Pop Tarts and Snails
Published by Rodney Ohebsion at Smashwords
Copyright 2012 Rodney Ohebsion
I like going to restaurants. But I don't like ordering drinks. Because my beverage of choice is water, and I feel kind of cheap when I ask for it. People will think I'm saying, "I'd prefer a coke. But I don't want to spend $3 on it. So I'll settle for water. I don't want water. I want coke. But if it'll save me $3, I'll drink water. And if it'll save me $6, I'll drink rhinoceros urine. Whatever it takes. I'll do whatever it takes to save money. That's the kind of person I am. As evidenced by the fact that I just asked for water. When I see those extra few dollars in my pocket, I feel like I've experienced enlightenment. I'll sacrifice coke for that. I'll even sacrifice my first born for it."
Whenever I order water, I feel like I have to convince the waiter that I'm not cheap. So I say, "I'll have water. But just so you know, this shirt that I'm wearing cost $600. I paid full price for it. With 10.5% sales tax. Do you want to see my receipt?" One time I did that, and the waiter replied, "Oh really? Well my shirt cost $700. I'll go get your free water now, Mr. Rockefeller. "