Here, in my Head
Copyright Lauren Stone 2011
What is this? Is it a search for a hidden meaning? Is it a warning? Is it a confession, or a placing of blame? Is it a love letter? Is it a final goodbye or a final hello? Is it final at all? She once asked me what I was expecting to happen once the story was finished. I didn’t know. She went on to tell me that it would never be finished until she died.
So maybe it’s not final. Maybe nothing is.
There’s nothing to gain out of this. Somewhere, in the back of my mind, I know this. The fact that I have spent months remembering, and tormenting, and getting all of this out means nothing, because it won’t change anything.
It might be a grand gesture. I’m a romantic, after all, and that’s what it looks like from the outside.
This may seem like a piece of non-fiction. It’s not. Sure, all of these people and places existed, and all of the events happened. The thing to remember, I think, is that every story has more than one side, and I am physically incapable of remaining objective in the telling of this one. The musings and thought processes are completely subjective, thus this can be nothing but fiction.
I think… well, I don’t know what I think anymore, to be completely honest. I have been trying to write this for over two years, now. I always got to a certain point, and couldn’t go on. I think it’s because I was afraid of thinking too much about what happened after that.