Interview with Frankie Lassut

Do you remember the first story you ever read, and the impact it had on you?
Maybe not the first, but I wrote an elongated advert for classical guitar strings; I was heavily into classical guitar for a lot of years and knew most of the world's top professionals. The mind images were hyperbolically crazy like they have always been. I wrote of putting dead fish in the living room and attracting cats ... the rest was a bit messy. I ended up with packs of gut strings I called Pussy Strings. No one wanted to buy any and then all of these players thought I was taking something, which is now my style i.e. 'wodzeon?'
How do you approach cover design?
I always get a mind image and as I'm a photographer too, which helps enormously. I used to draw them, but can't draw. Well I can, but my style is like a child who can't draw.
What is your e-reading device of choice?
An e reader.
What book marketing techniques have been most effective for you?
I visit rest homes and give books to the residents. I just take the money from their bedside cabinets. I'm usually happy with twenty pounds for a book (printed out on own printer). If any of them complain, a quick taste of my Taser gun is usually very effective. One zap equals co-operative payments for the rest of their naturals, unless they have dementia (which costs me in constant charging of the gun).
Where did you grow up, and how did this influence your writing?
My parents kept me in the cellar, so I'm pretty good at stories about being locked in the cellar type horror. The insects and stuff I ate were packed with more Omega 3 than Krill, so I'm really brainy and want to work on a supermarket till.
What motivated you to become an indie author?
Publishers with no taste or vision
How has Smashwords contributed to your success?
Mark Coker likes my stuff so much he keeps sending me food parcels and little notes saying 'don't give up the day job'
What is the greatest joy of writing for you?
When people who I don't like read my stuff, they think I'm mad and so they don't talk to me any more. That's how I discovered happiness.
What are you working on next?
Bin raiding techniques so as not to starve to death.
What do your fans mean to you?
I have several from Amazon and they keep me really cool when its hot. They therefore mean the world to me. Actually, my biggest fan is in a rest home, she has all my books (and no handy money left). Edith loves it when I read to her as it puts her to sleep (I thought it was the whisky which she keeps in her cabinet where the money used to be).
Published 2015-07-10.
Smashwords Interviews are created by the profiled author, publisher or reader.

Books by This Author

What's He Like?
Price: Free! Words: 44,720. Language: English. Published: October 11, 2018. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » General
This is a book about a small North-Western town called Millom. It started out as a little place which was built around an iron-ore mine. I was born in Ulverston, which is about eighteen miles away (the birthplace of Stan Laurel their particular claim to fame). Millom was plodding along doing nothing much but mining iron ore. The mines had closed down when I was a kid; and that was it really. There
I Want My Mummy!
Price: Free! Words: 6,490. Language: English. Published: September 27, 2018. Categories: Fiction » Horror » Weird fiction
Two horror stories about mummies, hence the title. Meant as a bit of fun. The first is about a bloke who buys a great metal detector; you’ll never guess what it’s made from. Well, this bloke goes into this farmer’s field and starts detecting. The second story is absolutely true.
Abra-ca-dabra!
Price: Free! Words: 12,340. Language: English. Published: September 24, 2018. Categories: Fiction » Science fiction » Short stories
I don’t like giving my stories away, except with the sort-of-promise that I reckon you might enjoy this one. What I will tell you is: the story is about a plumber who is very good at his job. When he finishes though, he’s a couch potato. His wife is an overweight office worker who buys him a pressy. That’ll do.
You Just Sit on Your Butt and Turn the Wheel
Price: $2.99 USD. Words: 21,470. Language: English. Published: September 9, 2018. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » General
This is the story of the greatest bus driver ever to drive the streets of Coventry, and what’s more, there will never be another of God-like status, here, or anywhere else. He shines divine light and other drivers are like mere candles in comparison.
The Trial of Mr Splish Splosh and Other Short Bizarro Stories
Price: Free! Words: 21,250. Language: English. Published: September 3, 2018. Categories: Fiction » Fantasy » Short stories
Come to the trial of Mr Splish Splosh; you won’t regret it! In this compendium of stories, we also meet Moomintroll. If you hadn’t met Moomintroll and his family when you were young, you missed out and didn’t have a proper childhood. How could your parents do that to you, you poor wee thing? Anyway, I will try and fill a little gap for you. That’s really nice of me.
The Tomb and Its Collection of Arty Facts
Price: $2.99 USD. Words: 18,900. Language: English. Published: August 12, 2018. Categories: Fiction » Fantasy » Short stories
If you read it, you’ll want to tell the world about it and I’ll love you forever. I may invite you around for tea. I’ve actually heard that you’ll soon be able to get a computer app called e-meals. It, through a projector, puts a very realistic picture of your meal on the table and you eat it. There is an app with it called taste and texture which simulates both.
The Demon
Price: $2.99 USD. Words: 12,930. Language: English. Published: August 2, 2018. Categories: Fiction » Horror » General
Have a torch handy, because if The Demon scares you like it might; you may go and hide under your bed. And then, if when you’re under your bed and it’s maybe dark … well, you’ll have a torch to read the rest of the book.
A Pineapple of Pleasure
Price: $3.99 USD. Words: 4,870. Language: English. Published: July 31, 2018. Categories: Fiction » Gay & lesbian fiction » Gay
You’ll enjoy this one. In fact, when you’ve read it, you will crawl to my door on hands and knees (that’s how you crawl) and beg me to write a sequel. Remember, bring a rucksack with some cans of cider in it … otherwise, you’ve got no chance!
