but Dave says, “Come on Joe there are no Martians, he is just nuts.” So I tell the guy to go call the cops to tell them about this and they call for the men in white coats to pick the guy up. However, they refuse saying he’s too nuts to be in their hospitals. So the cops just laugh at him and let him loose in the streets. Now mind you, this is one of those college students that Dave tried to educate previously, but he smoked too much dope and became one. So the guy tried to drive away in a police cruiser. Unfortunately, someone put a bomb in that cruiser and it went sky high as did the college fool. He crashed down to earth and said I ‘m ok and passed out. Me and Dave decided to have more fun with him, tying him up with ropes and chains then carting him off to a mental hospital/emergency room. We bust in wearing surgical masks and shouting doctor we have to operate. Then we tell him no were kidding, but it was funny. This was after he got patched up by the emergency room for his physical wounds. The doctor shouts dam

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