Interview with Frankie Lassut

Do you remember the first story you ever read, and the impact it had on you?
Maybe not the first, but I wrote an elongated advert for classical guitar strings; I was heavily into classical guitar for a lot of years and knew most of the world's top professionals. The mind images were hyperbolically crazy like they have always been. I wrote of putting dead fish in the living room and attracting cats ... the rest was a bit messy. I ended up with packs of gut strings I called Pussy Strings. No one wanted to buy any and then all of these players thought I was taking something, which is now my style i.e. 'wodzeon?'
How do you approach cover design?
I always get a mind image and as I'm a photographer too, which helps enormously. I used to draw them, but can't draw. Well I can, but my style is like a child who can't draw.
What is your e-reading device of choice?
An e reader.
What book marketing techniques have been most effective for you?
I visit rest homes and give books to the residents. I just take the money from their bedside cabinets. I'm usually happy with twenty pounds for a book (printed out on own printer). If any of them complain, a quick taste of my Taser gun is usually very effective. One zap equals co-operative payments for the rest of their naturals, unless they have dementia (which costs me in constant charging of the gun).
Where did you grow up, and how did this influence your writing?
My parents kept me in the cellar, so I'm pretty good at stories about being locked in the cellar type horror. The insects and stuff I ate were packed with more Omega 3 than Krill, so I'm really brainy and want to work on a supermarket till.
What motivated you to become an indie author?
Publishers with no taste or vision
How has Smashwords contributed to your success?
Mark Coker likes my stuff so much he keeps sending me food parcels and little notes saying 'don't give up the day job'
What is the greatest joy of writing for you?
When people who I don't like read my stuff, they think I'm mad and so they don't talk to me any more. That's how I discovered happiness.
What are you working on next?
Bin raiding techniques so as not to starve to death.
What do your fans mean to you?
I have several from Amazon and they keep me really cool when its hot. They therefore mean the world to me. Actually, my biggest fan is in a rest home, she has all my books (and no handy money left). Edith loves it when I read to her as it puts her to sleep (I thought it was the whisky which she keeps in her cabinet where the money used to be).
Published 2015-07-10.
Smashwords Interviews are created by the profiled author, publisher or reader.

Books by This Author

Manitas De Tortura
Price: Free! Words: 13,660. Language: English. Published: December 10, 2018. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » Black comedy
Manitas De Tortura means, in case you don’t know; Hands of Torture. It is about methods of torture they use in Spain when they capture British tourists who don’t flush when they use the loo in the hotel where they’re staying. I can’t tell you any more or I might be tortured by the Harmonicinati The Harmonicinati are a branch of the Illumin … I can’t say anymore!
William Beau-Vine
Price: Free! Words: 7,470. Language: English. Published: November 20, 2018. Categories: Fiction » Erotica » Gay Erotica
This story though is about man-sex, meaning man to man. Oops! My taxi has just arrived, gotta go! Oops, I didn’t tell them about the story, goddam it. Oh, never mind, they will find out when they read it. They don’t have to pay for a couple of months anyway.
Grant Goes Self-Employed
Price: Free! Words: 19,910. Language: English. Published: November 18, 2018. Categories: Fiction » Erotica » General
Grant is convinced that he can help people with relationship problems, so he replies to people’s ads out of a newspaper. He chooses a well-known one and writes what he considers to be a better solution than theirs. He then puts them in phone boxes. While he does this, he undertakes several other business ventures. Grant goes self-employed.
For My Own Selfish Reasons
Price: Free! Words: 30,120. Language: English. Published: November 13, 2018. Categories: Nonfiction » Self-improvement » Personal Growth / General
Household chores? Women’s work and they have been for thousands of years. Men have been enjoying living a lie. All I can say is ‘ladies, prepare to be delighted. Read Frankie's best selling secrets!!
"John Smith"
Price: Free! Words: 8,140. Language: English. Published: October 21, 2018. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » General
John Smith is a brilliant writer. John writes to Stephen King and James Herbert (late), offering to be their tutor as he thinks their work could do with some improvement in order for them to sell more books.
