Hobbe Noxious


Have you ever met a person in a seedy dive-bar, who instantly, and without necessary extended interaction, completely and perfectly summed up the phrase "morally contemptable, sacrilegious reprobate"? Or maybe just illicited a muffled "the cad" from uncooperative lips? Well, if you're ever in the South Carolina area and feel the desire for this oft-unappreciated experience, do some pub crawling and look for the unusually tall fellow with shark's teeth, typically found with his back to a wall. Tell him "Large Marge sent ya", buy him a drink, and bask away.


This member has not published any books.

Smashwords book reviews by Hobbe Noxious

  • Tired of Death - Dungeon on April 14, 2015

    Thoroughly enjoyable read. Very tongue-in-cheek throughout, and pleasantly gory at times. Reminds me a bit of the Goblin series by Jim C. Hines (which I also highly suggest to anyone who enjoys seeing things from a dungeon monster's point of view). Here's to hoping Dreth stays evil!
  • Rag Doll on April 15, 2015

    Cute, short read. Reminds me of something from Nick at Night, like "Are You Afraid of The Dark?", or maybe "Goosebumps". Not exactly scary, so much as scary-themed. The only criticism I have is that the pacing and wording was awkward, at times. Three out of ten; would recommend to my kids. If I had any.
  • Sick Summer Camp (Something Horrific) on April 15, 2015

    If you enjoy a little bit of gore, then this one's for you. Short, but sweet, and completely unexpected finale. Just as my interest was piqued, you end it! Sadistic! I would love to see more from this world.
  • Midnight Ghost on April 16, 2015

    Absolutely beautiful artwork. The story itself reminded me of my childhood; of browsing the school library and finding a book called "Scary Stories To Tell In The Dark", flipping through the pages and the drawings therein fully capturing my morbid curiousity. The short story would feel at home within those same pages.
  • Pumpkin Flesh on April 16, 2015

    Excellent descriptions, leading to easy visualization. I was a bit disappointed by the ending, however. Very abrupt, to the point it was almost startling. "Where's the rest"? you're left muttering to yourself.
  • Madness Under The Tracks on April 16, 2015

    Utterly fantastic. Gritty, greasy and realistic. A worthy Lovecraft homage if I have ever read one. If you enjoy a steadily mounting crescendo of horror and hopelessness, this short tale may indeed be what you're looking for.
  • Return to Mech City on April 21, 2015

    Not at all what I was expecting, and that's a good thing. At times, it felt like a post apocalyptic Hobbit; the main character going on a most unexpected journey. At others, it almost felt as if it would be at home in school textbook, as an outlandish example of the pitfalls, and road-paved-with-good-intentions path to facism. Somewhere, where the two meet, arises a most enjoyable read. Long live Winston!
  • Odd Whitefeather on April 21, 2015

    I absolutely adored this. It felt akin to the old Native American folktales I would read about as a child, magically brought forth into the modern age, large as life and twice as real.
  • The Pariahs on May 05, 2015

    An excellent addition to the sword and sorcery genre. These two half-breed mercenaries would be right at home at the local tavern, telling tall tales, and drinking tall ales, sitting right next to some of the greats. Though Gotrek and Felix might have a few pointers they could teach them about not sleeping with your work associates...
  • The Hero's Chamber on May 06, 2015

    I find myself torn about this story. While well written, and based on an excellent concept, it just... falls flat. Specifically, the last forty pages or so, feel like everyone's just patting themselves on the back repeatedly. And while the book boasts "no gratuitous violence, foul language or nightmarish scenes", there's also no real conflict. No adversaries. The landscape itself is the only thing that really stands in our adverturer's way, and even that puts up little fight in the end. All in all, after reading all the glowing reviews, and getting excited to find something truly excellent on Smashwords, I walk away feeling cheated.
  • Exmortus on May 11, 2015

    Incredible. Well-written, gripping, dark, gritty and above all else, real. It feels like pages torn out of a first-person account of someone's life, and you're left wondering how your history teacher missed the chapter concerning the demons. And to think, I found this book on Smashwords, at work, for free. Why this isn't the number one slot, in the epic fantasy catagory, I have no idea.
  • The Fight On Halloween Night: A Short Story on May 11, 2015

    A cute, quick read, professing the dangers of not dressing up on Halloween. I would have especially loved this as a child, but can still respect it for what it is now.
  • Feedback on May 11, 2015

    That was actually quite beautiful. Not a terribly surprising turn of events, if you're familiar with Egyptian mythology, but that ending, ooh... that's where things really came together. Loved it.
  • Things that Go Bump in the Night on May 12, 2015

    An interesting tale of misplaced loyalty with a side of... forgetfulness, perhaps. A cautionary tale, geared toward night creatures everywhere. The dialogue was delicious, however. One could practically taste the brogue.
  • Introit- Black Dog on May 12, 2015

    Like supernatural detectives? Similar to Jim Butcher's Harry Dresden? Enjoy a main character who has a wry sense of humour, a realistically adaptable nature, and always seems to have bad luck plop in his lap? Then this is relevant to your interests. Dig in!
  • Betrayal on May 13, 2015

    A good read, though some flaws remain consistent throughout, and wear on the reader over time: The main character, despite being over seventy years old, acts more like a naive fourteen year old, who is still uncomfortable with his place in the world. He is constantly surprised by situations, unprepared for events, and acts toward his "summonlings" as if he's only just acquired them. His wide-eyed, brand-new-world outlook on life would be better suited toward an origin story. He simply does not come accross as a believable, worldy individual. He scoffs milk and cookies and acts like a petulant child. All that being said, don't get me wrong, this is still a good story. Rough around the edges, fairly straight forward, and with few surprises, but still entertaining, and worth reading. If you can look past some of that roughness, I think you'll be like me: empathizing mostly with the drunk little leprechaun, and just enjoying the ride.
  • Come All Ye Who Are Heavily Cumbered on May 14, 2015

