1. What inspired you to write about ‘parenthood’ as you did in "The Wisdom of Parenthood"?
As a father of three, I felt the need to articulate my views on what it means to be a parent to my children—to give them something that would not only allow them to better understand me as their father, but that would also be something they could turn to for inspiration and guidance should they ever choose to and be fortunate enough to become parents themselves. Laying out what I take to be the essence of parenthood—irrespective of how our children come to us, of how we become parents—was particularly important to me in light of my experience as both a biological and an adoptive parent confronted with our society’s deep-seated—if not always overtly expressed—bias in favor of biological parenthood as the only real kind parenthood.
2. How did this book come about?
Although we live in a world where, as Carlos Ball has aptly noted, “there are tens of thousands of children born every year ... who are not biologically related to all the adults who intend to be their parents, and who will actually function as such,” many among us continue to hold the view that true parenthood implies a mother and a father who conceive and, ideally, raise their offspring. Other forms of parenthood frequently find themselves tacitly relegated to second place. That this view of parenthood is still widely held becomes palpably evident in situations where parenthood would appear to go into crisis or is perceived to be failing: Think of all the situations in which you have heard of children and parents not getting along, or parents being at a loss as to how to deal with their children’s problems, troubles, or special needs, and someone will say, “no wonder—he is adopted!,” or “it’s not really their child, they had a donor!” Think of all the times you have heard someone marvel at or doubt the possibility of really loving a child that is not one’s “own flesh and blood.” Thus, I have frequently been given to understand by friends, family, and acquaintances that it is truly noble of me to have taken on another’s “flesh and blood” and to have been such an engaged and doting father to my adopted sons, while I have had no such comments on my relationship with my biological son—it being ostensibly assumed that I naturally and ineluctably love and care for my “own flesh and blood,” while merely having shouldered the morally commendable burden of raising another’s.
Thinking through these issues, I realized that I had something to offer to all parents, above and beyond my initial desire to primarily address my three sons—something that would allow any parent to re-conceive his or her role as a parent as well as the very meaning of parenthood in a more inclusive and non-prejudicial manner that would bring into sharp relief what all parenthood has in common, rather than distinguishing between classes of parenthood.
Read more of this interview.