I Want My Mummy!
Price: Free! Words: 6,490. Language: English. Published: September 27, 2018. Categories: Fiction » Horror » Weird fiction
Two horror stories about mummies, hence the title. Meant as a bit of fun. The first is about a bloke who buys a great metal detector; you’ll never guess what it’s made from. Well, this bloke goes into this farmer’s field and starts detecting. The second story is absolutely true.
Price: $1.99 USD. Words: 12,340. Language: English. Published: September 24, 2018. Categories: Fiction » Science fiction » Short stories
I don’t like giving my stories away, except with the sort-of-promise that I reckon you might enjoy this one. What I will tell you is: the story is about a plumber who is very good at his job. When he finishes though, he’s a couch potato. His wife is an overweight office worker who buys him a pressy. That’ll do.
You Just Sit on Your Butt and Turn the Wheel
Price: $2.99 USD. Words: 21,470. Language: English. Published: September 9, 2018. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » General
This is the story of the greatest bus driver ever to drive the streets of Coventry, and what’s more, there will never be another of God-like status, here, or anywhere else. He shines divine light and other drivers are like mere candles in comparison.
The Trial of Mr Splish Splosh and Other Short Bizarro Stories
Price: Free! Words: 21,250. Language: English. Published: September 3, 2018. Categories: Fiction » Fantasy » Short stories
(4.00 from 1 review)
Come to the trial of Mr Splish Splosh; you won’t regret it! In this compendium of stories, we also meet Moomintroll. If you hadn’t met Moomintroll and his family when you were young, you missed out and didn’t have a proper childhood. How could your parents do that to you, you poor wee thing? Anyway, I will try and fill a little gap for you. That’s really nice of me.
The Tomb and Its Collection of Arty Facts
Price: $2.99 USD. Words: 18,900. Language: English. Published: August 12, 2018. Categories: Fiction » Fantasy » Short stories
If you read it, you’ll want to tell the world about it and I’ll love you forever. I may invite you around for tea. I’ve actually heard that you’ll soon be able to get a computer app called e-meals. It, through a projector, puts a very realistic picture of your meal on the table and you eat it. There is an app with it called taste and texture which simulates both.
The Demon
Price: $2.99 USD. Words: 12,930. Language: English. Published: August 2, 2018. Categories: Fiction » Horror » General
Have a torch handy, because if The Demon scares you like it might; you may go and hide under your bed. And then, if when you’re under your bed and it’s maybe dark … well, you’ll have a torch to read the rest of the book.
A Pineapple of Pleasure
Price: $3.99 USD. Words: 4,870. Language: English. Published: July 31, 2018. Categories: Fiction » Gay & lesbian fiction » Gay
You’ll enjoy this one. In fact, when you’ve read it, you will crawl to my door on hands and knees (that’s how you crawl) and beg me to write a sequel. Remember, bring a rucksack with some cans of cider in it … otherwise, you’ve got no chance!
A Bizarre Collection of Bonzo Dog's Doodah's
Price: $2.99 USD. Words: 15,480. Language: English. Published: July 24, 2018. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » General
We hope you enjoy these little pieces as much as Frankie enjoyed writing them.
A Bizarre Collection of Male Cat's Doodah's
Price: $2.99 USD. Words: 38,870. Language: English. Published: July 17, 2018. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » General
That’s the trouble with being a bizarro writer (I can’t help it), but anything normal that I write seems bland. Normal is a funny word to describe anything with; know what it means? Well. Today is your lucky day, because I’m going to tell you (that’s actually bloody nice of me, don’t you think?)
Fracula and Hamkenstein
Price: $1.99 USD. Words: 18,540. Language: English. Published: July 15, 2018. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » Black comedy
It is thought that Mary and Bram were turning in their graves after hearing that some author has written a tongue-in-cheeky ‘tribute’ to them. They, not being very happy with this actually got a copy (please don’t ask how; it’s complicated … ok, from the pound shop at midnight). However, after reading it, they both realised that the work is brilliant, and everyone should read it.