    Did not help me at all with my status ailment. Am trying to get to Riverwood to sell some things, and refuse to drop my dragon bones. Had hoped for potion advice, instead found quotation and references, mostly suggesting my need for luxuries unnecessary. Useless.
  • Fucked (well and truly) on May 14, 2015

    Low effort, low-brow, and should be pretty low on your list of things to read. While I myself curse heavily, uncontrollably, and on a daily basis, the author used obsceneties like a veritable crutch in this particular story. One should use "fuck" as a seasoning, and sprinkle it sparringly over one's works. Not bread your book in fuck, deep fry it in hot fuck-oil, and cover it in a fuck-cheese sauce. Otherwise all you've got left sitting on your plate is a big, greasy, pile of nasty fuck. And ain't nobody gonna dig into that.
  • Tom Meets the Devil on May 19, 2015

    Oh my, an honest-to-goodness fable. They certainly don't make these like they used to. The man at the crossroads with the fiddle, the wolf in the woods, the fairy that offers you a fortune for a small favour. The boogieman. The stanger. An excellent rendition, with just enough detail and flavour to make it feel new.
  • Cold Stairs on May 19, 2015

    Less horror, and more like a realistic recounting of a paranormal encounter, like one would see on one of those "Ghost Hunter" shows on the Sci-Fi channel. It has a strong beginning, but a weak end. Everything is resolved and over with before you even realize it.
  • The Halloween Hanging (Urban Legend) on May 19, 2015

    I'm going to be honest here: This is really bad. There's honestly no other way to put it. This has got to be one of the most poorly written stories I have yet to find on Smashwords (and believe me, I've been looking). We've got it all: Stiff, unrealistic dialogue, little to no detail about the surroundings, or the characters themselves, shoddy punctuation and grammar... and honestly? I was waiting for the end of the story to be "BUT WHO WAS PHONE?", as this thing would be much better suited as a creepypasta submission. Or maybe one of those silly little comic books churches give out. What are they called? Chick Tracts? "If only little Damon had believed in Jesus, he would never have hung himself"! More detail. What does Damon look like? The trick or treaters who first spot his body, what costumes were they wearing? Was there a smell of burning leaves in the air? The sound of wind through the trees? Was the sun still up? Paint me a picture!
  • Humans Can Lick, Too (Urban Legend) on May 19, 2015

    With nothing better to do, I've decided to have a Drac Von Stoller marathon. I'm reading his stories in no sort of order, and this will now be my second foray into his library of the Slightly Spooky. Come join me on this magical carpet ride! Unfortunately, this particular story is more of what I'm quickly becoming used to. No real descriptions. No back-story. Nothing. Drac seems to have an unfortunate issue with patience, and focus. Rather than going into any real, significant detail, he rushes right in, like a child giving you a play-by-play of his day at school. "Mrs. Studebaker came into the room, and everyone laughed. Then we all stabbed her. Then we drank juice". Which doesn't really cut it in the literary world.
  • Chainsaw on May 19, 2015

    I must admit, I am a little impressed. Drac Von Stoller actually described some scenery in this particular short story. I was not wandering through a dark hallway, proverbially feeling my way through the story! Well. Not the entire time, at least. Although I was a little disgusted, too, to be quite honest. They didn't cook any of the flesh before eating it? Eugh. At least slap some barbecue sauce on them ladyfingers, you cretins.
  • Killer Dummy on May 19, 2015

    First and foremost: Drac Von Stoller still needs a major refresher course in descriptive writing. Everyone is a blank-faced mannequin, blindly stumbling from empty room, to empty room, with nothing but our narrator to differentiate. This lump of meat is Bob. But! If you remove this nametage... voila! Now he's Ted! Not once do we ever find out what the dummy looks like. Or Bob. Or Ted. Or why Bob couldn't afford a doll until he was fifty. Why do I keep reading your stories??! Aside from that, the dialogue was a little bit more fluid than as per usual. Point for that, Drac.
  • Dead Body Under The Mattress (Urban Legend) on May 19, 2015

    Do you remember that anthology movie? "Four Rooms"? The one with Madonna, back when she was still hot. Now, do you remember the one story, called "The Misbehavers"? That was great, right? Dead hooker, screaming children, fire, dirty needle, the whole nine yards. Hilarious. Yeah. Go watch that, instead of this. Another Drac Von Stoller classic right here. Low on effort, empty of worthwhile detail. And while I love your spooky themes, man, you just plain need to work on your craft.
  • Drac Von Stoller Has Risen From The Grave on May 19, 2015

    Never have I ever willing subjected myself to fanfiction... actually written by someone about themselves. Bizarre. But now my follow-up questions: What are Drac Von Stoller's powers? They're referenced multiple times, but never described. Who would win? Drac Von Stoller, or The Monster Squad? Is Drac Von Stoller coffin shaped car, also coffin-sized? What does Drac Von Stoller even look like? All I could picture throughout, was Nicolas Cage in a cape. Speaking of: What does Drac Von Stoller dress like? All that's referenced is his cape. Does he even wear clothes? Or is he some sort of nudist vampire? Awkward.
  • Twas The Bite Before Christmas on May 19, 2015

    A story filled with withered possibility. Paths contained within, all with brightly coloured neon signs, pointing the way to greatness.... all passed by, in favour of the muddy road leading to disappointment. If you think about it, who would be the ultimate vampire? Santa Claus. A man able to essentially stop time, so he can travel the globe, to reach every house in one night. He could create endless night with the blink of an eye... and yet, in this story, he somehow forgets whose house he just landed on top of? On top of all that, the whole story ends up feeling like a poor imitation of A Nightmare Before Christmas. No sir, I don't like it.
  • Ghost Mansion on May 19, 2015

