Fighting Poverty

Poverty is a growing problem in the world and it is the civic responsibility to put an end to it once and for all before it is too late.  This growing problem strikes fear into the hearts of the wealthy, and slowly consumes those in the middle class.  Evidence of the problem roams the streets, with Poverty’s legion of rouge wanders…the homeless.  That is where Poverty’s true power lies, within the hearts of the millions of hobo inhabitants of our cities.  It is with this knowledge that we can actually stand up to fight against Poverty, but disarming its minions, we will leave it vulnerable for the final blow. 

We must destroy the homeless.  We must band together with pride in our wallets and strip them of the only thing they have left.  This quest is not a walk in the park however, because they currently claim rights to that land.  We must be well armed and properly vaccinated to reduce threat of disease.  Studies performed by scientists and doctors alike have all ended with the same conclusion; the most effective weapon against the homeless are lasers.  A high powered light amplification by stimulated emission of radiation forceful enough to cut the bums in half like melted butter will prove useful.  These coherent beams of photons will be our closest allied, but the destitute have also become armed over the years.  Their weapons are slightly less sophisticated, but nonetheless dangerous.  We must be weary of homeless weapons such as change cups, boxes, shopping carts, and rocket-propelled grenades. 

Another factor that must be considered when fighting the homeless is they are all vampires.  Most wealthy vampires prey on the street homeless when their feeding time arises, thus building a band of vampiric battling bums.  The homeless are not as easily defeated as the common vampire however.  Garlic has no effect on them because the aroma of garlic is overpowered by the stench of their being.  Steaks also have no effect, because most homeless have no hearts.  Holy water does work however, as does any water.  Water splashed on the homeless reveals their true selves as it washes away their mask of filth.  This almost immediately transforms them into a right thinking individual again.  It is at this moment to strike them with the laser.

Half eaten sandwiches must also be in full supply when the battle ensues.  The half eaten sandwiches will be tossed at the homeless to cause diversions allowing time for attack and regroup.  The homeless may not be picky about what they eat, but full sandwiches must not be used.  The homeless are wise to many tricks, they are survivors, and if they see a full sandwich thrown at them they will know it’s a trap and fill with rage at the thought of wasted food.  This can be a devastating blow to our forces, because a hungry enraged homeless fighter delivers 47% more damage with each strike.

Once the homeless forces have been reduced, the Poverty power will drop to unimaginable levels, revealing an opportune chance to strike.  If this chance is missed it could mean total devastation to all.  The strike to Poverty must be precise.  Once its heart is revealed a single slice of Swiss Cheese must be laid out in the sun for 3 hours and then placed on the palm of the left hand of Poverty.  This will cause Poverty to transform into Povomitron the Destroyer of the Stars.  Many of our forces will abandon the cause at the site of Povomitron, but we only need a select few to carry out the remainder of the mission.  We must politely say the following words…”Povomitron, Destroyer of the Stars, in our time we have seem plight and plague, please leave us be and take Morgan Freeman as a peace offering.”  No being would be able to refuse that offer, hence saving the world as we know it from Poverty once and for all.

*Disclaimer – no homeless were harmed in the writing of this.  The homeless are human beings, and they don’t have any homes.

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