A Bizarre Collection of Male Cow's Doodah's
Price: $2.99 USD. Words: 21,180. Language: English. Published: July 5, 2018. Categories: Fiction » Fantasy » Short stories
Bizarre, or is it bizarre? I once had a weird friend called Stuart. He wanted to invite me around his house when he was throwing a party, because he wanted to introduce me to his friends as ‘a bizarre man’. The guy worked at IBM so he wasn’t stupid.
The Ace Historian
Price: $0.99 USD. Words: 9,410. Language: English. Published: August 9, 2015. Categories: Fiction » Historical » Medieval
This little offering then is a piece of history with a sprinkle of present to show just how easy it can be for the working class person to raise their status and get a job as a history teacher and get paid a lot of money for spouting believable claptrap.
Cedric Fallows and the Genius
Price: $0.99 USD. Words: 4,140. Language: English. Published: July 28, 2015. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » General
1.Cedric Fallows is all alone and on a downward spiral because his wife has died. His mate says ‘Cedric, you need a hobby.’ So Cedric gets a hobby as a domestic livestock therapist in an abattoir holding pen. But, what do you say to a stressed pig about to get the chop?‘ 2.This collection of words is about the statement ‘I’ve never used anything I learned at school’. But there was one thing ...
The Plastic Christmas Card
Price: Free! Words: 3,470. Language: English. Published: July 18, 2015. Categories: Fiction » Mashups
Happiness’s root is an old Latin word ‘Hopiness’ meaning ‘to feel good’. It hailed from the hop plantations of Evesham i.e. hops (as in malt and) meaning ‘happy crop’, planted and tended originally by Latins. That’s because Latin people (originally French tin miners i.e. ‘La-Tin’) felt happy when they drank the liquid made with hops (and malt).
The Amityville Bother
Price: Free! Words: 4,820. Language: English. Published: July 6, 2015. Categories: Fiction » Mashups, Fiction » Humor & comedy » General
I have heard that when Hollywood makes a film about an event that happened somewhere, the only thing that is ‘actual’ is the fact that they used a camera to shoot it with and the rest is all made up for entertainment purposes.
The ‘Well Kept Secret’ Legend of Robin Hood
Price: $2.99 USD. Words: 4,630. Language: English. Published: July 2, 2015. Categories: Fiction » Historical » Medieval
When a place depends on a person or an event to tempt the tourists to depart with the sheckles, it is handy to have a famous person or an event to tempt the tourists to part with the sheckles so the locals can survive Winter, have cars, holidays etc. A lot of places have to lie a lot to make up a good story. Is the story about Robin Hood true? Or is it made up? Who cares eh?
Two Croaks but no Frogs
Price: $0.99 USD. Words: 5,780. Language: English. Published: May 26, 2015. Categories: Fiction » Horror » General
Both stories are about death, or ‘croaking’ … the frogs therefore made a mistake, but they aren’t very clever so I can forgive them and even afford them a moment of fame.Enjoy the stories, they’re both basically true especially My Mother’s Brain. The first one, set in Egypt could actually happen as the stage is set and one only has to know what some men are like.
The Woman Who Saved Arnie
Series: Tales from the English Lake District. Price: $0.99 USD. Words: 6,240. Language: English. Published: May 13, 2015. Categories: Fiction » Fantasy » Short stories
This little Quick Flash extravaganza is actually ‘two’ Q F extravagan’zaz’. Yes, they have ‘zaz’! Can you believe that?! Two instead of one. Let that great news sink in, try not to faint.
The Irritation
Price: $0.99 USD. Words: 4,330. Language: British English. Published: April 27, 2015. Categories: Fiction » Fantasy » Short stories
Well ‘whoopy doo!’ Here’s another little Quick Flash story.
The Green Balloon - How A Green Balloon Helped Save Mankind
Price: $0.99 USD. Words: 4,970. Language: English. Published: April 1, 2015. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » General
The Green Balloon … a ‘quick flash’ story concerning the greatest gift God gave to man. Something to read on the way to work maybe?