    No flow to the story whatsoever. One minute the two main characters are alone, the next, they suddenly have children waiting for them in the car. One moment they're walking to the mansion's study, the next they've apparently already signed paperwork. There is absolutely no transition. I have said it before, and I will say it again: there are no descriptions to be found here. It is all well and good to leave some things to the imagination, but whole swathes of text leave all the work to the reader. What does the man in black look like? A stick figure wearing a tux?
  • Goblintown Justice on May 19, 2015

    A fully developed world, with tough-as-nails characters, a significantly seedy underbelly, morally corrupt heroes, and dirty cops; those dirty cops just happen to be elves, those corrupt heroes use wands, and that seedy underbelly contains more goblins and kobolds than you can shake a stick at. Read this, and be prepared to be left wanting more.
  • Memory of Flesh on May 19, 2015

    Enjoyable little allegory life.
  • Greed I - DEMO on May 19, 2015

    Poorly formatted, full of troublesome grammar, and run-on sentences. And as this is supposedly a preview for the full-length book, I was not left wanting more.
  • They Use to Exist on May 20, 2015

    A new low for our favourite author, Drac Von Stoller. The very title of the story itself is misspelled. I'm impressed by this more than anything else. "They USED to Exist". Tch. This only further supports my theory that Drac Von Stoller is, contrary to what his profile states, actually about twelve years old. Now for the run-down: Poor execution, uninspired story, and sub-par formatting, spelling, and grammar. The usual M.O. However! This may be the first instance of Drac actually making the effort to give someone a physical description. Spoiler: Dan's wife has blue eyes!
  • The Curse of the Mummy's Tomb on May 20, 2015

    You know, Drac, I really don't mean to harp on you. I've lost count of how many of your stories I've made my way through at this point. I'm like a plumber wading through the basement of the local frat house, after an unfortunate accident involving a cantaloup and the community toilet: My face grim, but my goal clear. "I've got a job to do", I rasp. I do actually appreciate your penchant for the spooky, and hope that you can cut through my callous remarks and find the nuggets of truth floating about my now soiled boots. In this particular case, I did find a bit of hilarity floating through the refuse. And I quote: "Look there's some kind of I guess you would call hieroglyphics, but since none of us can decipher the writings it probably doesn't mean that much anyway. It's not like he is a famous king like King Tut." Hah.
  • The Scariest Halloween Attraction Ever on May 20, 2015

    Here's the good: contained within, there are a few more details than one usually finds in a Drac story. And the bad: We'll still never know what Henry Adams looks like. What his victims looked like. How he suddenly acquired a hearse. How he learned to make a bomb. How he broke into a morgue. Nothin'. As usual, the whole shebang comes accross as a grocery list, more than it does a coherent story.
  • Be Bold: Complete on May 20, 2015

    Message muddled, and suggests unhealthy habits. This is especially deplorable, as text seems targeted toward impressionable children. Text suggests talking to yourself on a daily basis, as opposed to regular conversation with peers. Use of the word "him" also extremely repetative. Would not recommend.
  • The Night of the Bloody Dead on May 20, 2015

    Horrible. A laughable plot, a story so short that it could be a summary for a book, and characters who not only lack personalities, but don't even have names. "My one act of defiance... to not properly put this barrel away! Ha HA!" -The Disgruntled Employee "Hey, you know what would be fun, guys? POISONING THE ENTIRE TOWN!" -The Party Teen "Yeah! Woo! Radical!" -The Other Party Teens
  • The Night It Rained Hell on May 20, 2015

    It's day two, of my unending suffering. Or, as I like to call it: My Drac Von Stoller Marathon. I don't even know what I'm reading here anymore. I feel almost as if Drac has accidentally published an entire library of story concepts, rather than full-fledged stories. That would make so much sense! It's all one big mistake! He grabbed the wrong flash drive, and just... But no. That would be too easy, and I have committed to this, and will not take the easy way out. The coward's way out. No excuses. This is simply a terrible, empty, lifeless, shell of a tale. A sketch. A mockery. To all those who consider clicking that link, and stepping over the threshhold to the quagmire that is Drac's writing.... just remember. I warned you. These will be two minutes of your life you will never get back.
  • The Legend of Jesse Wells on May 20, 2015

    You know what I have to say about this one? Not terrible. The use of the word "britches" was a nice, time-period-accurate touch. The formatting, grammar, and spelling seemed a little better than normal. As usual, though, a complete and utter lack of details detracted from any other positive thing I might say about this story. Why not describe the horrible, hagrid look on the severed head of Jesse's face? Why not tell me if there was a lingering odour after Jesse shot that man in the head? Did Jesse use him as a footrest? Were the saloon floors dusty and disheveled; the blood soaking into them like a sponge? Paint me that freakin' picture!
  • The Edge of Death on May 20, 2015

    No natural flow. Within the first two paragraphs, we go from being born, being sent to a foster home, to going to school, and never really fiting in. I'm not asking for every moment of his life to be recounted, but come on. I'm still left trying to figure out the level of commitment his foster mother and father actually had, to "prank" him by pretending to be in a domestically abusive relationship. Would love to see this on America's Funniest Videos.
  • The Blinddust Collection on May 21, 2015

    Thoroughly enjoyable. As the previous reviewer stated, it is in need of some more editing, but aside from that small gripe, the stories themselves are quite entertaining and diverse.
  • The Truth about Faeries on May 21, 2015

    Very enjoyable. A throwback to the original stories of the Fair Folk, which rarely ended well for the humans involved. This one has a bit of a "Tales From The Crypt" flavour to it, too, with our good humoured host giving us a nice little run-down after each tale. I would have loved to have gotten monthly, illustrated installements of this as a child.
  • The Legend of the Headless Woman on May 21, 2015

    It's day three of my Drac Von Stoller marathon, and I find myself rapidly losing steam. Drac Von Stoller's writing consistently reads like a trash can tumbling down a steep hill: Obnoxious. Repetitive. And completely without art or subtetly. This particular story is no exception.
  • Timmy the Memory Hunter on May 26, 2015

