Austin Malcome


I live in a small town in Illinois with my awesome wife (who tolerates me) and her evil cat (who does not.) I drink more coffee than any human being ever should. I enjoy tabletop RPG's, instant ramen, and weird books.

Smashwords Interview

When you're not writing, how do you spend your time?
I'm a very simple person. I visit my local library on a daily basis. I hang out with my wife and my little brother. We play tabletop RPG's. I like to cook. I'm just a very boring homebody.
What inspires you to get out of bed each day?
Work. It took me a very long time to decide what I wanted to do with my life, and I have a lot of lost time to make up for.
Read more of this interview.

Where to find Austin Malcome online


Chocolate Flarm
Chocolate Flarm, the legendary deranged talking cheese, haunts the minds and sexual fantasies of people around the world. These are the true stories of Chocolate Flarm. Accept no substitutes.

Chocolate Flarm

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Roger Stories
Here are some things made of words. You want to read them, don't you? Well don't. These books are carefully crafted spells of the blackest magic. Seemingly innocuous words are placed strategically in the text of these stories, in such a way that reading them will slowly unlock dark and ancient places in your mind, places where demons dance and frolic while roasting marshmallows naked. (Not really. These are just Roger Stories.)

A Tiny Book of Roger Stories

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More Roger Stories

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Widdle Bits of Woger

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Dr. Bloch's Great Momentosphere: The Continuing Adventures
"Dr. Bloch's Great Momentosphere" is an ongoing serial, written in the grand tradition of pulp sci-fi magazines. Dr. Sheridan Bloch and Lt Beecher Skotte find themselves lost, moving unpredictably through time, space, and realities. Their home, the Great Momentosphere, is a masterpiece of engineering-but where will it exit next? A little steampunk, a lot of sci-fi, and plenty of adventure. Stay tuned for the next episode, and remember-Move Towards The Exit!