A Bizarre Collection of Bonzo Dog's Doodah's
Price: $2.99 USD. Words: 15,480. Language: English. Published: July 24, 2018. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » General
We hope you enjoy these little pieces as much as Frankie enjoyed writing them.
A Bizarre Collection of Male Cat's Doodah's
Price: $2.99 USD. Words: 38,870. Language: English. Published: July 17, 2018. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » General
That’s the trouble with being a bizarro writer (I can’t help it), but anything normal that I write seems bland. Normal is a funny word to describe anything with; know what it means? Well. Today is your lucky day, because I’m going to tell you (that’s actually bloody nice of me, don’t you think?)
Fracula and Hamkenstein
Price: $1.99 USD. Words: 18,540. Language: English. Published: July 15, 2018. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » Black comedy
It is thought that Mary and Bram were turning in their graves after hearing that some author has written a tongue-in-cheeky ‘tribute’ to them. They, not being very happy with this actually got a copy (please don’t ask how; it’s complicated … ok, from the pound shop at midnight). However, after reading it, they both realised that the work is brilliant, and everyone should read it.
A Bizarre Collection of Male Cow's Doodah's
Price: $2.99 USD. Words: 21,180. Language: English. Published: July 5, 2018. Categories: Fiction » Fantasy » Short stories
Bizarre, or is it bizarre? I once had a weird friend called Stuart. He wanted to invite me around his house when he was throwing a party, because he wanted to introduce me to his friends as ‘a bizarre man’. The guy worked at IBM so he wasn’t stupid.
Tales from a Church Tea Room
Price: $1.99 USD. Words: 24,760. Language: English. Published: June 28, 2018. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » General
I walked off the street into a church tea room. And I’m not religious but because I’m cognoscenti; I know. So, I sat down … Then I thought, as a writer does … there must be an informative book in all of this?
Cinderella's Secret (and the Prince With a Little Secret of His Own)
Price: $3.50 USD. Words: 23,780. Language: English. Published: January 17, 2018. Categories: Nonfiction » Self-improvement » Personal Growth / General
Cinderella was a lady who lived with her ornery stepmother and her two, lazy stepsisters who got her to do all the household chores. Because she was a kind, she made friends with two mice … blah, blah.
Good Old Norman: Part 2. Two Enceeful Christmas Cracker Flash Stories for the Soul
Price: $1.99 USD. Words: 3,820. Language: English. Published: October 16, 2017. Categories: Fiction » Visionary & metaphysical, Nonfiction » Health, wellbeing, & medicine » Healing
This mini collection is for wellbeing curious people who appreciate it when someone attempts to amuse them (as long as they aren’t wearing a dirty mac), thus making them feel good. It is also for the wellbeing enthusiasts who appreciate the same thing.If you wish, class these two stories as Notmas stories.
One Flew Over the Care Home
Price: $1.99 USD. Words: 28,330. Language: English. Published: August 14, 2017. Categories: Fiction » Visionary & metaphysical, Fiction » Humor & comedy » General
So, you’re wellbeing curious and seriously considering taking it up and maybe becoming a happier person with a better ‘functioning’ life? May I therefore ask you a couple of easy to answer questions? Thanks (I’m psychic and I know you said, “yes please!”
The Neon Starling
Price: $1.99 USD. Words: 20,200. Language: English. Published: April 18, 2017. Categories: Fiction » Adventure » Action
The story consists of a letter of appreciation to a famous film director, plus a story which is the next ‘logical’ step to one of his famous films. The daughter of a brilliant genetic scientist/engineer wants to do something interesting with her life. She gets inspired and gets on with her desire, which turns out brilliant. End of story. But, her ‘stuff’ falls into the wrong hands.
The Tramadol Pollywog
Price: $2.99 USD. Words: 5,740. Language: English. Published: April 24, 2016. Categories: Fiction » Horror » Weird fiction
Any troubles in your life concerning your body, go see your doctor. I was knackered because I couldn’t sleep. So I went to the docs to get some sleeping pills. He seemed hesitant to give me them ... mind you, he didn’t mind giving me other pills that gave me rashes and made my eyes bleed.
Agony Grant
Price: $3.99 USD. Words: 20,650. Language: English. Published: April 7, 2016. Categories: Fiction » Fantasy » Dark
I thought I knew why, but I was wrong. I was wrong because the emotions of anger and frustration and ecstasy exist and they can make people swear and use expletives. You see, I thought I had been born in the wrong class of people. The people in my class swore simply because it existed i.e. the men.
The Woolyback Wool Puller
Series: Tales from the English Lake District. Price: $2.99 USD. Words: 12,080. Language: English. Published: February 8, 2016. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » General
Lies can be very beautiful things, which is a good job because lies are such a huge part of life, we’re stuck with them; for better for worse.
The Smaller Conspiracy
Series: Fun and Fantasy. Price: $1.49 USD. Words: 7,430. Language: English. Published: January 18, 2016. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » Satire
It’s in two parts. Firstly an academic waffles on about the world of retail in the usual academic way and then I’ll tell you what the academic can’t. As a little comfort offering I can tell you that it will happen slowly so you probably won’t notice ... until it’s too late and the last thing you ever see are teeth. Good luck.
