Interview with Jaxy Mono

"Fess up, Jaxy. You're a monkey, a wild animal. Nobody can sue you. Who's "thirty-three" all about?"
"No, no way, I'm not telling you. It's not worth my hide. Their lawyers would kill me and stuff me and hang me on their office wall if I told you."
But the hashtags #WHO'S THE GIRL?, #IS IT ANGELINA?, #GWYNNETH4ANNA, and #JLAW 33 are trending all over Twitter!
"All I can say is that "thirty-three" is all true. Every word. Especially the lies. And the kinky bits. So keep guessing."
So how do you know so much about Tinseltown?
I was an animal performer in the adult entertainment industry. I appeared in titles like "Spank My Monkey," "I Raped My Ape," and "King Dong." You can also see me in a couple of crowd scenes in "The Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes." Great movie that. Go Caesar!
Your bio says you're also a film-maker. So have you made any movies I might have heard of?
Ha! You don't catch me out that easily. I wouldn't tell you even if you locked me up in a cage and threatened me with vivisection. I'm just a monkey with a typewriter. Honest.
OK. What other books have you 'written'?
I've just finished two novels called "Willy Whale" and "Rum&Coke". You can find them here. And, of course, I wrote "The Book of Dubious Beasts" and "Zootopia" - they're where "monkey lit" all began. I just love talking animal stories.
But how is it you can write? You're not even a chimpanzee, only a macaque. Your brain only weighs about a hundred grams.
Who said brains have anything to do with writing? It's not an airy-fairy arty-farty mental thing. Writing's more of a methane-based bodily emission - like flatulence. Sometimes you can't help yourself, and you have to let rip a really smelly one. And sometimes you can't get anything out, no matter how hard you try, and it's like you've got a cork rammed up your butthole. And sometimes, when people are pretending you’re not really there, you have to blow your own trumpet, just to show you exist. And, generally, if you don't need to, that's best, because then you won't get thrown out of good restaurants.
So what do you do when you get writer's block? Come on, admit it, all you writers do, sometimes.
I just chew on some Aloe Vera or drink some coconut water. They're laxatives, you know. Then the words just rush out of me, like a brown train thundering out of a railroad tunnel.
So, since you've obviously got compulsive verbal diarrhoea, do you have a blog?
Yep! It's called Go Ape! and you can find it at You can also follow me on Twitter @JaxyMono.
So you're really expecting us to swallow that you write books? Do you take us all for suckers? No, please, don't do that! That's disgusting!
(Here Jaxy abruptly interrupted the interview by pooping into his hands and flinging his ordure at your correspondent. - He missed.)
Published 2016-04-22.
Smashwords Interviews are created by the profiled author, publisher or reader.

Books by This Author

Price: $5.99 USD. Words: 57,430. Language: English. Published: May 30, 2016. Categories: Fiction » Children’s books » Animals, Fiction » Fairy tales
Mother Nature walks out on humanity… A stoned crow has a bizarre religious experience… Two white lab rats carry out an outrageous experiment on a research scientist… Britain goes to the dogs... These are some of the weird and wonderful tales told by the world-famous “monkey with a typewriter”, the macaque Jaxy Mono, in Zootopia, his smash hit of “monkey lit”.
The Book of Dubious Beasts
Price: $5.99 USD. Words: 50,350. Language: English. Published: May 23, 2016. Categories: Fiction » Children’s books » Animals, Fiction » Fairy tales
St. George murders a fire-swallowing Welsh dragon… A mermaid goes looking for true love on land… A blob of shape-changing mucus runs for political office… These are some of the weird and wonderful tales told by the macaque Jaxy Mono, in this seminal work of “monkey lit”, The Book of Dubious Beasts.
Willy Whale
Price: $6.99 USD. Words: 73,740. Language: English. Published: June 6, 2016. Categories: Fiction » Thriller & suspense » Crime thriller, Fiction » Mystery & detective » Hard-Boiled
How do you solve a mystery when you can’t trust your own sanity? Funny, hardbitten, and very moving, "Willy Whale" is a modern day Raymond Chandler detective novel, spiced with a dash of "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas", and accompanied by a chaser of "Doctor Faustus". It is a startlingly original renewal of a stale, almost worn-out genre. You'll never guess the end of this mind-bending mystery!
Rum & Coke
Price: $6.99 USD. Words: 79,590. Language: English. Published: May 16, 2016. Categories: Fiction » Thriller & suspense » Action & suspense, Fiction » Romance » Action/adventure
Imagine being kidnapped in a forbidden country whose language you don’t speak – and there’s no way home. When a strait-laced American TV reporter is sent on assignment to Cuba, he is determined to keep out of trouble. But everything changes when he crosses paths with a beautiful and dangerous Cuban chica who calls herself Calypso. Rum & Coke is an exciting thriller and THE novel of modern Cuba.
Price: $3.99 USD. Words: 10,250. Language: American English. Published: May 9, 2016. Categories: Fiction » Poetry » American poetry, Screenplays » Romance
thirty-three is an R-rated “screenplay in verse” for a movie that will never be made; that is, unless you watch it in your mind’s eye. In its thirty-three moments of love, it tells of a passionate affair between a film director and a famous actress in Hollywood, where love is just the price you pay to get some fame. Alternately cynical and lyrical, thirty-three tells a story never to be told.