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I May Be Damaged….Temporarily

Proverbs 4:23 Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.

By: Joi Jordan

Prelude

To all my wonderful scholars, I know this should say Prologue but this story, MY STORY, was so close to an opera, a musical, and maybe even a Greek tragedy. So I thought prelude was fitting because you should really listen to music while you are reading this book. I’m thinking Ex-Factor by Lauren Hill.

When you finally realize that someone you loved so much really didn’t love you, it is devastatingly painful. What’s worse is watching that person with someone they really love. How they interact with them and are willing to do anything for them. Compromise themselves for that person. Doing everything without any hesitation, especially the little things you once asked of them, for someone else…not you. They make life easier for that person, but you…you were never worth the sacrifice.
I would make his plate. Now he makes hers. I would make his dinner and grocery shop. Now he does those things for her. I begged for a little time to myself, but he had to leave for me to finally get that time. My family had to be destroyed in order for me to get the rest I finally needed. Five pregnancies in eight years that include a miscarriage and a stillbirth for my first child, the death of my father and jobs that come and go. This is what I need in order to become a better, more self-actualized, and certainly back to loving and learning about myself again.

I knew I was worth it, but in his eyes I was nothing. The way he started to look down his nose at me was one of the worst feelings that I could encounter. I was the person who was there for him and supported him emotionally, spiritually, and financially. This is what you are supposed to do for people you love right. He would do the same for me if he had it right, that is how I felt like it was so real. I was raised to be a giver and I would give my last without hesitation, to the detriment of myself. My girl blames it on our Catholic school values. But he betrayed his vows to me and our covenant to God to make himself happy. He left me with nothing but the hope he would come back to me, but that didn’t happen. He became the man I always wanted him to be for her.

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