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Or maybe is was consecration. Yeah, probably the second one.

Anyway, after she called our parents and we apologized about a hundred times and promised to never again impersonate a Servant of the Lord, she calmed down and agreed not to expel us.

Mental note: Servants of the Lord aren’t keen on people impersonating Servants of the Lord.

Finally, after a lot of phone calls and private conversations, Mom, Dad, Harold-the-dumbass and Tiffany-the-bimbo all decided it would be just peachy if I spent the summer with Gran. Of course, I wasn’t completely on board with that plan, but what choice did I have? I’m just a kid. I have to do what I’m told, right?

So, on the third day of summer vacation, while all my friends were living it up in the ‘burbs, I was wondering how Gran got the bologna to taste like cabbage and feeling sorry for myself.


I gotta tell ya – things looked pretty grim. Summer vacation is supposed to mean something. It’s not just about getting a break from school. It’s a time to spread your wings. A time to fly.

Well, I figured I wouldn’t be doing any flying that summer! Not unless something very peculiar happened.

Gran’s apartment is on the Lower East Side. If you’ve never been there, you probably don’t know that the Lower East Side is pretty gritty. It’s crowded, noisy and kinda run down. She’s talked about moving for as long as I can remember, but since she’s had the same place since the Eisenhower administration she can’t afford to. Because of rent control, she pays next to nothing – as long as she doesn’t move.

On the first day, she gave me a key and told me I could come and go as I please, but I was not allowed to bring any boys home. That was her idea of a joke. She knows I get a little nervous around boys.

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