At age 5, I invented peas and mashed potatoes. Prior to this event, people ate their peas willynilly. They were all over the place. It was mass hysteria. So I said to my mom, I said, "Why don't you just stick that shit in mashed potatoes?" to which she replied, "Stop swearing! And take your hands out of your pants!" I chose to do neither.
After that, I went to college, where I experimented with my sexuality. Sometimes as a man, sometimes as a woman, sometimes as Tyrannosaurus Rex. Sexsasaurus Rex, that's what they called me... until the day I went mysteriously missing.
Where I went from there? Nobody knows. Perhaps I wondered from town to town, fixing the wrongs of the world. Perhaps I discovered porn on the internet and spent years locked in my room, writing erotic fan fiction.
Either way, one day I was found, naked, hanging from a tree, in the Northern Canadian Jungle. I lept from that tree, and crawled sixty miles back to civilization, battling dire cobras, dire bears, and dire wolves all along the way. When I finally made it into a local Holiday Inn, I'll never forget the first words that they said to me. "Why are you naked?...Eh?"
From there, I returned to civilization, and after a brief stint in jail for regicide, I got an account on Smashwords. And thus I decided to start writing books, and you know the rest.