When you’ve been swallowing your tail for as long as I have, not much gets under your skin anymore — and you can always slough the damn thing off anyway. But after eavesdropping on all the pop versions of the Genesis story that your amateur philosophers have been feeding you, I simply have to speak up. I’ve kept my snout out of earth-bound business for a long time now — for smart reasons that will soon be revealed — but enough is enough. It’s time for my version of Genesis, which just happens to be the correct one. There’s been a helluva lot of misinformation floating around for the last couple millennia, and there’s no one in a better position than myself to set the record straight.

A Divine Comedy of Error

The first thing you should know is that God and I used to be a lot tighter, simply because He spent more time around here in the early eons. Earth was one of His first attempts at planet-making, and it seemed the apple of His Eye for a while. An amateur chemist not held in the highest regard by His Peers, our local God has never been quite sure what will result from His willy-nilly mixing of the elements.

So after He’d thrown together the solar system and set it spinning, He was rather pleased to see that He had one planet that could already support life without further fooling around in the lab. But God knew He would need a planet manager once He moved on to other projects. So He spritzed a little piece of earthstuff with superconsciousness, et voila, there I was: God’s first lieutenant, the primeval Serpent. Hold the applause.

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