Come-By
Series: Tales from the English Lake District. Price: $2.99 USD. Words: 2,730. Language: English. Published: December 2, 2015. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » Black comedy
I was fortunate enough to spend the first thirty years of my life in the English Lake District. I find Lake District books a bit boring which is why I like to write them in this caricature style which is a lot more interesting and entertaining (I find ... you get the info plus the fun). Much more interesting. Enjoy the ditty. It isn’t very long, but I know how to use it.
The Ace Historian
Price: $0.99 USD. Words: 9,410. Language: English. Published: August 9, 2015. Categories: Fiction » Historical » Medieval
This little offering then is a piece of history with a sprinkle of present to show just how easy it can be for the working class person to raise their status and get a job as a history teacher and get paid a lot of money for spouting believable claptrap.
Cedric Fallows and the Genius
Price: $0.99 USD. Words: 4,140. Language: English. Published: July 28, 2015. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » General
1.Cedric Fallows is all alone and on a downward spiral because his wife has died. His mate says ‘Cedric, you need a hobby.’ So Cedric gets a hobby as a domestic livestock therapist in an abattoir holding pen. But, what do you say to a stressed pig about to get the chop?‘ 2.This collection of words is about the statement ‘I’ve never used anything I learned at school’. But there was one thing ...
Two Splendid Venues
Price: Free! Words: 5,760. Language: English. Published: July 19, 2015. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » General
Well, these are what we call Quick Flash stories, which means they aren’t very long and so you could probably read one to completion on your way to work, Which is what we had in mind when producing them them. People asked us 'can you write something I could start and finish on my way to work?' ...
The Plastic Christmas Card
Price: Free! Words: 3,470. Language: English. Published: July 18, 2015. Categories: Fiction » Mashups
Happiness’s root is an old Latin word ‘Hopiness’ meaning ‘to feel good’. It hailed from the hop plantations of Evesham i.e. hops (as in malt and) meaning ‘happy crop’, planted and tended originally by Latins. That’s because Latin people (originally French tin miners i.e. ‘La-Tin’) felt happy when they drank the liquid made with hops (and malt).
The Caring Water Woman
Price: $0.99 USD. Words: 9,320. Language: English. Published: July 7, 2015. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » General
I love Abraham Hicks, they’re fantastic. On one DVD someone says ... ‘it’s a pity you can’t bottle allowing’. Jerry smiled and wrote it down. I, like him, thought that a great idea, so I ran to my lab and tried to figure out a way of isolating and bottling ‘easy life’ which would surely make me gazillions of pounds.
The Amityville Bother
Price: Free! Words: 4,820. Language: English. Published: July 6, 2015. Categories: Fiction » Mashups, Fiction » Humor & comedy » General
I have heard that when Hollywood makes a film about an event that happened somewhere, the only thing that is ‘actual’ is the fact that they used a camera to shoot it with and the rest is all made up for entertainment purposes.
The ‘Well Kept Secret’ Legend of Robin Hood
Price: $2.99 USD. Words: 4,630. Language: English. Published: July 2, 2015. Categories: Fiction » Historical » Medieval
When a place depends on a person or an event to tempt the tourists to depart with the sheckles, it is handy to have a famous person or an event to tempt the tourists to part with the sheckles so the locals can survive Winter, have cars, holidays etc. A lot of places have to lie a lot to make up a good story. Is the story about Robin Hood true? Or is it made up? Who cares eh?
Odd Shaped Balls
Price: Free! Words: 4,940. Language: English. Published: June 3, 2015. Categories: Fiction » Anthologies » Short stories - single author
A Quick Flash Rugby History lesson Q: Orange: What came first, the colour or the fruit? Q: What came first? The chicken or the egg? But ... WHY was rugby invented? ...
Two Croaks but no Frogs
Price: $0.99 USD. Words: 5,780. Language: English. Published: May 26, 2015. Categories: Fiction » Horror » General
Both stories are about death, or ‘croaking’ … the frogs therefore made a mistake, but they aren’t very clever so I can forgive them and even afford them a moment of fame.Enjoy the stories, they’re both basically true especially My Mother’s Brain. The first one, set in Egypt could actually happen as the stage is set and one only has to know what some men are like.
The Woman Who Saved Arnie
Series: Tales from the English Lake District. Price: $0.99 USD. Words: 6,240. Language: English. Published: May 13, 2015. Categories: Fiction » Fantasy » Short stories
This little Quick Flash extravaganza is actually ‘two’ Q F extravagan’zaz’. Yes, they have ‘zaz’! Can you believe that?! Two instead of one. Let that great news sink in, try not to faint.
The Eyebrow Hair
Price: $0.99 USD. Words: 7,390. Language: English. Published: May 5, 2015. Categories: Fiction » Fantasy » Short stories
Here’s another Quick Flash offering from our growing collection. The first A feature is about the worth of an eyebrow hair. Sounds stupid? Well, isn’t that good? The second A feature is about a situation that has been experienced by an awful lot of people (or a lot of awful people?). T
A ‘Quick Flash’ Legend from the English Lake District
Series: Tales from the English Lake District. Price: $0.99 USD. Words: 5,240. Language: English. Published: May 3, 2015. Categories: Fiction » Fantasy » Short stories
This Quick Flash story will prove beyond any doubt that posh people from Ancient Egypt have probably enjoyed holidays in the English Lakes, recommended the experience when getting back home and the rest of them with the cash to splash have followed through the ages.
The Irritation
Price: $0.99 USD. Words: 4,330. Language: British English. Published: April 27, 2015. Categories: Fiction » Fantasy » Short stories
Well ‘whoopy doo!’ Here’s another little Quick Flash story.
