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Eight days, thirteen hours and ten minutes ago I asked my girl to marry me. The ring that I had carefully picked out for her was now wrapped like a lace bow around a beast’s tooth. Anyone would wonder why there was such expensive wrapping on a dirty, slobbery present.

I rotated the ring back and forth trying to jog it loose, hoping that the bastard wouldn’t suddenly get a boost of energy and bite my hand off.

I put the slime-and blood-covered six-thousand-dollar ring into my pocket and wondered what to do next. People had started to gather around and I had to have a story to get out of this in the clear. Time to turn on the old charm, I thought. Come on high school drama class, don’t fail me now. “Help! Please,â€I shouted, “this dog was hit by a car. Please, anyone.â€

“Oh, dear,â€a rotund older lady said, “can you carry him? My husband’s clinic is right down this way a few blocks.â€

It was time to kick it up a notch.

“Thank you so much ma’am. He’s been following me for the last few minutes. I think he likes me, but the poor thing just couldn’t keep up.â€Man, I am such a great liar! “Then he crossed the street with me at just the wrong time, and bam. His three good legs couldn’t get him across the street fast enough.â€

When I smiled just then, I’m pretty sure one of my pearly whites had a sheen glow briefly, like in those old Pepsi commercials. Enjoy a Pepsi. Ding!

“Oh, the poor thing. Come on.â€

I picked up Satan though it took all my remaining energy. I was surprised by my own strength. It’s amazing what your body can do after you have triumphed over the Devil himself. His body was limp in my arms and it was difficult to get a good grip on him. After a couple of awkward poses together, we finally settled into a pace that worked for both of us and we stopped stepping on each others toes.

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