    Interesting. Like "Trainspotting" meets Gibson. The spelling, grammar and formatting begin to degrade toward the end, however. Almost as if the author lost more interest in the story the longer he typed it out. This theory is further supported by the abrupt ending. The inconsistent censorship bothered me, too, for some reason. All in all, a good read, but it leaves you feeling incomplete. Like one character's viewpoint of a story much larger than himself.
  • Blood Work on June 01, 2015

    This one was particularly difficult to review. On the one hand, the grammar, spelling, and flow are all most excellent. The characters feel alive, the world itself feels fully realized, and the combination thereof makes it easy to feel the dirt crunch under your feet as you walk with Matt Hawkins on his journey. On the other hand.... it just gets so heavy-handed at times, that you get an absolutely overwhelming urge to to roll your eyes. Matt's hero complex, specifically, ends up especially grating by page two hundred-or-so. Instead of being a hard-boiled, super secret paranormal investigator, he slowly turns into an emo kid's wet dream. A male "Mary Sue", basically. Is there a term for that? A tall, dark, overpowered man with a nice car, an almost-mansion, a bit of a temper, and a tragic past. His interactions with the female characters are especially distracting. **Mild spoiler follows**: How one goes from lusting/obsessing over the lead singer of the local band, to keeping her as a pet, and finally considering her more of a daughter than anything else.... I'm still a bit confused about. In any case, it's great for Smashwords, but if you're looking for something with more substance, check out Jim Butcher's "Dresden Files". (The books, not the terrible show.)
  • Wiggly the Worm on June 01, 2015

    Let's face it: children's stories just aren't what they used to be. Grimm's Fairy Tales quality stuff just doesn't cut the mustard by most parent's standards, and has been almost completely replaced with utter fluff. While still a bit on the... fluffy side, this particular selection of short stories has a little bit of heart to it. The artwork is also nice and crisp. Special respect for Snarky Snail's back-story, and not shying away from a real life issue, too.
  • Nobody's Cat (An Ode to a Stray Cat) on June 01, 2015

    Spay and neuter your animals, folks. A sad, but far too common story unfolds above.
  • The Star Creature on June 01, 2015

    I really enjoyed this story. For how few words it is, it manages to fit in an amazing amount of detail, all while feeling completely organic.
  • His Robot Girlfriend on June 02, 2015

    Unsure of how I found this story, or why I even started reading it in the first place, I feel I must now complete the process with a review. This is my burden. Self-fanfiction. Going by the author's photo, and day job, that is the only way I can adequately describe what you are getting when you open up "His Robot Girlfriend". However, even as fanfiction goes, it's a bit on the unimaginative side. The story trudges along at a snail's pace, and the author spends the majority of his word-count describing the robot's various clothing choices. It's labeled as "adult", but even there it falls short. I'll save you some time, and include the best part of the book, hands down. “Good. I’m glad. And I have a job for you.” “What kind of a job, Mike?” She placed the tip of her index finger on her chin. “A sexual job?” “Precisely,” said Mike. “I don’t care how big of a nerd this makes me. I want to get blown on Deep Space Nine.”
  • A Hero Is on June 02, 2015

    Aside from demonizing capitalism, and making those who don't have fathers feel pretty crappy about life in general, it wasn't bad. Would love to see the little mad scientist kid switch teams for the eagerly awaited sequel: "A Villain Is Better".
  • The Ugliness of Beauty on June 02, 2015

    Woo. This one is a doozy. At first, I thought the story to be an analogy for high school: if you're not beautiful, or cool, you'll be socially ostracized. Effectively dead to the world. Then, I thought, maybe this is a tale highlighting the benefits of revolution. Of going against the flow, and not blindly obeying little things like laws, when they obviously make no sense. Finally, I realized it's just a story highlighting the fact that birds are evil.
  • Asgard Tales from the Golden Hall. on June 02, 2015

    Have you ever found a book to possess a certain... flavour? Well, this series of poems certainly has one. A smokey, dusty, crisp sort of taste that lingers in your mouth, all the while speaking volumes of the worlds each seperate tale takes place. Fully immersive, and easy to fall into. After finishing this, you'll wish for more opportunities to curl up in your sheepskin blankets, stoke the fire, and drink mead. They are, unfortunately, too few and far between.
  • The Rebel on June 03, 2015

    Best I can decipher, this poorly written tale is about the dangers of having unprotected sex. If you're not ready for children, wrap it up. If you get your highschool sweetheart pregnant, this is the sort of situation your put yourself, and your spawn, into. The whole thing reads like a grocery list written by an unsupervised twelve year old. The dialogue is stiff, and ridiculous. The characters blunder about what passes for the storyline, like over-acting muppets, reading from their scripts for the first time, while their puppeteers drool and smack themselves in the head with buttered toast below. All-in-all, it was a hollow, poory executed and downright atrocious attempt to take back the word "rebel" after having a bad childhood. If any of this is actually based upon real life, you weren't a rebel. You were simply a kid making the best of a bad situation. Now for an excerpt: Me: “Georgia, could you come here for a minute, please?” Georgia (Sarcasm): “What do you want from me, DEAR?” Me: “I’d like to apologize for what I said to you that day.” Georgia (Holding a grudge): “Oh, you would, HUH?”
  • The Good Old Day's on June 03, 2015

    I don't even know where to start. The title, I suppose. The title alone should be enough warning to keep away anyone looking for quality story telling here. "Day's" indeed. Past that (if you make it any farther), what is contained in these virtual pages amounts to meandering gibberish. Various disconnected memories, with no cohesive goal in mind. Reading this was like a combination of watching paint dry, and listening to your dementia-ridden grandfather tell you about the time he helped win WWIII, and single-handedly defeated the martians, armed with nothing but a spoon. Slightly amusing, but also sad, at the same time.
  • All Hallows' Eve on June 03, 2015