The Day of the Lugworm
Series: Tales from the English Lake District. Price: $0.99 USD. Words: 4,560. Language: English. Published: April 22, 2015. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » General, Fiction » Fantasy » Short stories
This is a little Quick Flash story about a trip up the North West coast of Cumbria. Readers who live a decent distance away, such as America, will know it as the Lake District. Apart from getting my late mother’s house ready for the market we (Evo and I) also relaxed with a little sea fishing which I grew up doing catching everything from plaice to Mamelukes. Have fun reading it.
Warm Your Cockles
Price: $0.99 USD. Words: 5,040. Language: English. Published: April 14, 2015. Categories: Fiction » Fantasy » Short stories
This is a little bit of fun inspired by a re ... ah! But hang on. That would be telling and it’s in the story. This is another wild and splendiferous ‘quick as a flash story’ like the Green Balloon one, but not short enough to be in the Haiku stable (thank God). It is something you may want to read on your way to work to cheer you up before you get there so you can arrive with a smile.
The Green Balloon - How A Green Balloon Helped Save Mankind
Price: $0.99 USD. Words: 4,970. Language: English. Published: April 1, 2015. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » General
The Green Balloon … a ‘quick flash’ story concerning the greatest gift God gave to man. Something to read on the way to work maybe?
The Boot Tree
Price: $0.99 USD. Words: 17,380. Language: English. Published: March 8, 2015. Categories: Fiction » Horror » General, Fiction » Romance » Short stories
I don’t like ‘write ups’ very much. I therefore suggest that you would read the book and be surprised. Evo said ‘but people may not hang around if you don’t tell them anything about the contents.’ ... I reply, well, there are many good writers out there so they may not hang about if I scribble a proper write up, so what’s the difference. Now please could you get back to the cooking and cleaning.
The Darling Buds of June
Price: $2.99 USD. Words: 13,410. Language: English. Published: January 18, 2015. Categories: Fiction » Historical » Medieval
Don’t make the mistake of thinking that this is a story based in Shakespeare’s time, it isn’t.; there have been enough of those to render the subject boring. This is word caricature of one town in particular.
Having Fun Loving
Series: Wellbeing. Price: $3.99 USD. Words: 13,840. Language: English. Published: December 28, 2014. Categories: Fiction » Romance » General, Nonfiction » Relationships and Family » Emotions
Two little love stories. Both are based on the emotional scale. Both are written about as un-Mills and Boon as is possible. The first is a fun adventure look at what might happen to those who have been broken hearted;dumped maybe? ’ The second, The Binman ... well men would be advised not to let their wives, partners, girlfriends, mistresses etc read it, you have been warned.
Some Games We Souls Like to Play on the Earth
Series: Wellbeing. Price: $3.99 USD. Words: 21,470. Language: English. Published: December 19, 2014. Categories: Nonfiction » Philosophy » New age philosophy, Nonfiction » New Age » Spiritualism
Some parts of this iccle book may make you angry, and anger produces some good games, such as judgement. Judgement is a good game, and you may judge me. Let’s see eh? Come in, come play, the ‘party’ is ready to begin. Remember to bring your body (you can’t hate or laugh or scratch you butt without it).
The Bible According to Monkey Joe
Price: $4.99 USD. Words: 25,560. Language: English. Published: August 17, 2014. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » Satire
As Editor of Sinner’s Monthly Magazine, I can say that this is a decent sin, a fine demonstration of the noble art of bLAUGHSphemy. The idea of making fun of the Bible to upset the Devil is a good idea and I think this is definitely in the bull’s eye. This may rouse the beast from Revelations, the one with the 666 on it’s head, which in turn may turn into something that will beat Godzilla.
Top Dollar Zombies
Price: $2.99 USD. Words: 10,280. Language: English. Published: July 26, 2014. Categories: Fiction » Horror » Undead
These three stories have some awful bits in them. The first one about the zombies has some good parts too, meaning good in the sense of ‘nice’, which is a bit of a change for zombies which tend to go around eating people alive. The second story which features cuckoos is what people might call human nature amplified, so is pretty horrible. The third is the dark the darker side of human nature.
Dead End
Series: Tales from the English Lake District. Price: $2.99 USD. Words: 7,000. Language: English. Published: July 20, 2014. Categories: Fiction » Horror » Weird fiction
The North West of England, off the main tourist trail of the Lake District, is a fairly quiet place, which is why some city people go there for weekends, to chill out. But, go to a country pub and if you can get talking to the locals, or a local who has stories to tell, you may be surprised at what you hear. I’m not talking stuff from the world’s biggest liar competition, this is more intimate.
P.o.r.e 4: Shopping for Mumbo Jumbo
Series: Wellbeing, Book 8. Price: $3.99 USD. Words: 8,820. Language: English. Published: July 10, 2014. Categories: Nonfiction » Health, wellbeing, & medicine » Healing
Shopping for Mumbo Jumbo? What that really means is, having an interesting time and even an amusing time shopping. That’s because wellbeing, or ‘mumbo jumbo’ really means, feeling good. That’s your purpose on earth, to come here on ‘holiday’ and have a good time. When we feel good, it’s called wellbeing (mumbo jumbo). So, come hear some shopping stories. It’s ok, they’re free.