Detective Police: Nudest Squad Case #0069: "Kummy Faceman"
You set the price! Words: 4,500. Language: English. Published: December 3, 2018. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » General
CASEFILE #0069 CRIMINAL: KUMMY FACEMAN. The brave naked detective police of the elite Nudest Squad must stop a bad Russian crime boss person from doing evil Russia stuff. The stakes are high and the outlook is grim, but the Nudest Squad is here to save the day. They'll fight, they'll shoot, they'll do unnatural things with cream-based soups. Whatever it takes, these cops will get Kummy.
The Escapades of Urquhart Flomit Starring Emily, the Jumbo Sized Chub of Freshly Frozen Ground Beef slash Possible Yugoslavian Ice Caterpillar
You set the price! Words: 16,300. Language: English. Published: November 15, 2018. Categories: Fiction » Children’s books » Fiction
Urquhart Flomit has a mission: to incubate a rare Yugoslavian Ice Caterpillar, which may or may not be a giant wad of frozen ground beef covered with glitter. With the help of a used walrus salesman, Urquhart will fight talking mooses, meatball chefs, and lunatic zoo keepers.
Intangible Tales of Nothing
You set the price! Words: 7,320. Language: English. Published: November 2, 2018. Categories: Fiction » Anthologies » Short stories - single author
A man tattooed with spiders, a melted lump of VHS tapes, fat flamingos with enormous breasts and a talking stop sign are all standing around and waiting for you to find them in "Intangible Tales of Nothing."
Chocolate Flarm
Series: Chocolate Flarm. You set the price! Words: 9,170. Language: English. Published: March 7, 2018. Categories: Fiction » Erotica » Comedy/Humor, Fiction » Humor & comedy » Black comedy
An immature story with mature content. Cheeserotica (noun): a subgenre of erotic fiction involving sex with talking cheeses. Hipsters fight over tapas. A wandering enema salesman will ruin your day. Both of these sentences would be great in a fortune cookie, and both sentences describe the antics in this book. Explicit, absurd, hilarious and kind of gross--this is Chocolate Flarm.
7 Days of Psychic Self-Surgery
You set the price! Words: 11,060. Language: English. Published: January 15, 2018. Categories: Fiction » Horror » Weird fiction, Fiction » Humor & comedy » Black comedy
Storyteller Austin Malcome delivers a beautiful tale of hideous horrors in this weird countdown to Endsday. Dark, disturbing and delightfully bizarre, this is a story of deformation, demons, delusions, insubstantiality and the power of art.
Roger Has Episodes
Price: $1.99 USD. Words: 13,410. Language: English. Published: June 22, 2017. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » Black comedy, Fiction » Anthologies » Short stories - single author
Roger stories are Roger Stories, and that's all they are. This box set contains the first three books of Roger stories--that's twelve painful, mind breaking injections of absurd Roger-ness, distilled into one giant shot of Roger-icity.
Widdle Bits of Woger
Series: Roger Stories. You set the price! Words: 5,600. Language: English. Published: June 20, 2017. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » Black comedy, Fiction » Humor & comedy » Satire
Roger stories are Roger stories. See Roger try, see Roger die, see Roger in yourself. This is the third volume of brief absurd violent messy Roger stories.
More Roger Stories
Series: Roger Stories. You set the price! Words: 4,360. Language: English. Published: March 20, 2017. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » Black comedy, Fiction » Themes & motifs » Psychological
Here is an e-book. It's full of Roger Stories. Each Roger Story is a short collection of sentences. Each sentence is a short collection of words. Each word is made of letters. Letters are neat. There are five super-short stories here, and each story involves menthol cough drops.
I Love Big Butts, and Her Butt Was the Biggest: An American Love Story
You set the price! Words: 4,080. Language: English. Published: February 9, 2017. Categories: Fiction » Romance » Action/adventure, Fiction » Humor & comedy » Satire
(5.00 from 1 review)
What is love? Baby don't hurt me. It's a story as old as humanity: boy meets girl, boy scrubs pigeon crap out of girl's toes, girl runs away to Mexico.
Dr. Bloch's Great Momentosphere Episode #3
Series: Dr. Bloch's Great Momentosphere: The Continuing Adventures. You set the price! Words: 6,250. Language: English. Published: February 5, 2017. Categories: Fiction » Science fiction » Adventure, Fiction » Science fiction » Steampunk & retropunk
(5.00 from 1 review)
Strange things are afoot aboard the Great Momentosphere. During a prolonged stay in the Void, Beecher Skotte begins to see impossible things. Is he hallucinating? What has happened to Dr. Bloch? And who is the mysterious floating man?
Dr. Bloch's Great Momentosphere Episode #2
Series: Dr. Bloch's Great Momentosphere: The Continuing Adventures. You set the price! Words: 8,600. Language: English. Published: January 28, 2017. Categories: Fiction » Science fiction » Steampunk & retropunk, Fiction » Adventure » General
(5.00 from 1 review)
The Great Momentosphere is a fantastic space-time vehicle. Unfortunately, it's destination cannot be predicted or controlled. Where will Dr. Bloch and Lt. Skotte wind up next? "Dr. Bloch's Great Momentosphere" is a fun, free-wheeling series in the style of the grand old pulp magazines. Move towards the Exit!
The Unobservant Trucker
Price: Free! Words: 2,030. Language: English. Published: January 2, 2017. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » Satire
This super-short story is about nothing and has no meaning. There is some business about a semi truck and Rush Limbaugh.
A Tiny Book of Roger Stories
Series: Roger Stories. You set the price! Words: 3,710. Language: English. Published: December 13, 2016. Categories: Fiction » Themes & motifs » Psychological, Fiction » Humor & comedy » Black comedy
This short collection of four Roger Stories is an e-book. Download it now, so that it can sit on your device and clutter it up for awhile, and then some day you'll read it and be like, "What?" Roger Stories are Roger Stories, and that is that.
Dr. Bloch's Great Momentosphere Episode #1
Series: Dr. Bloch's Great Momentosphere: The Continuing Adventures. You set the price! Words: 12,670. Language: English. Published: November 19, 2016. Categories: Fiction » Science fiction » Adventure
(5.00 from 2 reviews)
Determined to find the man who designed his clockwork prostethis, Lt. Beecher Skotte journeys deep into the remote mountains of Asia. However, his pursuit of the genius inventor Dr. Sheridan Bloch will change the course of his life forever.
The Noo Advenshurs of Tom Thumb
You set the price! Words: 26,550. Language: English. Published: May 13, 2016. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » Black comedy, Fiction » Fantasy » Contemporary
(5.00 from 1 review)
Tom Thumb is eighteen years old, three inches tall, and in trouble. This modern take on the classic fairy tale takes Tom Thumb into a surrealistic dystopia known only as 'the City.' He'll need all of his wits, a lot of luck, and the help of some strange companions to survive. Bizarre, unnerving, and unforgettable, The Noo Advenshurs of Tom Thumb is a classic fairy tale, updated for a cynical age.