    Like any mix of short stories, we have some winners, and we have some losers. The end result being a pleasant mix of mostly horror, and comedy. Nothing that will make you wet your pants, but certainly something to bide your time with, in between poisoning trick or treaters.
  • Nightmares from the Graveyard on June 04, 2015

    Absolutely delightful! It says "young adult or teen", but if you've ever been a fan of anthology horror, these stories should be right up your alley, no matter your age. When I was still in elementary school, I first discovered "Scary Stories to Tell in The Dark" in the school library, and devoured them like there was no tomorrow. If this had been on the shelf next to them, I would have gladly added it to my menu.
  • Snow Wonder on June 04, 2015

    Reading this felt like being thrust into a 50's style sci-fi pulp magazine, and I mean that in the best possible way. Loved it.
  • Cons on June 04, 2015

    Cute. Although it seemed like it was gory simply for the sake of being gory, which, much like the currently popular "torture porn" movies, isn't really something I personally see the appeal of. To each their own, I suppose.
  • I Saw A Demon on June 04, 2015

    Atrocious. This is a slap in the face to anyone who normally enjoys reading. It's like opening a book, and instead of finding good, quality literature, all you get is rank fart. I suppose that is the downside to living in the information age. Anyone can publish anything, anywhere. Case in point. Repetative, unoriginal, and lackluster throughout. My advice to you, Gerty, is to keep getting your parents to help you write. However, have them stick your stories on the refrigerator, instead of posting them online. At least until you finish honing what passes for your "craft".
  • The Cluster on June 08, 2015

    A tale of adolescence meeting the supernatural. Of finding your place in the world, and the innate, hormone-fueled need to elevate that place above your peers. Everyone wants to be special. Odd, slightly awkward style of writing. Overused themes addressed, in an equally awkward fashion. Points for effort, and potential, but contrary to the review within the first two pages, this is definitely not a replacement for Steinbeck, or Faulkner.
  • When Mothers Become Murderers on June 08, 2015

    A meagre, inept attempt to bring back witch trials, and the mentality thereof. The author rambles, flinging quotes about, like so much muck kicked up by pigs, grasping desperately at anything that even hints at the topic of "life", to use in progressively weaker arguments. We literally go from “thou shalt not kill" one moment, and then four pages later suggest "if you kill then you must be killed". You can only be so upset about the supposed breaking of a commandment if you're suggesting others do the same themselves. If someone breaks a commandment to punish someone for breaking a commandment, who punishes that person? Is this sort of like a daisy-chain suicide pact for an entire religion? The basis of your argument is bad, and you should feel bad.
  • Bingo - The Worlds Bravest Dog - A Halloween Story on June 08, 2015

    A cute little Halloween story. I'd say labeling it "young adult or teen" is going a bit far, but that's my only real complaint.
  • The Ultimate Guide To Getting Your Ex Girlfriend Back - How To Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back In 30 Days Or Less on June 08, 2015

    My favourite pieces of advice were the simple "develop a sense of humour", and "Pretend Like Nothing is Wrong". Deep. Concering the former: "A good sense of humor is characterized by laughing carefree no matter how silly the joke is or cracking jokes about nonsense things. This type of humor attracts others and even your cold-hearted old flame." If only I knew it was that easy! Damn you, Luigi Domenico, for not publishing this years ago!
  • Evil on June 09, 2015

    You know, I think I'm going to change my tune about Drac Von Stoller. Maybe it's the sheer amount of your work that I've subjected myself to, or the byproduct of drinking while reading a few of your stories, but frankly, your work is underappreciated and I think your stories, and none other, are the ones that Smashwords deserves to have on their front page. Now, I have a couple theories. One: you intentionally write this way. You sit back, do some sort of illicit drug, and jot down the most basic "scary story" your mind can conjure. Theory two: You have one of your small children write these for you. Obviously, afterwards, you edit in a few more adult themes, and edit some (but not all!) of the mistakes. Step three: ... Profit!
  • Zombie Squirrels on June 10, 2015

    Delicious. Each progressive line had my smile widening. "Zombie Ballerinas" had me wishing I had a band with which to perform a cover of. I imagine it would go quite well with a guitar riff, or two.
  • Ice-cream You Scream on June 10, 2015

    A bit cluttered and difficult to read as a result. The author could likely benefit from a graphic design course to remedy this. I respect the effort to work the actual words of the story into the artwork, but when something doesn't work, it... just doesn't work.
  • 50 Best Jokes Ever on June 10, 2015

    Your book is so bad, the local library has decided to support a book burning, just this once. Do you desperately need to find a few good jokes to tell your friends, because you're about as funny as a kick in the face? Well, look elsewhere, because all you'll find here are terrible, kindergarten-level jokes. If only there were some sort of electronic system, where you could search for things via keywords, and possibly find decent jokes....
  • The Only Letter to Get your Ex Back on June 10, 2015

    A low-brow attempt at basic social engineering. I imagine the next installment in this series will involve hiring a beautiful blonde to accompany you on a pseudo-date, somewhere where you ex can see you. This, of course, would make her insanely jealous, and all the more eager to get back with you. Would not recommend, much in the way Wiley Coyote would not recommend Acme.
  • Moon Landing on June 11, 2015

    Remember Livejournal? Remember how you always had that one friend who tried way to hard? That one friend who was prone to waxing philosophical about nothing in general? From toast, to nickels, to the moon landing? Yeah. I don't miss Livejournal either.
  • Sin No More on June 11, 2015

    My question to you is this: without eating the fruit of wisdom and knowledge, how were Adam and Eve supposed to really know not to eat the fruit of wisdom and knowledge...? They had no concept of sin, or wrongdoing, so honestly, how does one punish someone who doesn't know any better? All theological arguments aside, the formatting and layout of this book are simply attrocious. It was painful to look at. A literal eyesore. The subject matter is unoriginal, dispassionate, and full of the usual suspect: endless filler-quotes. There is nothing new to find here. Just do what has always worked for me: when given the choice between two sins, always choose the road untravelled.
  • Facing The Truth About Oneself on June 11, 2015

