Interview with Nigel Mustard

What motivated you to become an indie author?
Perhaps storytelling is in my DNA*? A burning desire to tell my tale and a relentless passion for committing words to paper like some kind of ink robot.

And, I suppose, less romantically (and more truthfully) because I was made redundant by a bunch of fools who just couldn't spot talent if it punched them in the face. Though my mortgage was paid off in 2002, a man has to eat, and buy windscreen washer fluid, carpet cleaner etc etc etc etc etc etc etc.

*Deoxyribonucleic acid
Nigel, you've been correctly described as 'The Master Wordbender'. Do you think your uniquely brilliant take on storytelling in your masterpiece debut novel sets you apart from the boring drivel put out by the vast majority of 'mainstream' authors?
How has Smashwords contributed to your success?
To be frank, I haven't yet had any success, unless you count being sacked and marrying (and subsequently losing) an AWFUL person as success. But I do respect the Azure colour scheme, which is easy on my eyes (I suffer from optic-hypersensitivity).

I imagine, if and when success meets me, Smashwords's's(s?) reliable aggregation and integration software will be a cornerstone. However - and I feel I must be honest here - it will really boil down to my own genius, or semi-genius. Coat-tail riders and hangers on should take a ticket and join the damn queue.
What is the greatest joy of writing for you?
I once wrote a three page letter to the manager of my local supermarket, as part of a protracted back and forth regarding the dismal state of the tinned fish selection in his establishment.

Upon re-reading this question I realise I've probably misinterpreted it but I really am in a rush. Use your imagination.
What inspires you to get out of bed each day?
My dog, an unconfirmed bisexual (which is 100% fine), barks like a Dalek every morning at 5am. He sleeps on the double bed and doesn't like to share so I tend to sleep on the sofa or sometimes at the kitchen table with my head resting on the hard pine. This incessant pre-breakfast roaring inspires me to get up and feed him.
Do you remember the first story you ever wrote?
When I was a young man of about six, I wrote a story entitled 'what I want to be when I grew up.' Though I lacked some of the jargon required to write a believable monologue, I accurately described the career of a young, moderately ambitious middle manager in a successful medium-to-large private company.

Where some of my colleagues in the classroom wrote at length about being a train driver or astronaut, I had my feet firmly set on the ground. I am not someone prone to foolishly chasing whimsical inspiration, (nor do I possess the capacity to inspire others.)
What are you working on next?
I have written the first few chapters of the sequel to 'Fist First'. If the first book is successful - I will knock this out (thoughtfully and artfully) within six months to maximise profits.

And, of course, because storytelling is just something I do.

I am a writer. I write. I am like a vowel fountain, or a consonant abbatoir.
Who are your favorite authors?
- Dickens.
- Shakespeare.
- Einstein.
- Obama.
- Dan Brown.
When you're not writing, how do you spend your time?
Whilst this is probably not the sexy or interesting answer that my 'Mustardoholics' crave, I generally spend most of my time asleep on the sofa, driving to and from the shops and sitting on my small wooden stool watching snooker.

What did you expect? I skydive? I play team sport at a competitive level? I make love to beautiful nubile women? Or indeed any women at all?
Nigel, these days we are used to every conventional action hero being incredibly adept hand-to-hand fighters. just HOW tough is your creation Frank Stoker?
[Nigel runs his hands through his thinning hair and leans back on his chair, exhaling through pursed lips.]

How tough?

[Nigel looks straight at the camera lens, before smiling bewitchingly.]

Tough enough, my friend... Tough enough.
What do you read for pleasure?
- Old love letters.
- Vampire fiction.
- The back of cereal boxes.
- Snooker magazines.
- Credible and impressive literature from the old days.
Published 2015-05-11.
Smashwords Interviews are created by the profiled author, publisher or reader.