The Story of The Black Grouse
Price: $2.99 USD. Words: 8,920. Language: English. Published: July 9, 2014. Categories: Fiction » Fantasy » General
The Black Grouse is an English hero in Scotland, helping out where the Scottish can’t, mainly due to their love of barley based refreshments. With his team, not only does the Grouse perform well at the Highland games, but also in his mission. The villains are English too, a right mad duo, but are sorted out by the grouse and his friends. The real villain is a Scot,
England's Ultimate Goal
Price: $1.99 USD. Words: 12,050. Language: English. Published: July 8, 2014. Categories: Nonfiction » Health, wellbeing, & medicine » Mental health
England win the World Cup at long last and also at long last, the fans are happy as are most of England. In wellbeing terms though, happiness begins within. That’s always a bitter pill to swallow for people unfamiliar with wellbeing, ‘like attracts like’, and so one must feel good in order to get good. What about when one feels bad to get good, as football fans usually do?
P.o.r.e. 2 & 3
Series: Wellbeing, Book 7. Price: $3.99 USD. Words: 16,680. Language: English. Published: July 4, 2014. Categories: Nonfiction » Health, wellbeing, & medicine » Mental health
PORE 2 looks at those annoying people, you know, those who are lucky.Everyone I’ve asked ‘believes’ in luck, but that’s the only word they have to describe that state of being. Luck must work a bit like gravity, PORE 3 looks at a couple of ideas regarding deforestation i.e. how to feel good and appreciate it, and more importantly ‘why’.
Skid Marks
Price: $1.49 USD. Words: 24,640. Language: English. Published: June 29, 2014. Categories: Nonfiction » Biography » Autobiographies & Memoirs
The three stars lined up vertically and to the naked eye, looked like lights in a block of flats. The vertical celestial line up was directly above Coventry bus station and was an indication from the Lyra Constellation several light years away. This special line up was telling the people of the West Midlands (and England, probably the world) that the greatest bus driver was to start his training.
P.o.r.e. 1
Series: Wellbeing, Book 6. Price: $3.99 USD. Words: 9,450. Language: English. Published: June 5, 2014. Categories: Fiction » Inspirational
This is a little handbook on life, which isn’t packed with mumbo jumbo stuff. It won’t make you thin or rich or stop you a smoking, which is good because hospitals need patients, they’re their life’s blood (especially in haematology). The little widgy book logically supposes a few weirdo things and, contains some hyperbolic humour. The main logical question isn’t one that is usually asked in pubs.
Please Pray for Me
Price: $2.99 USD. Words: 11,980. Language: English. Published: May 20, 2014. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » Satire
One man was brave enough to take a look at his last forty years of life, decided that it was riddled with sin ... and decided to do something about it. Unable to join the church because of past ‘sin’ thoughts (over 500!), he nevertheless chose to become Christian in his morals and values (and thoughts).
The Secret Life of Hospital Food
Series: Wellbeing, Book 5. Price: $2.99 USD. Words: 19,270. Language: English. Published: April 27, 2014. Categories: Nonfiction » Health, wellbeing, & medicine » Diseases / heart
Have a stroke, it’s easy when you know how. Sit in a bed on a hospital ward and decide whether you should be angry or downhearted or feel blessed. Sit there for hours on end with only a wall and other almost completely stroke-disabled patients to look at. s it a good thing? Is it a bad thing? How is your perspective controlled?
Housework’s Invisible Gold
Price: $1.99 USD. Words: 25,940. Language: English. Published: February 19, 2014. Categories: Nonfiction » Self-improvement » Personal Growth / General
like having babies, housework is really for women only; blokes won't do it. i'm, not saying that's right or wrong. what i'm saying is that women take the attitude they take because of a lack of understanding. this book is therefore, for women only.
Close Encounters in Cannington
Price: $2.99 USD. Words: 21,660. Language: English. Published: December 7, 2013. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » General
Starting in 1976, until its end in 1993, an event which took place in the agricultural college in Cannington, near Bridgewater, Somerset, stopped ‘local’ aliens from landing there and having a good time ‘researching’, which they had previously enjoyed. This true story is suitable for musicians and music lovers. It isn’t suitable for classical guitarists at all.
Bed, Knobs and Groom Tricks 2, Sleeping On the Job.
Series: Erotic Distractions. Price: $3.99 USD. Words: 11,780. Language: English. Published: November 17, 2013. Categories: Fiction » Erotica » Couples Erotica
Learning the lesson from the first book, Dubai, I left the toilet door ajar this time and a draught closed it. The last book (Dubai ... well, did you? Dubai it? LOL!) is out there doing its thing, so now, locked in the loo again, I may as well start part 2.
A Little book of Mumagination
Series: Wellbeing, Book 3. Price: $1.49 USD. Words: 4,090. Language: English. Published: November 13, 2013. Categories: Fiction » Holiday » Family
This small book is designed to be read by mums. Hopefully if they like the short imaginative stories, they can then adapt the stories and tell them, in their own words to their child/children using the pictures.Goes hand in hand with Super Nature Imagination and Imagination City, Broken Toy and Thing hospital. Imagination is a powerful tool, nowadays used by sports and businesses alike. Introduci
Imagination City
Price: $1.49 USD. Words: 2,710. Language: English. Published: November 9, 2013. Categories: Fiction » Children’s books » Imagination & Play
I happen to enjoy finding broken and abandoned toys and things on the floor, picking them up, and giving them some time in my hospital before finding them somthing to do ... something which they enjoy. It’s a nice hospital. Very friendly, full of smiles when the patients feel a little better after they have had a rest after being rescued. It’s nice to go for a walk, find a sad face and know that
Bed, Knobs and Groom Tricks, Dubai
Series: Erotic Distractions. Price: $3.99 USD. Words: 6,040. Language: English. Published: November 7, 2013. Categories: Fiction » Erotica » Couples Erotica
You wouldn’t believe it, the toilet door is jammed again. I have nothing to do but wait until the locksmith arrives. Saying that, and idea comes to mind, so I take my notebook from the rear pocket of my diamond and ruby studded jeans and emerald encrusted belt ... and begin to write some erotica. This though is erotica with a difference, so avant garde you will need binoculars to see that garde.