    What an eye-catching description. "It appears as though I have done it." he says. Mysterious, right? Thought provoking. Saying so little, and leaving you wanting more. You may find yourself wondering what exactly the author has accomplished within these pages (err, page). Here's the answer: How to put together full sentences.
  • Time Will Tell on June 11, 2015

    I think this author might fail to realize that this category: "self-improvement", is actually meant as a database of material to help OTHER people, and not just document how he improved himself on a particular day. I mean, I tend to take things literally, but geez.
  • Toys In The Attic on June 16, 2015

    Everyone enjoys a good revenge tale, and this one in particular is no exception. Short, sweet, and right to the point. It feels like the perfect length, and contains just the right amount of backstory, and just enough left to the imagination.
  • Grace: Is There a Limit to God’s Mercy? on June 16, 2015

    Spoiler: yes. There most definitely is a limit to the Christian god's mercy. If you mock someone for being bald, you just might be mauled by a bear. Aside from that, if I'm picking up what this author is laying down, the overall message here is basically that laws are really just... suggestions. The bible does not actually support law. Laws are manmade, and J.C. doesn't give two sharts about that business. It is up to the bearded guy in the clouds to forgive and forget, not some dude who makes a living by wearing a dress and waving a tiny wooden hammer around all day. So go ahead, get your freak on! As long as you ask for forgiveness afterwards, you're good. Maybe. Again, beware bald men. The G-Man has a soft spot for them. Oh, and don't mix fabrics.
  • Insane Clown Pantheon: Comparative Mythology and the Dark Carnival. Carnival of Carnage and Azazel on June 16, 2015

    An essay on the Insane Clown Posse. Essays and ICP. The two things seem like they'd be polar opposites. In any case, I am left a bit torn and bewildered after reading this. It is, in fact, very well put together. All the appropriate sources are noted, links provided, and the formatting was surprisingly easy on the eyes. In the end, the whole thing was very easy to digest. Hell, I even enjoy the author's schtick: investigating possible connections between mysticism and art. On the other hand, it still feels as if the author is trying too hard to connect some of the dots. It just seems... improbable that a couple of rappers from the Detroit area, who dress like clowns, spent time discussing Islam in their basement while putting together their albums in the 90's....
  • The Atheism Paradox on June 17, 2015

    Hilarious. Literally laugh-out-loud comedy gold. Oh. Wait. Upon further inspection, I don't think this was meant as satire.... Here, allow me to save you some time here by summing up the author's theory with a single snippet: "Atheism, by definition, is 'the disbelief or rejection in the existence of a deity.' Notice that it doesn't say "Atheism means there is no God. Therefore, Atheism is a conscious choice to reject God". Using this formula, you can win any existential argument! Nose goblins. The creatures that crawl out of your nostrils at night and smear cream cheese all over your eyelids, leaving them crusty and gross, come sunrise. Denying their existence literally proves they exist. Since the author actually seems to occasionally respond to comments, allow me to be mildly serious for a moment. Humans love labels. Disbelief is disbelief. However, when it comes to religion, things tend to get a bit more heated. In turn, labels tend to take on heavier importance. Atheism is simply that: a particular label for people who don't happen to believe in something. In this case, a deity. A better comparison (instead of the imaginary friend farce) is bigfoot. Or big eyed aliens. People legitimately believe in these things. Some of them quite fanatically. Once again, using your formula: disbelieving, or rejecting their belief, automatically gives credence to the object of that belief. Using your own words, let's substitute the word 'atheist' for 'disbeliever', and 'God' for 'Loch Ness Monster'. "You can only be an disbeliever if there is a Loch Ness Monster." Just because there isn't a mass title for people who don't believe in these things, doesn't mean the argument is any different. In the end, believe in whatever you wanna believe in. But if you're gonna try to shoot down other people's beliefs, put some real effort into it. Your argument is bad, and you should feel bad.
  • Fryupdale on June 17, 2015

    A bizarre slice-of-life, served up steaming on a grimy yellow plate, held out to you by sweaty, hairy knuckles, and smelling faintly of stale whiskey. Dirtier than your own life by half, but somehow feeling just as real. Dark, sad, and hilarious all at once. I guarantee you'll have difficulty choosing an emotion to apply to any given chapter. Loved it.
  • Free the Shorts! on June 18, 2015

    I cannot comment on the legitimacy of these stories, despite their being labeled as true, but I do so hope they're all 100% accurate. Lighthearted and fun. These stories are the antithesis to my own brand of humour... however, I still found myself enjoying them. I did find some of the comparisons unnecessarily "wacky" and repetative (specifically the atomic hamster bit), at times. Aside from that, I would read works by this author again.
  • The Names Of God on June 22, 2015

    Thanks to this book, I refuse to buy anything but IAM's cat food for my little Mr. Wigglesworth. Once you read it, I bet you'll do the same! To be honest, ever since I made the connection, I've been eating it too. I buy it in bulk and empty a couple cases into a kiddie pool in my front yard. After that's done, I submerge myself into what I call the Holy Pile and try to absorb the spirit while I shovel as much "Feisty Salmon and Shrimp" as possible into my gullet. That's my favourite flavour, by the way. This whole process usually takes about three hours. Or until the ants find me. The nighbors avoid me, the local children sometimes throw rocks and garbage at me, and I smell like cat food, but I've never felt closer to Him as I do now. The "Lively Lamb and Trout" is a pretty close second option, if you're thinking about trying my method.
  • Unspoken Rules of the Bathroom: A Practical Guide for the Modern Girl on June 22, 2015

    Although this is in the interest of humour, I still think there are more than a few unnecessary generalizations contained within. I feel as if I should write my own novel now, going into detail on how all men work on cars all day, drink beer, eat nothing but meat, and constantly fart. THAT'S OUR SECRET. WE'RE ALWAYS FARTING. Points for formatting, and attempts at the funny, but honestly all we have here is exaggerated observational humour, based upon stereotypes. I have personally witnessed the forbidden act. On multiple occasions, with multiple women. Don't be afraid to show your dominance, ladies. Do it loud, and do it proud!
  • The Mad Crapper on June 22, 2015

