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Entrées & Statistics

By Keith Blenman

Did you know that when asked, “What would you do if you could freeze time?” one hundred percent of heterosexual men questioned had answered, “Have sex with a beautiful woman.”

It’s true. I do this stuff for a living.

Here’s another good one. The most common question asked when two people meet is, “What kind of work are you in?”

I invent statistical facts.

Some of my stats are researched. Most are invented.

I’m sorry, did I not introduce myself? I typically don’t, but we’ll get into that later. My name, as my sporty little nametag states, is Garrett Boasly. What it doesn’t state is that I’m the closest thing to a God you’ll ever meet.

My latest excursion began at a Taco Bell down the street from Data Touch’s Detroit offices. I punched out on lunch and kept in the habit of putting my nametag in my pocket. This was good because it allowed me to ruin Amelia Jones’s life.

I work for Data Touch’s statistical research and development division. My nametag says that I’m the head of the statistical compilation and analysis department. Stats and Dats for short. Personally, I’d rather think of myself as a statistical engineer. An analyst studies numbers and sorts them into a medium which allows for easy viewing and research. An engineer however creates and builds, shaping something for efficient use for the general public. I take vague ideas, falsify research and create believably ideal numbers which mold the thoughts and views of the general public.

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