The Boot Tree
Price: $0.99 USD. Words: 17,380. Language: English. Published: March 8, 2015. Categories: Fiction » Horror » General, Fiction » Romance » Short stories
I don’t like ‘write ups’ very much. I therefore suggest that you would read the book and be surprised. Evo said ‘but people may not hang around if you don’t tell them anything about the contents.’ ... I reply, well, there are many good writers out there so they may not hang about if I scribble a proper write up, so what’s the difference. Now please could you get back to the cooking and cleaning.
The Darling Buds of June
Price: $2.99 USD. Words: 13,410. Language: English. Published: January 18, 2015. Categories: Fiction » Historical » Medieval
Don’t make the mistake of thinking that this is a story based in Shakespeare’s time, it isn’t.; there have been enough of those to render the subject boring. This is word caricature of one town in particular.
The Bible According to Monkey Joe
Price: $4.99 USD. Words: 25,560. Language: English. Published: August 17, 2014. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » Satire
As Editor of Sinner’s Monthly Magazine, I can say that this is a decent sin, a fine demonstration of the noble art of bLAUGHSphemy. The idea of making fun of the Bible to upset the Devil is a good idea and I think this is definitely in the bull’s eye. This may rouse the beast from Revelations, the one with the 666 on it’s head, which in turn may turn into something that will beat Godzilla.
Top Dollar Zombies
Price: $2.99 USD. Words: 10,280. Language: English. Published: July 26, 2014. Categories: Fiction » Horror » Undead
These three stories have some awful bits in them. The first one about the zombies has some good parts too, meaning good in the sense of ‘nice’, which is a bit of a change for zombies which tend to go around eating people alive. The second story which features cuckoos is what people might call human nature amplified, so is pretty horrible. The third is the dark the darker side of human nature.
Dead End
Series: Tales from the English Lake District. Price: $2.99 USD. Words: 7,000. Language: English. Published: July 20, 2014. Categories: Fiction » Horror » Weird fiction
The North West of England, off the main tourist trail of the Lake District, is a fairly quiet place, which is why some city people go there for weekends, to chill out. But, go to a country pub and if you can get talking to the locals, or a local who has stories to tell, you may be surprised at what you hear. I’m not talking stuff from the world’s biggest liar competition, this is more intimate.
P.o.r.e 4: Shopping for Mumbo Jumbo
Series: Wellbeing, Book 8. Price: $3.99 USD. Words: 8,820. Language: English. Published: July 10, 2014. Categories: Nonfiction » Health, wellbeing, & medicine » Healing
Shopping for Mumbo Jumbo? What that really means is, having an interesting time and even an amusing time shopping. That’s because wellbeing, or ‘mumbo jumbo’ really means, feeling good. That’s your purpose on earth, to come here on ‘holiday’ and have a good time. When we feel good, it’s called wellbeing (mumbo jumbo). So, come hear some shopping stories. It’s ok, they’re free.
The Story of The Black Grouse
Price: $2.99 USD. Words: 8,920. Language: English. Published: July 9, 2014. Categories: Fiction » Fantasy » General
The Black Grouse is an English hero in Scotland, helping out where the Scottish can’t, mainly due to their love of barley based refreshments. With his team, not only does the Grouse perform well at the Highland games, but also in his mission. The villains are English too, a right mad duo, but are sorted out by the grouse and his friends. The real villain is a Scot,
P.o.r.e. 2 & 3
Series: Wellbeing, Book 7. Price: $3.99 USD. Words: 16,680. Language: English. Published: July 4, 2014. Categories: Nonfiction » Health, wellbeing, & medicine » Mental health
PORE 2 looks at those annoying people, you know, those who are lucky.Everyone I’ve asked ‘believes’ in luck, but that’s the only word they have to describe that state of being. Luck must work a bit like gravity, PORE 3 looks at a couple of ideas regarding deforestation i.e. how to feel good and appreciate it, and more importantly ‘why’.