    Mrm. A refresher course into what being thirteen was like. The hormones start bubbling, the pimples popping, and you start feeling awkward all the time. Singled out. Targeted by adults. Then you start listening to Rage Against The Machine, and think: "Question authority, man! Fuck the police!". Insert a child's idea of rebellion here. Not to say I wouldn't have found this highly amusing in highschool. It just doesn't hold up once you graduate.
  • Mrs.Stubbs on June 22, 2015

    Another trip down highschool memory lane. Our author takes on the persona of L.G. Blazo, rebellious teenager extraordinaire. He makes verbal strikes against everything from standardized education: "If I ever actually need this information I can just google it", replacing the old "if I ever need math, I can just use a calculator" mantra. To stereotyped meathead jocks. To teachers who are simply cogs in the great machine, not even deserving of the title "human", and instead being dubbed as "drones" or "robots". Then we have the self-assured, halfway-subtle tooting of one's own horn throughout. The author is very demure about his debate victory over a valedictorian (and future Harvard graduate), and almost always victorious when faced with a an old fashioned battle of wits, or tête-à-tête. All in all, I have to admit, Blazo does have a fairly excellent literary voice. He simply needs to move past the highschool mentality, and apply it to more worthwhile topics.
  • The 5 AM Club: How To Get More Done While The World Is Sleeping on June 23, 2015

    I used to be a member of the alternative 5am Club. Which is to say, that I would still be up from the previous night when the sun started coming up. That's why I can say, without even trying these methods, that it is indeed a magical time. Bleary-eyed, still possibly drunk, I used to be the most productive mofo you ever did see. Birds chirping outside, dew still wet on the grass, and there I'd be: painting, drawing, sewing, sculpting, seducing. It was amazing. Then you pass out for a eight hour power nap, wake up at about two o'clock in the afternoon, and prepare to do it all over again. After having a little hair of the dog, of course.
  • Government Killings on June 24, 2015

    JET FUEL CAN'T MELT STEEL BEAMS. But your words... burst my jeans.
  • Ascension on June 24, 2015

    Nicely done! Just the right amount of horror, intrigue, suspicion, and adventure to hold your interests. My only complaint? That the story came to a close. I would love to read further tales told from this world.
  • Terminator of AIs: Fury Road on July 02, 2015

    ...cute. The title leaves much to be desired (and, in fact, almost caused me to skip reading entirely). The description fails to inform the potential reader that this, in fact, obvious satire. What we have in the end is a very short preview of a pseudo-apocalyptic, tongue-in-cheek lambast of recent movie trends. If eventually provided, I'll definitely look into it and see how it flows. It has potential, as a concept. Unfortunately, that's all it is currently.
  • 200 Motivational and inspirational Quotes That Will Inspire Your Success on July 06, 2015

    I initially came here to make a snarky comment, or two. Because, come on, this is the information age. The gosh darn internet, for Pete's sake. Who really needs a book of collected quotes when you have searchable databases for just such an occasion? I went through the quotes, however, and they were all actually pretty good. I must admit that all the quotations found within were well chosen and on-topic. You win this time, Miss Collins.
  • The Day the Music Died on July 06, 2015

    Life is a roadside ditch we can't quite seem to climb out of. Strong start, steady middle, but sort of a cop-out ending. Spoiler: sex makes everything better. If you'd included more hallucinogens, the story could have almost been Hunter S. Thompson-esque.
  • Aftermath on July 06, 2015

    A story about a misguided child's equally misplaced guilt, and overreaching sense of morality. Reading through this was like trying to read someone's heartfelt account about the utter horror they felt after dropping a Poptart on the floor. "How could you?" her mother would surely say upon discovering this heinous act. "The poor factory workers... what would they say if they heard about such selfish waste?" So, with a flourish, the guilt-ridden girl signs her last letter. "My life is over. The only way I can fill this empty, roughly Poptart-shaped void in my life, is to fill it with death. Do not mourn for me. Mourn for the Frosted Brown Sugar and Cinnamon Poptart on the kitchen floor. I'm so sorry". With that, she steps off her stool, the rope going taut around her slender neck.
  • Right or Wrong? on July 06, 2015

    Terrible. If you ever had your parents argue as a child, and for whatever reason, actually enjoyed listening to the process, this book is for you. Otherwise look elsewhere. Rambling abortion-themed nonsense. And neither of the characters within were even TRYING to win the argument! There are plenty of ways to justify killing someone in the bible. Just pretend the baby is a sinner by proxy and stone the damn thing. Loophole found. Fer christssakes.
  • Running on Full on July 08, 2015

    Lackluster ideas, and a poor attempt to present them in an entertaining fashion/self-help book style. Author attempts to coin new terms for existing concepts, and has possibly watched "Pay it Forward" one too many times. Sad to say, but violence is part of human nature. We are animals, after all, and as such, it is hardwired into our brains. As a society, we have various forms of entertainment to take the place of, say, actually going outside and killing something. Going to a football game generates the same (or at least similar) feeling in our brain. The rush of endorphins, the excitement. All without needing to clean the blood out from under your nails. Replacement violence is good violence. Let's not take that for granted. Pack mentality is a thing here, too. It's not so much "character transfer", as it is observing your environment and finding your place. This specifically applies as an adolescent, and can result in some embarassing attempts to fit in and/or be cool. Get off yer high horse and deal with it. We're a bunch of monkeys in suits who go to war over the slightest perceived difference in culture. Here's the only guide we need: Be kind to those who deserve it, be polite even when they don't, hit people back when they hit you, and don't give your two year old a smart phone. Extra star for properly crediting sources, and decent formatting :)
  • The Book of Skin on July 08, 2015