Super Nature Imagination
Price: $0.99 USD. Words: 2,360. Language: English. Published: October 24, 2013. Categories: Fiction » Children’s books » Nature & the Natural World / Environment
Three stories based on a super style of nature from the imagination of the author, which is very child like and so, able to see the beauty of the world in easy to follow ‘short tale form’. The stories have a wellbeing flavour, and Frankie talks about the soul of the tree, and the friendly vibration of the pot figurine. He does all the photography too.
Pineapple Pleasure 2 - Sleeping on The Job
Series: Erotic Distractions. Price: $3.99 USD. Words: 11,610. Language: English. Published: July 28, 2013. Categories: Fiction » Erotica » Gay Erotica
Carl, Tony and their little winged friend Super Fly get together again. This time they travel to lands far and distant in a flying ‘rig’ designed by Super Fly, to a secret lab where a fantastic scientific/electronics expert genius (you wouldn’t believe how he achieved that position) in a secret lab, helps them design the world’s greatest, revolutionary, ‘probably’ sex toy.
Four Tales of Awful Horror
Price: $2.99 USD. Words: 15,390. Language: English. Published: June 16, 2013. Categories: Fiction » Horror » Weird fiction
This is a respectful tribute to the recently passed British horror author, the great, the well loved James Herbert. The four short stories have been written down by Frankie who channels the souls of who were great unknown British horror writers, James Turbot and Stephen Cling. October-Aurora-Sunrise
Hickory Dickory's Mouse Diner
Price: $0.99 USD. Words: 3,910. Language: English. Published: May 27, 2013. Categories: Fiction » Children’s books » Animals
If you have mice that are socially more refined than where you actually live, you may, if you don’t like killing mice with traps (it isn’t very nice, is it), take care of their culinary habits. We’re guessing 8-10 years with the reader age range. Maybe younger might enjoy it (if read with an adult). Adults may like to ‘borrow it and read it’?
The Legend of Billy Big Eyes
Series: Erotic Distractions. Price: $3.99 USD. Words: 7,230. Language: English. Published: May 15, 2013. Categories: Fiction » Erotica » Gay Erotica
One morning, quite a while after his operation, Billy wakes up to find his life has to change. Things change again after his boyfriend has an argument with some fish. A little different from the normal erotica, but less boring (so to speak).
The Fairies of Burpy Glade
Price: $0.99 USD. Words: 3,260. Language: English. Published: March 6, 2013. Categories: Nonfiction » Children's Books » Curiosities & Wonders
A story about some cheeky fairies that have quite an unpopular talent. Perfect for naughty children 'and' cheeky adults. We had to click the fiction button, but, is the story actually 'fiction'?
The Tipsy Trip
Series: Tales from the English Lake District. Price: $2.99 USD. Words: 21,290. Language: English. Published: January 11, 2013. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » General
Frankie has quite a good sense of humour, which on occasion, can raise a smile on people's faces. Since writing a book about his old home town, Millom's strange history, he decided to extend the view to include the rest of Cumbria.
The Gift of Dementia
Series: Wellbeing. Price: $4.99 USD. Words: 26,230. Language: English. Published: August 16, 2012. Categories: Nonfiction » Health, wellbeing, & medicine » Mental health
The people of the world plod along ... and plod along.People are conditioned into ways of life that don’t ‘work’, yet they keep on doing them and keep on doing them, but they don’t work, so they just keep on repeating them, but they don’t work so ... try again. And the same things happen, but we can’t fix them and neither can the people who we give our trust and hope to in order to fix them.
The Music of Your Life
Price: $2.99 USD. Words: 18,110. Language: English. Published: June 30, 2012. Categories: Nonfiction » Self-improvement » Confidence and self-esteem, Nonfiction » Health, wellbeing, & medicine » Women's health
For women only (men just don’t get it ... it isn’t soccer or baseball), Do you like your life? Do you know that everything in the Universe vibrates? Did you know that this means you live in an active musical symphony? Did you know that you are a musician in this symphony? Did you know that the music you produce attracts your reality (part of the symphony)?.Read all about it!(I shouted that).
Irreverent Distraction No.6, Beware of the Scientists
Price: $2.99 USD. Words: 6,910. Language: English. Published: April 3, 2012. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » Satire
You read in the paper; ‘drinking red wine may cause cancer, say scientists’ ... so you analyse your red wine intake (and cut down). One month later, you read; ‘red wine may not be a cause of cancer, say scientists’ ... so you up your red wine intake, because you’re ok to do so now ... you’ve been given the all clear by the ‘experts’. But wait! Your ‘red wine soup’ causes cancer ... again
The Parallelogames
Series: Fun and Fantasy, Book 17. Price: $2.99 USD. Words: 10,600. Language: English. Published: March 10, 2012. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » General
It’s 2012! It’s time for the Olympics! Ah but! On an earth ‘twin’ planet, in a parallel Universe, they have a little extra. Someone came up with the bright idea of having Fringe Olympics i.e. various sports here and there which do not, for one reason or another, get to be part of the main events. What the Olympics do for seriousness, the Fringe Games do for ‘fun’. Enter the portal, and enjoy th
Wot's the Matter
Price: $2.99 USD. Words: 10,310. Language: English. Published: February 15, 2012. Categories: Nonfiction » Self-improvement » Personal Growth / Memory Improvement
When you look at the world, you could be excused for thinking, ‘what an awful place’, because of all the things that are happening both to you, and to other people ... few are going to explain that this is a trick, played by yourself, on yourself. Science will try and bamboozle you, religion will flummox you, and ,may even fill you with fear ... over ‘nothing’.
