Simon Alkenmayer is a monster. What kind? The only kind that’s real. Which somewhat complicates any biography. He has lived all over Europe and North America throughout the centuries, dividing his time between making fortunes, telling fortunes, and being a soldier of fortune. Currently settled somewhere in the Pacific Northwest, he owns or invests in everything from scientific research to small local businesses. In addition to running his social media experiment into how humans parse reality from fiction, he collects antiques which he restores, writes recipes that may or may not contain human flesh, and tries to avoid being driven from his home by a mob of angry townspeople. He enjoys engaging with the gentle readers, music, film, fashion, and of course, food.
I am a monster. You ask what kind, but I will leave that to you, gentle reader. This compilation of stories and recipes came about because of your questions and desires. I offer it so that you may discover who I was before I became Simon—this humble ghoul who begs your pardon, and is most grateful for your participation. Be cautious. You wouldn’t want to bite off more than you can chew.
I am a monster. You ask what kind, but I will leave that to you, gentle reader. In this Snack, I answer the riddle of how I obtained the largest scar on my body. It was deep in the Middle Ages of a newly reformed France during its raging Hundred Years War with England, and it began on a dark and stormy night.
I am a monster. No, I do not “think” I am a monster. I do not “pretend” to be a monster. I am one. And yes, I do consume human flesh, but only because it is a dietary restriction from hell, I assure you. Welcome to the second volume of my diary and recipe guide. Whether or not you believe in monsters, may you never go hungry.
I am a monster. The kind that eats people. Yes, we are real, but do feel free to doubt me — your doubt stocks my freezer. In the strictest sense, I’m a humanitarian. Welcome to my diary — where modern skepticism has enabled me to divulge my secrets and my recipes.