Words couldn't describe how she felt.
She sat down slowly with a groan. Her body in pain. Her mind in
agony. She put her elbows on her knees and her face in her hands. She
cried. It was a long fucking day. Each one longer than the next. How
much more could she do this? It was too much. No one understands. No
one could help. Nobody cared. She played those words in her head over
and over again. Nobody cared......Nobody cared.....Nobody cared.
Adding more to the pain. No one will ever care for you. Her face was
getting red and hot from being buried inside the heat within her
hands mixed with the warm tears. She lifted her head up and took a
deep breath. She looked around the room with blurry eyes. She wanted
to keep crying, "it will do you some good, crying cleanses you."
someone once told her that. But she couldn't...nothing helped. She
just couldn't remove all of the tears. She stood up frustrated, and
let out a big sigh. Her hip bone cracked. She winced in pain. "How
much more god? What else do I need to go through for you to forgive
me?" she whispered to the ceiling.
She looked down at her red knees and shook her head slowly from left to right. Walking painfully to the makeup desk reaching for her cigarettes she bit her lip as her head pounded. Newport 100s, red lighter, mp3 player and phone in hand, she limped to the back door of her house.
Out side she put things in order- by habit. She put on her head phones, chose a song, turned up the volume and mouthed the words. She pulled out one long cigarette and lit it. Slowly letting the nicotine course through her body, she bobbed her head to her music. She reached for her cell phone with her free hand. "4 UNREAD TEXT MESSAGES" she had butterflies in her stomach as she looked though the authors. 3 from her sisters friends and 1 from the man who played with her emotions. She sat and wondered if she should read it. She sighed again as she clicked his name. "Hey sexii ladii, whatchu doin?" that was his response. She had waited for him to reply to a message that she sent nearly 4 hours ago and that was his fucking response!!??!! He was pissing her off. She asked if he was still dating that girl and he ignored her.
"I don't have time for this shit." were the words to her life. She shut the phone with a quickness, and inhaled smoke. She went into numb mode as she smoked. Still mouthing the words to a song she was trying to learn, she tapped her leg. She tried to keep her mind off the pain. "I hate my life...I hate my life...I hate my fucking life." She closed her eyes and bobbed her head while wishing her cigarette never ended,
In her own little world, in the zone.Somebody touched her back, trying to get her attention. She jumped. Before even looking up, she ripped the head phone out of her ear and whipped her head to the side.
It was her best friend. Candy, the voice of reason, the only help she had in her life, the only help that felt real. She smiled. "you scared the shit out of me". her smile coming from somewhere else. "I'm sorry, I called your name like four times." She sat down and put her Newport Kings on the table. Looking for a lighter, Candy searched her pockets. She handed her one so she wouldn't have to look.
She loved when they smoked together, she never had a best friend quite like Candy. She was 16 and Candy was 26. No adult had ever treated her like she was an adult. Sure, shes been called mature for her age many times. But no one ever really gave her the time like Candy did. She would sit in her car and have "therapy sessions" with her. No subject was off limits. No secret too shocking. No question too personal. There were very few things they hadn't been through together in the short time that they had known each other.
She felt comfortable with her, never felt judged. She had once had feelings for her. Feelings like she would have for a man. She's Bi-sexual. She confessed that to candy within the first month that they had met. Her feelings were shut off immediately when she noticed that her mother and candy had grown closer.
When she saw them cuddling in her mothers bed, she had felt it was normal....for a moment, she really did. They always slept in the same bed, Candy always spent the night. But this time felt different, different body language. "I'm high, its not true.....can't be true." She thought to herself, but she knew there was something.
Almost a week later, she'd tricked Candy into confessing that her mother and herself were an item. It had almost fucked up their friendship. She felt betrayed, she felt sick to her stomach. She felt unattractive. She felt used. Prior to the news, they had been through three weeks of pure hell. And she felt closer to candy because she was always there. She'd seen her cry for the first time at the funeral of her mothers still born. Looking back on it, she thought about how much she was there to comfort her mother, to the point she, herself felt awkward trying to do it. Just like at the hospital, Candy was always there to help her mom to the bathroom and rub her back during her labor pains. She felt jealous.....she didn't know what she was jealous of, maybe it was the fact that her mom wasn't giving her any attention, maybe it was the fact that candy was showing her mother so much attention.