Absurd Tales from the NHS
Price: $3.99 USD. Words: 20,720. Language: English. Published: January 18, 2012. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » Black comedy
The NHS in Britain is in crisis, so this should be an interesting read for those who like hospital dramas. I'm an outsider, but the people from the NHS who have read it have said ... "Too close for comfort." Some from other walks of life have said ... "Well that sounds about true."
The Little Pink Well Being Bible (For Women Only)
Series: Wellbeing, Book 1. Price: $4.99 USD. Words: 11,450. Language: English. Published: January 14, 2012. Categories: Nonfiction » Self-improvement » Confidence and self-esteem
This offering is ‘how to remember you’re a special woman’. All woman are special, they just don’t realise it. Women populate the earth. Men impregnate them, but, that isn’t necessary; the Bible tells us that, twice at least (if you choose to believe that). So, men are there to lift heavy weights and move stuff. This handbook is therefore for women and their children. It consists of some useful wisdom, and some great reasons why you should all have massive, female, self-appreciation.
Eggbertina Presents: Roger, the Talking Vibrator
Series: Erotic Distractions. Price: $3.99 USD. Words: 6,160. Language: English. Published: January 4, 2012. Categories: Fiction » Erotica » Comedy/Humor
EggROTIC stories from my telepathic friend, Eggbertina, the ostrich love egg. Starts with her dictation from Roger, a talking vibrator, and finishes with Swiss watches, just after God tries to patent sex. There’s a great game too from Orgasmo-Corp (International DSS Jobseekers Newstart, Gateway, Global Multinational Corporation), which ladies might like to play at home?
Where There's a Will...
Price: $2.99 USD. Words: 12,480. Language: English. Published: December 30, 2011. Categories: Fiction » Horror » Weird fiction
This is the revised and updated version of A Flower in the Attic. It consists of two horror stories, and two sort of fantasy/mystery stories, both inspired by small events. I hope you enjoy them. Where there’s a will deals with a troublesome mother. Warm your cockles deals with growing cockles, and dangerous animals. A Nice Romantic Man? I hope you enjoy a good love story.
Satan's Advocate
Price: $3.99 USD. Words: 6,840. Language: English. Published: December 24, 2011. Categories: Fiction » Horror » Occult
Satan’s not a bad guy, it’s what he feeds on that’s the problem for humans. Humans though are so entrenched with beliefs that have been fed to them (and boy do they believe ‘anything’), that Satan appears to be the ultimate bad guy. What though if Satan is neutral, and just likes eating? What if the food supply is a non phys ...
Tits Up
Series: Fun and Fantasy, Book 14. Price: $2.99 USD. Words: 16,430. Language: English. Published: December 20, 2011. Categories: Nonfiction » Science and Nature » Environment
Quiet self time is liquid gold time, it is so very precious. No quiet time, and noise prevails inside the human, and that’s the invite to madness, and in many cases, the doorway to the world of therapy. It’s not enough for sleep to be the only escape from an increasingly insane world. Silence is golden. Silence is our true nature.
The Hell-Raising Rock and Roll Adventures of Alice Pooper and Iggy Popsicle
Series: Fun and Fantasy, Book 11. Price: $2.99 USD. Words: 14,590. Language: English. Published: December 2, 2011. Categories: Fiction » Holiday » Adventure
Can two rag dolls of rock gods Alice Pooper and Iggy Popsicle help save the world? Can the two of them persuade governments to stop the rot? We shall see. Rock On Man! Rather controvertial book! For some folk that is.
The Cleaning Lady and The Crystal Bell
Price: $2.99 USD. Words: 14,940. Language: English. Published: November 23, 2011. Categories: Fiction » Fantasy » Contemporary
Most people work hard, which in most cases is an activity they don’t ‘choose’, to get money to do an activity they do choose, such as a holiday, or a Johnny Robinson Concert (Johnny Robinson Rocks!). Work is seen as a necessity, which most people do grudgingly, but they still do it to the best of their abilities if only to avoid a rollocking, or the sack?
The Return of the Pied Piper
Series: Fun and Fantasy, Book 8. Price: $4.99 USD. Words: 33,500. Language: English. Published: November 6, 2011. Categories: Fiction » Anthologies » Transgressional
I finish work for a few days, and get scared because I then didn’t have anyone to think for me. I go up North, but break down on the motorway. I am going to have to pay for a tow or a repair, but my credit card overhears and doesn’t like what it overhears. Why am I going anyway? My mother just spends a couple of days nagging me. Join me on my strange adventure.
