When I had my first baby I stared down at her little face many a time afraid but sure that she would never doubt the love I had. Sure I would be understanding and there for her always, that was my desire and dream.

Before I knew it she was ready to fly and be free. Independant and brave, she found friends early and didn't need mommy so much. When her little sister was born before she was two, she pushed me away so she could see her. From that moment on babies were her goal. She wanted not to be a mommy but to take care of kids, other peoples kids. To this day that is what she grew up to do.

My second daugther now she was different. Quieter, more intense and very intelligent. Everything needed to be examined and understood. Stubborn and determined but inside there was a sweetness she rarely let outhers see. She was herself from the moment she could form words. When she made up her mind it could rarely be changed, not matter the facts brought to bear.

By the time they were in school I could no longer be there every minute. Could not go to every school trip or show. Mommy had to find someone to watch them so she could work and care for their future and their present. No more snuggling them close and reading to them, no more kissing their booboos away. I had to be, did you do your homework, clean your room, its time to go. I lost them then. Not physically of course. I was still their mom, still there to feed them and make sure they went to school, had the basics they needed, even little treats from time to time but it was not the same. No longer was it just us playing games, chasing flowers and butterflies in the sun.

Years went on and new love came to my life. New love and a new child. A third daughter who was all golden curls and smiles. Who meant much to us all. Dueto things outside my control I had to rely on my older daughters more than I felt I should.

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