But she forced the feelings, the pain, the tears, and even the jealousy away. She continued her friendship because Candy had fought for it. She made candy cry when she told her that she felt like she had manipulated her so she could get closer to her mother. They had 5 conversations about how Candy didn't want the friendship to end, and after the last, she felt like Candy was truly was sincere.
Now they sat, both smoking, and talking about the stress of the day. Talking about how they both needed to quit smoking, about how hard it was dieting, about how her little sister had once again, pissed Candy off.
She listened, to her with one ear, and listened to her thoughts with the other. She thought about suicide for the third time in one hour, that had begun to become normal for her. She worried if she would eventually get some balls and do it. She shooed the thoughts and morbid feelings away.
"Where did your mother and Tiffany go?" inside she rolled her eyes. Inside she heard "Where did your mother go? I miss her." She ignored the negative thoughts. "I think my mom went shopping and took Tiffany along."
They finished smoking, and decided to go inside. They sat in the living room and discussed what they should do. They agreed on taking a walk in the park. She felt abnormal almost. Taking a walk in the park with her mothers girlfriend, her best friend, she felt like she was stealing time from her. She couldn't give a fuck less about how her mom felt about it, but she didn't want to screw up the relationship. She didn't want Candy to get hurt.
They put on tennis shoes, Candy walked to the fridge and asked her if she wanted a bottle of water. Inside she felt loved, the smallest things made her feel so good about herself. She said yes. They walked out the house and got in the car. Both of them lighting up again, they smoked and talked about random things all the way to the park.
They laughed about random jokes. They bonded, but one side of the friendship was in a headlock, She honestly knew that Candy was sincere. But she also knew that she herself was in a dark state of mind. She was so negative about her life. She hated her life, she was the drunk girl at her own personal pity party. All she felt like doing was crying. She had that feeling in her throat. The feeling before you cry, like you just dry-swallowed a pill the size of a fist. It wouldn't go away.She wanted to vent, but felt it was a waste of Candy's time.
She felt the depression winning the war on her mind and body. She would rather be jumped than go through another 3 day stress migraine, or random joint ache. She hated complaining out loud, but it had also became annoying in her head.
When they got to the park, the put their purses in the trunk, grabbing only cell phones and cigarettes. She wore her plastic smile as she climbed the hill. They talked all the way up, heavy breathing. Her mind trying to find ways to comfort her best friend, knowing her pain had to be far worse than her own.
"How you doin?" she asked her friend. "Good." she said in her normal perky voice. She knew she was covering her pain face. Candy was always in pain, she was just too polite to complain like her the 16 year old girl.
They made it to the bench and sat down groaning from the burning in their calves. They smoked a cigarette while they talked about more life problems. She felt like she was annoying her best friend, and if she did, her best friend never told her.
After their walk, they drove home. Her mother and sister were there. They made a fuss about how they weren't invited to the walk. She ignored them and thought about her mother only wanting to join because she wanted more time with Candy to herself, which she could truly respect, but could never get over.
She excused herself from the conversation, and said her good-byes.
Inside her room she grabbed a prescription pain pill and 4 drug store brand pain relievers, her mind traveling 600 miles a minute in the wrong direction of her life. she pulled her water bottle out of her purse, and swallowed all 5 of her pills.
She looked up at the ceiling waiting impatiently for the pain to run away from her. She cried silently while the fan blew against her warm skin. She took a deep breath and the tears didn't fall from her face again.
Her mind slowed down and her head floated on medicinal waters. She tried to stay awake during the beginning of her high, but she was feeling too good. She felt like no one could hurt her. She felt like love was rocking her to sleep, and she began to welcome it.
She drifted into her pill enhanced sleep. No longer thinking about her bad day, no longer worrying about how much she felt like a bad friend, no longer feeling pain, no longer dealing with dilemma, only blank sleep. Fictional happiness.
"Goodnight" she whispered, and smiled at no one but herself.
Tomorrow she would wake up in pain, tired, and depressed. Tomorrow she would worry about the life of a 16 year old that was dealing with the problems of someone 40 years her senior. Tomorrow she would think of suicide. But that's tomorrow.