One Year in Tibet
Series: Fun and Fantasy, Book 7. Price: $4.99 USD. Words: 29,930. Language: English. Published: October 26, 2011. Categories: Fiction » Holiday » Adventure, Fiction » Humor & comedy » Satire
Fifteen minutes a day training the mind to work at optimum level? I fancy a bit of that. I thought, 'who are the Masters' at this? The Tibetan monks of course. I thought, I'll go there and do the job properly. Peace for twelve whole months! Just me, in a cave, no hassle! Perfect!
Oh, I do like to be beside the sea-side
Series: Fun and Fantasy, Book 6. Price: $2.99 USD. Words: 9,180. Language: English. Published: October 4, 2011. Categories: Fiction » Holiday » Humorous
A lot of people think that people in mental health asylums are there because they have gone mad for some reason, and are therefore locked up to keep them out of so called ‘normal society'. That isn’t quite right; they are there because normal society has driven them mad, and they are actually just downsizing.
The Penis Monologues
Series: Erotic Distractions. Price: $3.99 USD. Words: 6,560. Language: English. Published: September 22, 2011. Categories: Fiction » Erotica » Comedy/Humor
The Vagina Monologues have been around now for a long time, so, it's time the lads had a shot. It's very difficult being a man, to gather research from men, for this topic i.e. "Hello mate, what does Your 'thingy' smell like?" It will be interesting to see what kind of an audience this gets.
Bonfire Night at the Old Country Manor
Price: $2.99 USD. Words: 2,290. Language: English. Published: September 18, 2011. Categories: Fiction » Children’s books » Animals
A short story in a style called 'Adulchi' for parents to read with thier young children or for older children to read by themselves. The story covers the Bonfire Night party that happens on November the 5th each year in England at an old country manor. The resident animals enjoy thier own party in thier own way.
Mind Shift, The Beautiful Art of Inn - vention
Price: $2.99 USD. Words: 9,770. Language: English. Published: August 9, 2011. Categories: Fiction » Holiday » Humorous
INN Ventions are inventions that have been devised in the surroundings of a pub somewhere. There are some really good ones in this collection, one or two that make the marketplace, and even the easy formula inventors use ... ‘and’ a guaranteed way of receiving money both without working, or trying.
The Chuckling Crab
Series: Fun and Fantasy, Book 4. Price: $2.99 USD. Words: 15,350. Language: English. Published: July 17, 2011. Categories: Fiction » Holiday » Humorous
The tantalising story of the Ghost Town's (Coventry) brilliant specialised seafood restaurant, which was made to sparkle by Nim Chana, an alien. The restaurant was a legend in its own lifetime. Mouth wateringly funny!
Erotic Distraction No3.1 The Blue Movie & Louise
Series: Erotic Distractions. Price: $3.99 USD. Words: 6,180. Language: English. Published: June 24, 2011. Categories: Fiction » Erotica » Erotica Anthologies
The author visits a blue movie cinema, gets worked up and passionate. Then a disaster ...
Erotic Distraction No2 Cosmically Ordering Sex from a God with a Devilish Sense of Humour
Series: Erotic Distractions. Price: $3.99 USD. Words: 4,750. Language: English. Published: June 21, 2011. Categories: Fiction » Erotica » Comedy/Humor
(4.00 from 1 review)
I, the author, because I'm a wellbeing speaker. know that God has an 'offbeat' sense of humour.
Erotic Distraction No1 Nessum Dorma
Series: Erotic Distractions. Price: $3.99 USD. Words: 2,890. Language: English. Published: June 19, 2011. Categories: Fiction » Erotica » General
Erotic books all have the same theme, obviously; and the same end. This one deals with the eroticism embedded in Britain's Got Talent, and features a new sex toy invention.
Heart Failure
Price: $2.99 USD. Words: 16,810. Language: English. Published: June 6, 2011. Categories: Nonfiction » Health, wellbeing, & medicine » Diseases
The real life sequel to the Tales from the NHSS. If your life is empty, uninteresting and funless? Then develop hypertension and heart failure and attract some zesty excitement. A true account from the wrong side of the canulae.
The Paprefutu
Price: $2.99 USD. Words: 16,830. Language: English. Published: June 5, 2011. Categories: Nonfiction » Health, wellbeing, & medicine » Vision
A personal empowement book dealing with the aptly named 'mean-time'. The Law of Attraction sets desire into manifestation but this takes time, and most hate the aptly named 'mean' time ... to their utter dissapointment ... but, remembering how to use this meantime to appreciate rather than to hate it.
Yorkshire Pudding and Gravey
Series: Fun and Fantasy, Book 2. Price: $2.99 USD. Words: 3,850. Language: English. Published: May 20, 2011. Categories: Fiction » Anthologies » Short stories - single author
The author (me), takes a trip through Yorkshire, passing through Harrogate. He(I)stops, goes to a pub to refresh, meets a local, who then begins to tell him stories about deepest rural Yorkshire. You won't believe them; I don't, and I wrote it.
Happy Juice
Series: Tales from the English Lake District. Price: $2.99 USD. Words: 24,240. Language: English. Published: May 2, 2011. Categories: Fiction » Adventure » General
(5.00 from 1 review)
Frankie, a past inhabitor of the Lake District in England gives a rather different view, and a way of coping with the omnipresent sheep key rings, ice cream van queues and pieces of slate with barometers set in them and models of people climbing them.
Good Friends
Price: $2.99 USD. Words: 2,970. Language: English. Published: April 22, 2011. Categories: Fiction » Children’s books » Animals
(5.00 from 1 review)
A young giraffe and his mother get parted in a wood full of juicy fruit trees.