    Exceptional, and not at all something one would expect to find on Smashwords. It's a hard-boiled detective novel for the modern age; with sex, wit, and realistic outcomes.
  • Battle of the Stronghold Builders on July 08, 2015

    Stronghold? You're thinking too small. Build yourself a Deathstar of the mind, and blow away anything that doesn't match your worldview!
  • Vera's Itch on July 08, 2015

    A unique little ghost story. Kudos to you if you can figure out the ending, because I certainly couldn't.
  • If Christ had not Suffered on July 08, 2015

    An excellent reminder that a funny little guy in some far away country died for our sins, so we had better no let that time on the cross go to waste: Sin, people! SIN! Otherwise, what was the point?
  • Guilty Man Not Ready to Die on July 08, 2015

    Heavy handed, and just plain embarassing to read. I had this early-indoctrinated religious friend in preschool... this is is about the same quality of his poetry. Side story: That same kid from preschool? While we were running around on the playground one day, I told him that I had actually met Jesus. And that Jesus had a crown of neon, not thorns, and that everything in Heaven was high-tech and industrial. He called me a liar and ran away. I told him to prove it and laughed.
  • Unravelling on July 13, 2015

    Hah! Well, that was just spectacular. The first pages were perfect, delicious social-awkwardness, and the ending was like a tart little cherry on top. An unexpected cherry. So... buried in whipped cream? Poor comparisons aside, I highly recommend this one. Poor little lizard.
  • Mysteries of Time and Creation on July 13, 2015

    You'll find no science here, Christian or otherwise. What you'll find is not just a child's indoctrination handbook, but a very poor excuse for a child's indoctrination handbook. The author doesn't even put the effort in. Low effort, copy-and-paste garbage. Instead of trying to actually explain anything, all you'll find are the usual twenty-or-so bible quotes. No conjecture. Nothin'. Trying to convert some young, impressionable childred? You'd likely do better making something up on the fly.
  • Still Life on July 13, 2015

    A novel approach to the apocalypse. Not at all what you'd expect, but easily just as horrifying as whatever else you might be able to come up with.
  • Three Short Fairytales on July 14, 2015

    Lovely! I'm a sucker for a good fairy tale, and these three beautiful, bittersweet tales keep the tradition of the brothers Grimm very much alive. Add this author to your favourites, as I have a feeling great things are in store for us.
  • Stalking the Shadows on July 14, 2015

    Outstanding! If you like pseudo political machinations with a dash of cloak and dagger, and a pinch of the supernatural, then boy are you in luck. Methinks the author was a little inspired by a grey seer by the name of Thanquol and his ilk, but you won't see me complaining. Looking forward to checking out the next installment of this! Long live the Vit-Vit and the greater good!
  • Unhaunting The Hours on July 20, 2015

    It took me a couple pages to get into this particular story. The author has a unique style of writing, and I was initially tempted to close this story and look for another. I'll tell you right now: don't do it. It may take a moment to get used to, but in the end, this is an excellent tale. I look forward to seeing more set in this universe.
  • To Morrow Tomorrow: An Epic Day with the Legendary Frank von Peck on July 20, 2015

    Interesting. The afterthoughts in italics after every comment was a bit cumbersome at times, but overall a cute little slice-of-life from a better time. The Frank character reminded me of a watered down version of John, from "John Dies at The End". However, I think the real question everyone will be asking after reading is this: What were they drinking, and is it widely available?
  • Gold a'Locks And The Three Weres on July 21, 2015

    Exquisite storytelling in every sense of the traditional fairy tale. Relatively short, but well-rounded. Multiple layers to dig through; the narrator's introduction, the theif's point of view, the mother telling the tale to the son, and then the tale itself at the core. Wonderful weaving! Terrific use of dialogue. All the stars.
  • Quiet: A Short Story on July 21, 2015

    A nice feeling of mounting dread, and general "wrongness" to the whole thing. Lovely. I feel like the ending was a bit abrupt, however. It felt like missed potential.
  • Halloween: Scary Halloween Stories for Kids on July 22, 2015

    A real "Scary Stories to Tell in The Dark" style vibe throughout; the only thing missing were the abstract illustrations. Spooky, not gory. Well-written, not dumbed-down. All-in-all, the perfect Halloween book for your chilluns to enjoy around a campfire, curled under the covers on a rainy night, or just sitting around their candy buckets, deviding up their trick or treating spoils.
  • Next Move, You're Dead - Book 1 of the Next Move, You're Dead Trilogy on July 23, 2015

    This story seems to be set in a frustrating world where the only halfway intelligent man has decided he's simply had enough of the general populace. He's snapped. He's taken a lifetime's worth of their combined idiocy, and has decided "screw it. I might as well make the most of things". And so Erebus, our hero, has a new mission in life: to make life miserable for this sea of gullible halfwits, one game at a time. Our protagonist is exactly as the author describes: a villain you'll love to hate. Detective John Cooper isn't a genius mastermind, a crazy psychopath, or even just a street-smart backalley thug... no, he's a completely unlikable bumbling oaf that you end up hating for his poor choices and weak-willed nature. He runs around like a toddler, barely aware of his surroundings, grasping at ideas that constantly escape him, jumping to any conclusion provided, practically begging our hero to take advantage of him. And oh how he does. I won't give any spoilers, but after llistening to John whine and spout nonsense for a good portion of the three hundred pages, I feel like he got what was coming to him. Here's to hoping Erebus can knock a few more pins down in the next installment!
  • Mute's Moments Volume One on July 28, 2015

    Very cute. Light and fluffy little snippits of our main character every day life. Absolutely lovely watercolour artwork throughout. I look at this as a teaser for things yet to come, and look forward to possibly seeing a storyline with more meat on it's bones eventually. As it stands, however, it's very palatable and I don't have a single real criticism. Also, Miss Chow: we, your audience, demand more Dark Lord!