Interview with Constance Wellborne

So, start at the beginning. Why a book? Why a book about a down and out televangelist?
(Connie) I was sick and broke and lonely and had no friends, except for my bunnies, and my mother had died so I decided to write a book. I saved my extra money and once a month I bought a book about how to write a book. And I did. It was a painfully hard thing to do, much harder than I ever imagined it would be, but I did it. I finished it, saw it through to the very end. And then, of course, no one would publish it. So then, I bought another book and read blogs and learned how to do that myself, and that was hard but I did that too. And now I'm here.
Was it worth it?
(Connie) Financially? I don't know. With all the time and effort it takes, you'd have to make a million bucks to make it worth it, if that's what you mean. But did it feel good to finish? To get out what 's inside? Oh yes, that's what Suzze is all about. Whatever you're stuck with, get rid of it and move on. That's what I'm trying to do. Plus, I got to meet Cherry. I would never have met her if it weren't for Suzze.
Since you mentioned it, what is Suzze really about?
(Connie) Suzze is about the Christian ideology of original sin clothed in the Freudian scatological subconscious. That's what somebody told me. I have no idea what it means. Suzze is about the power of belief and the horrible cost of ignorance, how, in an irrational society, it is ignorance that guides us and defines who we are, usually to a bad end.
Is there a lesson?
(Connie) A lesson? Like a moral to the story? Well, I guess. There's always a moral. But I hope it's just a fun story. But I understand. Critics need something to latch on to, something to criticize I suppose or they wouldn't have a job, would they? They need to tell you how your fun story isn't literature, and Suzze isn't, literature, heaven forbid. So maybe the theme, or the lesson or the moral is that, as a country, America just needs to take a big, cleansing poop. There, I said it.
Where did it come from? The idea? Do you remember?
(Connie) Yes I do. Like it was yesterday. I was watching Oprah and Dr. Oz came on, maybe the first time he was on TV. And he was playing in poop. And he just reminded me of a witch doctor, such a fraud, such a showman. But it occurred to me that if Oprah was pooping, then soon everybody would be pooping, they call that a meme, I think, when an idea catches on, when something that used to be not okay in public now is okay because somebody famous does it, and I said to myself, the world needs a story about a woman who poops.
Who's your favorite? Which character?
(Connie) Well, Suzze of course. But after that it's the Hush Puppies. They're so much fun, fun to talk to, fun to listen to. They have no agenda. They're just along for the ride, to see where life takes them.
Is there any of Suzze in you? Did you draw from your life experiences to create her?
(Connie) That's a hard question to answer. We've never had the same life experiences, no even close. She and I are completely different in that respect. But I think we're both a little eccentric, a little ditsy. At least I've been told that. Now that I think about it, when I was a young woman and those things mattered, I was told by a man, an older man, he told me, he said, This is what you're good at, obvious trivialities. Obvious trivialities well spoken, he called them. I think that was just his way of saying BS. Well, I never knew if he meant it as a compliment or not and I was too embarrassed to ask and I never took it well but it always hung in my mind. And then one day I realized that whether he meant it to be a compliment or an insult, it was definitely true. And so, they say to do what you're good at. And I am good at that, obvious trivialities well spoken. Always have been. I was a smart-assed child. So I thought, be a smart ass. Do what you're good at. And that's SuzzePoops. And I love her. And I love me for loving her.
You've said that SuzzePoops was written at the Church of Jesus Starbucks. Where's that? What's that?
(Connie) I work regularly in the Starbucks in Concord [North Carolina]. I call it the Church of Jesus Starbucks. Every day, every morning, just sitting there eavesdropping on the tables around you, you hear every scam and scheme imaginable, one Christian trying to swindle another Christian out of something. They’re peddling Christian cosmetics. They’re selling books and courses to understand what the bible really means. They’re starting a church or they want to start a church or somebody they know is starting a church in a downmarket shopping center. God loves them. How much money can they make if they love God even more? Jesus for Amway. True Christians prefer this opportunity. True Christians are buying this retirement plan. Of course, it’s all ‘not for profit’. You can write off your car. And your house. It's what Jesus would want you to do. Yes, I'll take a credit card. No matter what you think about religion, the way they do it is all about money, and these people want their cut. Have a bless-ed day.
Who would you most like to go to bed with?
(Connie) What an inappropriate question! I don't have to go to bed. I rarely get out of bed. If you're talking romantically, well, that ship has sailed. But who do I find spectacularly attractive? Dinner and conversation and see what happens? If that's what you mean, I don't even have to think about it. Judy Woodruff.
The PBS newscaster?
Yep. My kind of woman.

Connie Wellborne and Cherry Santana interviewed by Chloe Martindale
Published 2017-04-01.
Smashwords Interviews are created by the profiled author, publisher or reader.

Books by This Author

Suzze Osmond Ex-Christian, Move Over Jesus There's a New Girl in Town (E 1-2-3)
Price: $4.99 USD. Words: 73,630. Language: English. Published: April 1, 2017. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » Satire, Fiction » Visionary & metaphysical
“Funny. Perverse. Magical.” Televangelist Suzze Osmond Has Fallen From Grace. Gone down market. Big time. Nothing sexual. Nor financial. None of the usual foibles that befall the high and mighty when they crash and burn. Coming down is a bitch and as best she can figure, God himself is out to get her. “Biting satire.” “. . . fast paced narrative and zippy dialog in a complex, layered plot.”