Barnabas Herbert


I start every single morning with a breakfast of iron. I eat nails and shit razors. Then I go to my computer and delete every single piece of fanmail I have recieved within the night without even bothering to read them. The amount of daily fanmail is measured in googolplexes. That is because I am a high-profile star and people would kill to be allowed the grace of touching my shoes. About 90% of the world population have my name tattooed somewhere on their skin.

I currently work as the general manager of a multi-national investment firm that deals mainly with funding research for neutron and fusion bombs et cetera. I have my own private jet and I use 100 euro bills as my toilet paper. Once I smoked a blunt wrapped in the original copy of Shakespeare's MacBeth.

In my spare time I am the justice given form. I put on a skin-tight moth costume and become Mothman, the dark crusader. I don't have many superpowers, but I have the Mothmobile - modified Talbot Horizon from the year 1984, a classic. My archnemesis is called "The Poker" and his evil plots mostly center around cheating in online card games.

I have many talents. I possess a superior analytic intelligence and my knowledge about everything and all is beyond anything ever known to mankind before me. Compared to me, Machiavelli was a minor player, merely a pawn. He was dynamite but I am a tactical nuke. In fact I know the meaning of life.

I can also write great poetry. Wanna see?

"Peach, you fucking rule,
Peach, you fucking rock.
Peach get down on me
'n polish my knob."

I have to be completely honest with you; I have enormous balls. You have possibly seen horses pack quite a bit in the genital section, so you might have some kind of a picture in your mind about my seed-sags. My balls have their own gravitational field. 9/11 wasn't actually a terrorist attack; It was me teabagging the WTC towers.

My father is Thor, the God of Thunder, and my mother is the Hive Queen from Aliens. That mentioned you might already know why I don't dig bullshit applications.

Because you want to know more about me you can read my biography. It's called "Beowulf".

Where to find Barnabas Herbert online


The Man Who Saw Tomorrow
Price: $1.99 USD. Words: 12,490. Language: English. Published: April 7, 2012. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » General
He had to choose between living for himself and living for others, and terrible though the task laid upon him undoubtedly was, yet he knew that he must not suffer selfishness to triumph over love. Sooner or later we are all called upon to decide on the same issue - of us all, the same question is asked. The man who saw tomorrow, saw it yesterday...but that tomorrow may not come.

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