Austin Malcome's tag cloud

abstract    absurd    absurdist    adventure    aliens    angela    animals    art    baby    bizarre    bizarro    bizarro humour    blood    box set    buddhism    cab    clockwork    collection    crack    deformity    demons    depression    donuts    drama crime    enema    existence    experimental    fairy tale    fear    fun    funny    ghosts    gore    gorilla    guns    helicopter    hitchhiker    homeless    horror    humour    humphrey bogart    insanity    latino    liberty    love    madness    marilyn monroe    mexico    micro fiction    monster    murder    mythology    naked    panda bear    police    police cops    police squad    pulp    reality    roger    roger stories    romance    satire    scientist    scifi    semen    short    silly    songs    space    splatter    splatterpunk    steampunk    surreal    surrealistic    talking cheese    testicles    time travel    tit    tom thumb    trucks    trump    valentine    vhs    victorian    wall    weird   

Austin Malcome's favorite authors on Smashwords

Smashwords book reviews by Austin Malcome

  • Open Office: Through The Meatgrinder on May 12, 2016

    What can I say? This book is a life saver. It's a gospel,a Bible for Open Office disciples. Without this guide, I would still be sweating over my digital files. This guide was easy to use and understand. The author is personable and friendly, and his sense of humor and personality really come through here. Thia is a simple no-nonsense guide to formatting and publishing on Smashwords, but it's more than that. This guide taught me alot about Open Office. It's a tutorial, a class in Open Office for beginners, with bonus lessons in e-book formatting. I can't say enough great things about this book. It's a must download.
  • Eden on May 14, 2016

    This is the kind of story I like; it's visceral and fearless. There are more original ideas in the first two pages than most books have between both covers. I was very pleasantly surprised. This is a professional work by a very talented author.
  • Santzilla on May 15, 2016

    I like this book. The illustrations alone make this worth downloading.
  • Lies of the Old World on Feb. 28, 2017

    Mr. Sawyer's books are fairly consistent: they are always based upon interesting concepts, and set in interesting places. "Lies of the Old World" is no exception. It could almost be the script for a film or video game. I enjoyed it. The ending was a bit abrupt, but perhaps that speaks to the strength of the story-I wasn't ready for it to end.
  • Swallowed by a Space Worm on Feb. 28, 2017

    How would you describe Captain Roy Gardner? Certainly, comparisons could be made with Futurama's Zap Brannigan, but author Brett Sawyer's space captain is smarter, and more interesting. Roy Gardner is no Captain Kirk, either-Kirk can afford a toupee. This is a fun, humorous jaunt through space. It left me wanting a bumper sticker: "My other car is the Zeta."
  • Arse Rot on March 01, 2017

    This is a book. There are words in it.
  • The Trial of Mr Splish Splosh and Other Short Bizarro Stories on Nov. 15, 2018

    I like this book too much. I want to consume it and become it and live inside of it like a man in a gingerbread house on Christmas morning in Utah. It's that good. I really like the format; it's like a manic internal monologue. Thoughts and bits of prose burst and bloom and die again and again. Really decent stuff, highly recommended.