As a father of three, I felt the need to articulate my views on what it means to be a parent to my children—to give them something that would not only allow them to better understand me as their father, but that would also be something they could turn to for inspiration and guidance should they ever choose to and be fortunate enough to become parents themselves. Laying out what I take to be the essence of parenthood—irrespective of how our children come to us, of how we become parents—was particularly important to me in light of my experience as both a biological and an adoptive parent confronted with our society’s deep-seated—if not always overtly expressed—bias in favor of biological parenthood as the only real kind parenthood.

Although we live in a world where, as Carlos Ball has aptly noted, “there are tens of thousands of children born every year ... who are not biologically related to all the adults who intend to be their parents, and who will actually function as such,” many among us continue to hold the view that true parenthood implies a mother and a father who conceive and, ideally, raise their offspring. Other forms of parenthood frequently find themselves tacitly relegated to second place. That this view of parenthood is still widely held becomes palpably evident in situations where parenthood would appear to go into crisis or is perceived to be failing: Think of all the situations in which you have heard of children and parents not getting along, or parents being at a loss as to how to deal with their children’s problems, troubles, or special needs, and someone will say, “no wonder—he is adopted!,” or “it’s not really their child, they had a donor!” Think of all the times you have heard someone marvel at or doubt the possibility of really loving a child that is not one’s “own flesh and blood.” Thus, I have frequently been given to understand by friends, family, and acquaintances that it is truly noble of me to have taken on another’s “flesh and blood” and to have been such an engaged and doting father to my adopted sons, while I have had no such comments on my relationship with my biological son—it being ostensibly assumed that I naturally and ineluctably love and care for my “own flesh and blood,” while merely having shouldered the morally commendable burden of raising another’s.

Thinking through these issues, I realized that I had something to offer to all parents, above and beyond my initial desire to primarily address my three sons—something that would allow any parent to re-conceive his or her role as a parent as well as the very meaning of parenthood in a more inclusive and non-prejudicial manner that would bring into sharp relief what all parenthood has in common, rather than distinguishing between classes of parenthood.

"Adoption is the truth of parenthood." This proposition is the nub of "The Wisdom of Parenthood." And while it may sound counterintuitive and all too provocative, it makes perfect sense if you consider the following:

1. Since paternity and maternity do not necessarily lead to parenthood, being biologically related to our offspring cannot be an essential component of parenthood. For if it were, only biological parents could be considered parents—which is an untenable (if not absurd) proposition in view of the countless biological ‘parents’ who have abrogated or defaulted on their parenthood throughout history, and, conversely, in view of the countless biological strangers who have been de facto (if not always de jure) parents to myriads of children.

2. Thus, whatever parenthood is, it cannot be a function of biology and procreation. This doesn’t mean, of course, that parents cannot also be, and often are, biologically related to their children; it only means that it is not biological kinship that makes a parent (—just think of all the egg and sperm donors who are biologically related to children whom they will never parent). So what does make a parent?

3. What makes a parent is the irrevocable commitment to and assumption of responsibility for another human being. And this is most saliently and poignantly evidenced in adoption—understood as a cultural/legal practice and, more importantly, as a way of living and being, as an ethic—precisely because, unlike the propagation of the species through procreation, adoption is by definition not a natural/instinctual necessity, but an act of absolute freedom, pure choice, a true gift.

It is in this sense, then, that adoption can be said to be the truth of parenthood: we first become parents in and through adopting the children we have been entrusted with—be they our own or someone else’s biological offspring. We must ever adopt the children we parent if we want to become their parents.

Yes and no. It would seem to have a lot to do with parenthood in those instances where the parents happen to be biologically related to their children and think that they love them because or insofar as their children are their “own flesh and blood.” In those instances, however, where the parents are not biologically related to their children, biology has obviously nothing whatsoever to do with parenthood. Now, if we concede that biology bears on parenthood in some instances and not in others, we must also concede that it is merely accidental to the concept and overall practice of parenthood. In other words, parenthood—even in biologically related families—is functionally independent of blood kinship, of paternity and maternity. It unfolds in a register utterly distinct from biology, instinct, and drive: Parenthood is an ethical category, it is part of what the Greeks called "bios"—the life world we create for ourselves; whereas paternity and maternity are part of what the Greeks called "zoe"—biological, physiological being, life in the purely material sense.

It is my sincere hope that my book will start a serious conversation about the very meaning and practice of parenthood and contribute to making our world a more hospitable and inclusive place for all parents and children, irrespective of how any given child may have come to its parents. For it is anachronistic, misguided, and discriminatory to hold onto the biological view of parenthood in the age of assisted reproduction, in vitro fertilization, gestational surrogacy, “third-party production,” international adoption, and the continual rise of same-sex and LGBT parenting.