on May 15, 2014
A few tips:
Paragraphs. Use them. Every time a different person speaks, it's a new line; every time you write about something different, it's a new line. Your stories are nearly impossible to read because they are just one paragraph.
Proofreading. Do it. Some mistakes should be immediately noticeable if you read everything over at least once before submitting it.
Punctuation. Use that too. Sentences become confusing without proper punctuation.
Personalities. Your characters need them. This Xavier seems, if you'll forgive the term, to be a Gary Sue.
How are we at part 5 when it's only chapter 3?
Tenses. Maintain them. You can't switch from past tense to present tense in only a couple of sentences.