P.o.r.e. 1
Series: Wellbeing, Book 6. Price: $3.99 USD. Words: 9,450. Language: English. Published: June 5, 2014. Categories: Fiction » Inspirational
This is a little handbook on life, which isn’t packed with mumbo jumbo stuff. It won’t make you thin or rich or stop you a smoking, which is good because hospitals need patients, they’re their life’s blood (especially in haematology). The little widgy book logically supposes a few weirdo things and, contains some hyperbolic humour. The main logical question isn’t one that is usually asked in pubs.
A Little book of Mumagination
Series: Wellbeing, Book 3. Price: $1.49 USD. Words: 4,090. Language: English. Published: November 13, 2013. Categories: Fiction » Holiday » Family
This small book is designed to be read by mums. Hopefully if they like the short imaginative stories, they can then adapt the stories and tell them, in their own words to their child/children using the pictures.Goes hand in hand with Super Nature Imagination and Imagination City, Broken Toy and Thing hospital. Imagination is a powerful tool, nowadays used by sports and businesses alike. Introduci
Imagination City
Price: $1.49 USD. Words: 2,710. Language: English. Published: November 9, 2013. Categories: Fiction » Children’s books » Imagination & Play
I happen to enjoy finding broken and abandoned toys and things on the floor, picking them up, and giving them some time in my hospital before finding them somthing to do ... something which they enjoy. It’s a nice hospital. Very friendly, full of smiles when the patients feel a little better after they have had a rest after being rescued. It’s nice to go for a walk, find a sad face and know that
Bed, Knobs and Groom Tricks, Dubai
Series: Erotic Distractions. Price: $3.99 USD. Words: 6,040. Language: English. Published: November 7, 2013. Categories: Fiction » Erotica » Couples Erotica
You wouldn’t believe it, the toilet door is jammed again. I have nothing to do but wait until the locksmith arrives. Saying that, and idea comes to mind, so I take my notebook from the rear pocket of my diamond and ruby studded jeans and emerald encrusted belt ... and begin to write some erotica. This though is erotica with a difference, so avant garde you will need binoculars to see that garde.
Pineapple Pleasure 2 - Sleeping on The Job
Series: Erotic Distractions. Price: $3.99 USD. Words: 11,610. Language: English. Published: July 28, 2013. Categories: Fiction » Erotica » Gay Erotica
Carl, Tony and their little winged friend Super Fly get together again. This time they travel to lands far and distant in a flying ‘rig’ designed by Super Fly, to a secret lab where a fantastic scientific/electronics expert genius (you wouldn’t believe how he achieved that position) in a secret lab, helps them design the world’s greatest, revolutionary, ‘probably’ sex toy.
Four Tales of Awful Horror
Price: $2.99 USD. Words: 15,390. Language: English. Published: June 16, 2013. Categories: Fiction » Horror » Weird fiction
This is a respectful tribute to the recently passed British horror author, the great, the well loved James Herbert. The four short stories have been written down by Frankie who channels the souls of who were great unknown British horror writers, James Turbot and Stephen Cling. October-Aurora-Sunrise
The Gift of Dementia
Series: Wellbeing. Price: $4.99 USD. Words: 26,230. Language: English. Published: August 16, 2012. Categories: Nonfiction » Health, wellbeing, & medicine » Mental health
The people of the world plod along ... and plod along.People are conditioned into ways of life that don’t ‘work’, yet they keep on doing them and keep on doing them, but they don’t work, so they just keep on repeating them, but they don’t work so ... try again. And the same things happen, but we can’t fix them and neither can the people who we give our trust and hope to in order to fix them.
The Music of Your Life
Price: $2.99 USD. Words: 18,110. Language: English. Published: June 30, 2012. Categories: Nonfiction » Self-improvement » Confidence & self-esteem, Nonfiction » Health, wellbeing, & medicine » Women's health
For women only (men just don’t get it ... it isn’t soccer or baseball), Do you like your life? Do you know that everything in the Universe vibrates? Did you know that this means you live in an active musical symphony? Did you know that you are a musician in this symphony? Did you know that the music you produce attracts your reality (part of the symphony)?.Read all about it!(I shouted that).
