For the longest time I've wondered what
my purpose is in life. I've wondered what purpose i have in the life
of others as well. I won't lie to you and say that I've found the
answers to those questions, but I will tell you that I often thought
that there may be no answer.
Most of my recent life is spent thinking. Its spent questioning. Its spent searching. Sometimes I don't even know what for.
I feel like I'm the leaf on the biggest tree in existence. I feel like its only autumn for myself and I'm about to fall from the branch that I live on. I'm going to turn beautiful colors, that way people will think I'm okay, and then I'll shrivel up and fall off.
I wonder if the fake-ness that I show to every one, and the depression that lives inside can co-exist. I don't mean to say that I'm truly fake, I really mean to say that I hate to show how I feel. I hate for people to know whats going on inside. I fear that people may fear me.
I live behind a wall that I've created. "My Masterpiece" I call it. Where I'm quiet and observe, where no one could hurt me, where I never gave away too much information. It's an impenetrable wall. It protects me from any and everything....or so I thought.
The wall I spent my life making. The wall that I've built from learning the hard way. The wall I've spent building from bricks of experience. People began to break bricks. One by one, they were slowly removed. Some I knew about. Some I had no idea that they had been stolen.
I slowly warmed up to the idea of living in front of the wall. Outside of the shell. Being a loud, happy, non-shy person. I told my self that I should be comfortable letting down my wall for people I love and care about. They deserved it. I owed it to them.
They broke my wall. They made a false sense of happiness. They made me feel good about wearing less make-up. They made me feel OK about singing in public. They made me tell secrets.
They made me do nothing.
I did theses things to my self.
I stole the bricks and broke my wall.
I hate myself for it. I got hurt. I knew better. It was no ones fault but my own. I chose to loosen up. I chose to trust people. I chose to trust family. I chose to try and reach unattainable goals. Therefore....I chose to get hurt.....like I knew I would.
I now have so much trouble trying to re-build my wall. But the new person I've turned into, the new person that everyone is so used to.....she's not working for me. I choose to not be her. I choose to ween people away from her. Slowly back to the person they first met.
As soon as my wall is back up, two times taller, and three times thicker, There will be a new me. A tougher me. A non hurt-able me. A numb me.
But I can't find my bricks.
My cement is gone.
I choose to make this my new purpose. My new masterpiece. My goal. My light at the end of a dark, damp, never ending tunnel.
I know this is not love. This is not self worth, this is not a way to live life. This is protection. This is existing. This is me.