Copyright Nancy Reese 2012
Finally free to come up for air, I'm once again caught on something holding me under. I try to break free, but it's pulling me down. For what seems like the final time, the light slowly disappears as my body wrenches in attempted gasps for air. The freezing cold pours into my chest and I ache with it. No longer am I fighting for freedom. All I want is for the pain to stop. I surcease my struggle and hope for a quick end. That end never comes.
Chapter 1 - In The Beginning…
At times, I find myself thinking of all of the ways I can get out of the horrible situation that I have made of my life. I have spent the last four or so years getting high and committing crimes, running from the law, screwing up school and work, and ripping off my parents. When I was getting high, this didn’t seem like such a problem to me, but now that I have two years mostly clean, it’s more than overwhelming. I have hurt so many people, and even though I’m clean, I can’t find a way to stop.
Sometimes I think I should just turn myself in. I’ve been so busy running and hoping to God that I don’t get arrested, and now, at twenty-three years old, I’m as tired as a seventy-year-old. The time in jail would give me time to think and I’m sure would teach me some kind of self-discipline as well. I’ve thought about killing myself, too. I’ll be in the unfinished second floor of my so-called best friend’s mother’s house in Brazil, collecting our drying clothes from the lines they hang on, and I’ll catch myself staring at the power cables that are dangerously close to the house. I’ll want nothing more than to just reach out and grab them. Then I think, no, dying would hurt too much.