The Parallelogames
Series: Fun and Fantasy, Book 17. Price: $2.99 USD. Words: 10,600. Language: English. Published: March 10, 2012. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » General
It’s 2012! It’s time for the Olympics! Ah but! On an earth ‘twin’ planet, in a parallel Universe, they have a little extra. Someone came up with the bright idea of having Fringe Olympics i.e. various sports here and there which do not, for one reason or another, get to be part of the main events. What the Olympics do for seriousness, the Fringe Games do for ‘fun’. Enter the portal, and enjoy th
Absurd Tales from the NHS
Price: $3.99 USD. Words: 20,720. Language: English. Published: January 18, 2012. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » Black comedy
The NHS in Britain is in crisis, so this should be an interesting read for those who like hospital dramas. I'm an outsider, but the people from the NHS who have read it have said ... "Too close for comfort." Some from other walks of life have said ... "Well that sounds about true."
The Little Pink Well Being Bible (For Women Only)
Series: Wellbeing, Book 1. Price: $4.99 USD. Words: 11,450. Language: English. Published: January 14, 2012. Categories: Nonfiction » Self-improvement » Confidence & self-esteem
This offering is ‘how to remember you’re a special woman’. All woman are special, they just don’t realise it. Women populate the earth. Men impregnate them, but, that isn’t necessary; the Bible tells us that, twice at least (if you choose to believe that). So, men are there to lift heavy weights and move stuff. This handbook is therefore for women and their children. It consists of some useful wisdom, and some great reasons why you should all have massive, female, self-appreciation.
Satan's Advocate
Price: $3.99 USD. Words: 6,840. Language: English. Published: December 24, 2011. Categories: Fiction » Horror » Occult
Satan’s not a bad guy, it’s what he feeds on that’s the problem for humans. Humans though are so entrenched with beliefs that have been fed to them (and boy do they believe ‘anything’), that Satan appears to be the ultimate bad guy. What though if Satan is neutral, and just likes eating? What if the food supply is a non phys ...
Tits Up
Series: Fun and Fantasy, Book 14. Price: $2.99 USD. Words: 16,430. Language: English. Published: December 20, 2011. Categories: Nonfiction » Science & Nature » Environment
Quiet self time is liquid gold time, it is so very precious. No quiet time, and noise prevails inside the human, and that’s the invite to madness, and in many cases, the doorway to the world of therapy. It’s not enough for sleep to be the only escape from an increasingly insane world. Silence is golden. Silence is our true nature.
The Hell-Raising Rock and Roll Adventures of Alice Pooper and Iggy Popsicle
Series: Fun and Fantasy, Book 11. Price: $2.99 USD. Words: 14,590. Language: English. Published: December 2, 2011. Categories: Fiction » Holiday » Adventure
Can two rag dolls of rock gods Alice Pooper and Iggy Popsicle help save the world? Can the two of them persuade governments to stop the rot? We shall see. Rock On Man! Rather controvertial book! For some folk that is.
The Cleaning Lady and The Crystal Bell
Price: $2.99 USD. Words: 14,940. Language: English. Published: November 23, 2011. Categories: Fiction » Fantasy » Contemporary
Most people work hard, which in most cases is an activity they don’t ‘choose’, to get money to do an activity they do choose, such as a holiday, or a Johnny Robinson Concert (Johnny Robinson Rocks!). Work is seen as a necessity, which most people do grudgingly, but they still do it to the best of their abilities if only to avoid a rollocking, or the sack?
Oh, I do like to be beside the sea-side
Series: Fun and Fantasy, Book 6. Price: $2.99 USD. Words: 9,180. Language: English. Published: October 4, 2011. Categories: Fiction » Holiday » Humorous
A lot of people think that people in mental health asylums are there because they have gone mad for some reason, and are therefore locked up to keep them out of so called ‘normal society'. That isn’t quite right; they are there because normal society has driven them mad, and they are actually just downsizing.
Good Friends
Price: $2.99 USD. Words: 2,970. Language: English. Published: April 22, 2011. Categories: Fiction » Children’s books » Animals
(5.00 from 1 review)
A young giraffe and his mother get parted in a wood full of juicy fruit trees.