Bartholomew Thockmorton


Bartholomew James Thockmorton was born shortly after World War II in the burly, rural environs outside of Antsiranana. His ancestral family owned one of the larger cassava plantations, which his father managed. A small army of poor, itinerate laborers worked the fields and walked the cows when necessary. Although his mother was a schoolteacher in a one-room schoolhouse for the kafirs working the plantation, she often closed school and helped with the family business.
Before Bartholomew entered the first grade, his immediate family emigrated to the Americas seeking political asylum during a brief period of political unrest in their home province. Unwilling to enroll her son in a foreign school system, Misses Thockmorton home schooled young Bartholomew, teaching him to read using comic books and by continual recitations off the labels of various and sundry commercial products. This unorthodox methodology is credited to the boy’s almost astounding ability to recall a staggering amount of obscure trivia and minutiae. Additionally, his mother’s use of American television as an inexpensive and trusted babysitter led to the boy’s later talent of usually being the only person in an occupied room that can recall the name of the foreign actor portraying the Cisco Kid (Duncan Renaldo).
When the family returned home, Bartholomew enrolled in an academy for gifted children where he studied particle physics and animal husbandry. On his 18th birthday, he took a menial position aboard a tramp steamer, using it as free and convenient passage to the mother country. Upon arrival, he promptly used his undeserved citizenship to enlist in the Royal Navy, where his strapping physique and precise ability to speak intelligently while using large, unusual words led to his serendipitous assignment to special ops. Subsequently, Lieutenant Thockmorton participated in numerous clandestine campaigns abroad and on a multitude of contentious fronts.
Completing his enlistment, he promptly returned home to assist with the family business. It was during this period, after a night of unrestrained drinking with a group of chums from his military days, that the still young Bartholomew accepted a wager to attempt a crossing of equatorial Africa with nothing more than the first 25-issues of Mark Evaniner’s Groo the Wanderer. Which he did, with splendid aplomb.
After a long and unsuccessful life of struggling to blend with the great, unwashed masses, Master Thockmorton now spends his days in leisure, studying irrelevant and long forgotten scientific abstracts, attempting to master the fine art of authoring tales of hard science fiction and practicing how to triumphantly write in the third-person concerning his life. He lives with his wife in an unimportant and undisclosed location.
Master Thockmorton does not tweet, blog or otherwise manifest his thoughts or beliefs in a personal website, but questions and comments may be directed to:

While communiqués may remain unanswered, they will be read...but only after the spam filter passes judgment on said submissions.


Kaman's World
Price: Free! Words: 22,220. Language: English. Published: December 29, 2011. Categories: Fiction » Science fiction » Space opera
(5.00 from 2 reviews)
Betty and Sam are off on another sci-fi adventure! Traveling to a distant, desert planet to recover the body of an old friend at the request of his brother, our crew finds hidden danger and peril beyond imagination! Join Betty, Sam and Charlie, the ship's computer, on this exciting other-worldly exploit. And don't forget Marty, the only carnivorous mammal from the planet Betty named Xanadu!
The Flaming Chicken and other Tales
Price: Free! Words: 7,860. Language: English. Published: November 19, 2011. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » General
(5.00 from 1 review)
What do a hairless dog, a flaming chicken and Mel Torme have in common? Visit Freddy and Bubba's service station outside of Ashville, North Carolina and find out! Burning poultry at its finest!
Throwing Snowballs at Xanadu
Price: Free! Words: 11,570. Language: English. Published: November 18, 2011. Categories: Fiction » Science fiction » General
Betty and Sam are the luckiest System Searchers in the universe! After months of cataloguing solar systems, they discover the very first Earth-normal planet! But as they ponder oddities in the native species and the planet, they find not one, but two comets are about to hit their paradise! And it'll be an Extinction Level Event! What can they do? What will they do? And can they do it in time?
The Last Load
Price: Free! Words: 23,060. Language: English. Published: November 11, 2011. Categories: Fiction » Science fiction » General
(4.00 from 2 reviews)
Doctor Samuel Louiston was a dead man. At least he would be if the thugs from the Cranston Corporation caught up with him! But when McNally, a covert agent for the Inner-system Navy, shows up...things really get crazy! Together, Louiston and McNally must discover why comet-haulers in the Oort cloud are disappearing. That is, if they can avoid the battle-cruisers of the Sector Patrol! Sci-Fi noir.

Bartholomew Thockmorton's tag cloud

Bartholomew Thockmorton's favorite authors on Smashwords

Charles Sarlanis
Latest book: The Trojan Diary. Published June 15, 2013.
Derek Pearson
Latest book: The Willing Misfit. Published February 28, 2012. (4.00 from 1 review)
Jorge Perez-Jara
Latest book: An Alien Incursion. Published December 23, 2014.
Michael Summers
Latest book: The Cutlers Of The Howling Hills. Published June 25, 2014. (5.00 from 1 review)
Shane Greenhough
Latest book: Baby-Blue Eyes. Published February 18, 2013. (5.00 from 1 review)
Stacy Stutz
Latest book: Impromptu Séance. Published August 27, 2012. (3.50 from 2 reviews)

Smashwords book reviews by Bartholomew Thockmorton

  • Endeavour on Feb. 04, 2012

    Not a bad short tale. Kept me engaged and wondering what would happen next. Good job, Shane! Best of luck to you!
  • Lyrical Ramblings on Feb. 05, 2012

    Wonderfully varied expressions of love and hate, memories and dreams, song and sorrows. "Loathing" is jarring and raw,"Four Seasons" is soft and warm and "Wicked Fire" is loud and powerful! Lovely poems, all! Here's wishing yopu the best...and thanks for sharing!
  • A Mother’s Love on May 11, 2012

    Dang! Gave me cold chills! Well done!