By Jack Forge
Published: July 14, 2012.
(5.00 from 1 review)
Lyrics to a song composed by my son, Sean Damon, whose music is on Soundclick at http://www.soundclick.com/bands/default.cfm?bandID=662805&content=music. This poem is included in my book of poetry, SPIRITS, available on Smashwords.
Much like a dream. Bits of humor too. For its brevity, the story works. It is difficult to write a short-short and make it succeed. Good use of details for vision and taste. I really can't see anyone even thinking of approaching a bear to inquire about a pair of pants, but then this is a dream where anything goes. Your use of the language is rough in spots but maybe you intended that. The end suggests an existential point of view. Interesting touch. The story closes with an unpredictable darkness that left me wondering about this character's life--and death. Maybe the story should have told me more.
An interesting take on the loss of Eden. I found myself captured by the opening scene of a young couple finding a pear orchard. And I was further intrigued by the threatening darkness of chemical-poisoned apples. But I wanted more. When the writer left the story to conclude with a homily about maturity, I was lost, not in an orchard but at a dead end to a promising story. Maybe revise it with more development of the characters and theme.
Well written guide, covering more clear information and direction in one cybertome than available in numerous sites on the internet. Remains to be seen if the apparently good advice will help me sell my books.
Lori J. Mitchell’s little book, 100 EASY HOUSHOLD TIPS, is packed with many ingenious remedies for those common household problems we all encounter.
This simple volume will surely help anyone who reads it achieve more efficiency in the home.
I recommend 100 EASY HOUSHOLD TIPS!
An effective short-short that presents real people in a convincing setting. One can feel the wetness while reading this series of verbal pictures that assemble a brief but complete story of marriage, need, and commitment. Applause for accomplishing a challenging task--creating a good story in fewer than a thousand words.
What a fascinating twist on the mythical self-sacrificing hero! An enjoyable little gem. One suggestion: Develop it. This deserves to be a novel or at least a full-blown short story. It is the germ of a major work.
Overall, an affecting poem on the horrors of war. Although I don’t know if you want comment, constructive criticism, or both, I offer you some comments. First, I’ve read some Sassoon, so I know for what you’re striving. I can see and hear and almost feel the plight of the soldiers in the trenches. I commend you on your enterprise in using an aabb rhyme scheme in English, a language not as rich in rhymes as the Romance languages, such as French and Italian. I also don’t know the reason you used the word Alius. Perhaps to cast an aura of antiquity, as in the repetition of wars throughout human history. But I could be reaching. Anyway, glad to see you presenting your work to the world. I hope you have continued to do so.
One of my favorite fruits! Thanks for reminding me of the transcendent pleasure of eating one. In your effective use of blank verse you present some sensuous images, such as “…juices as cold as the new morning...” Makes me want one right now! Keep writing!
A fine tribute! I have become cynical about Mother’s Day, what with all the crass commercialism choking its essential meaning. Your mother must have been very pleased to read this homage. Your rhymes integrate well into the poem without standing up and shouting: “Hey, look at me! I sound like another word here.” And I’m glad to see you consider your life a blessing. Alas, so many of us, maybe those without mothers like yours, see life less happily. May you enjoy many more days of your mother and celebrate them this way.
Effective little piece of black comedy. I like the way you look at ecology from different points of view. To me, this seems like a germ for a longer story or novel. Nicely executed flash fiction since that form is more difficult than it looks. Good work!
Good concept. Nice little study of human nature. However, the dearth of paragraphs and some irregular punctuation make reading the tale a bit of a challenge. You may want to develop this promising sketch into a longer short story.
Interesting take on a police state. While I found your little story engrossing and amusing, I must take mild issue with its premise. Having written a similar story (Purchasing Power), I do not exactly share your point of view. Your tale presents a sort of dictatorship of disease prevention. But I see it as one of treatment with more money for that going to insurance and pharmaceutical companies. Nevertheless, I enjoyed your story and applaud you for writing socially conscious science fiction.
Good opening sentence that hooks the reader. This short-short seems like it would work well as a chapter in a novel. Maybe you had this in mind. Lots of color and action here. I enjoyed the read and wanted more.