Frankie Lassut

Biography

Born right on the edge of the Lake District. Fifty metres (yards) further West I would have been in the Irish sea. Spent thirty years there, the first fifteen or so studying hard to get a job in a factory. Got the job in the factory and at the weekends knocked about around the Lake District, which is why you should read my books about them ... don't read the boring ones.
Then I left the area and ended up in Coventry. I had heard that the streets were paved with gold. They were! But, it was a type of gold I'd never seen i.e. it wasn't yellow or shiny and had the texture and looks of dirty concrete. Nevertheless, I decided to sit down and write things. The one book I didn't write was 'How to lose weight by not eating'. It went like this, 'write a best seller and then eat'. Simple formula. I died of starvation and then came back as a zombie, so I wrote a zombie story. Over the years I've wondered why I'm still plump and not a skeleton. I've also wondered why all the crap things that happen to you make better stories than nice things. There again, the crap files are towering above the nice file. If we were talking A4 paper I'd say the four foot pile of crap things tower over the one sheet of the nice thing. You just have to keep going and hope that the great muse of storytelling one day gives birth to you. Does all of that sound insane? That's ok then because I think I am ...
NO I didn't have time to spell check this, so forgive me ... I'll do it later, I promise.

Smashwords Interview

Do you remember the first story you ever read, and the impact it had on you?
Maybe not the first, but I wrote an elongated advert for classical guitar strings; I was heavily into classical guitar for a lot of years and knew most of the world's top professionals. The mind images were hyperbolically crazy like they have always been. I wrote of putting dead fish in the living room and attracting cats ... the rest was a bit messy. I ended up with packs of gut strings I called Pussy Strings. No one wanted to buy any and then all of these players thought I was taking something, which is now my style i.e. 'wodzeon?'
How do you approach cover design?
I always get a mind image and as I'm a photographer too, which helps enormously. I used to draw them, but can't draw. Well I can, but my style is like a child who can't draw.
Read more of this interview.

Where to find Frankie Lassut online


Books

Origin
Price: $1.99 USD. Words: 5,480. Language: English. Published: August 29, 2016. Categories: Fiction » Historical » United Kingdom, Fiction » Humor & comedy » General
It was Napoleon Bonaparte who said, “history is written by the winners” ... but shall we believe that?
Crispy Titters
Series: Care Home Antics, 3. Price: $1.99 USD. Words: 8,500. Language: English. Published: August 16, 2016. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » General
Part three, sadly the last part of our care home caricature. Well, it isn’t really sad, it’s been a good laugh and I at least don’t want it to get boring, so it’s a refreshing end. The best thing is, everything I’ve said in these three Wonky Novlets is so true it’s unbelievable. I mean, it’s so true except where it isn’t. How will you know the difference?
The Grannyish Grimquisition
Series: Care Home Antics, 2. Price: $1.99 USD. Words: 9,140. Language: English. Published: August 3, 2016. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » General
This is part two of a caricaturistic style word portrait trilogy in a well 'character' stocked care home and the fun things they get up to. The home is based in the beautiful Warwickshire countryside. No need for headlights at night as the roads are lit by the Pagan bonfires (actually Wicker Men).
Fire Quackers
Series: Care Home Antics, 1. Price: $1.99 USD. Words: 8,810. Language: English. Published: June 30, 2016. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » Black comedy
This is part 1 of a small trilogy of caricaturistic style word portraits based on character packed care home set in the beautiful Warwickshire countryside.
The Tramadol Pollywog
Price: $2.99 USD. Words: 5,740. Language: English. Published: April 24, 2016. Categories: Fiction » Horror » Weird fiction
Any troubles in your life concerning your body, go see your doctor. I was knackered because I couldn’t sleep. So I went to the docs to get some sleeping pills. He seemed hesitant to give me them ... mind you, he didn’t mind giving me other pills that gave me rashes and made my eyes bleed.
Agony Grant
Price: $3.99 USD. Words: 20,650. Language: English. Published: April 7, 2016. Categories: Fiction » Fantasy » Dark
I thought I knew why, but I was wrong. I was wrong because the emotions of anger and frustration and ecstasy exist and they can make people swear and use expletives. You see, I thought I had been born in the wrong class of people. The people in my class swore simply because it existed i.e. the men.
Some 'Clout' in the Lake District
Price: $0.99 USD. Words: 8,870. Language: English. Published: March 31, 2016. Categories: Fiction » Historical » United Kingdom
Writing a book like this is ALL about having fun, and having even more fun caricaturing/hyperbolising what the storyteller finds ‘too quiet/beige. It isn’t about how many copies can be sold, although that can be a nice positive experience if the person is ‘positive’ and, has their mind under control (human minds can be wild creatures).
The Woolyback Wool Puller
Series: Tales from the English Lake District. Price: $1.49 USD. Words: 12,080. Language: English. Published: February 8, 2016. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » General
Lies can be very beautiful things, which is a good job because lies are such a huge part of life, we’re stuck with them; for better for worse.
The Smaller Conspiracy
Series: Fun and Fantasy. Price: $1.49 USD. Words: 7,430. Language: English. Published: January 18, 2016. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » Satire
It’s in two parts. Firstly an academic waffles on about the world of retail in the usual academic way and then I’ll tell you what the academic can’t. As a little comfort offering I can tell you that it will happen slowly so you probably won’t notice ... until it’s too late and the last thing you ever see are teeth. Good luck.
Tales From a Church Tea Room No3 'My' Project
Series: Tales from a Church Tea Room No1: A Helping Hand for the King of Castle Rock. Price: $0.99 USD. Words: 4,520. Language: English. Published: January 9, 2016. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » Parody
I visualised my project in my head and then looked around at the characters and, I’m pleased to say, they were as perfect for the project as the project was for them.
Come-By
Series: Tales from the English Lake District. Price: Free! Words: 2,730. Language: English. Published: December 2, 2015. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » Black comedy
I was fortunate enough to spend the first thirty years of my life in the English Lake District. I find Lake District books a bit boring which is why I like to write them in this caricature style which is a lot more interesting and entertaining (I find ... you get the info plus the fun). Much more interesting. Enjoy the ditty. It isn’t very long, but I know how to use it.
Tales From a Church Tea Room No2. Three Sweet Little Old Ladies
Series: Tales from a Church Tea Room No1: A Helping Hand for the King of Castle Rock. Price: $0.99 USD. Words: 6,560. Language: English. Published: October 11, 2015. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » Black comedy
In a Church tea room yes you do find young people, why wouldn’t you? But, obviously in an Age UK meeting in a church tea room, you will sometimes get the New 30 type 55 year olds like me, on a mission to test out the ‘old years’ to see what it’s going to be like.
Tales from a Church Tea Room No1: A Helping Hand for the King of Castle Rock
Price: $0.99 USD. Words: 14,200. Language: English. Published: September 18, 2015. Categories: Nonfiction » Literary criticism » Short Stories
Through fate with a sprinkling of Destiny, John Dough becomes a teacher by example and in that very responsible position finds that a famous writer is actually missing the ‘it’ factor in his work. John reckons that the addition of the elusive factor will elevate the man’s work and make him even more successful. Fortunately, winner of a prestigious prize for storytelling with a pen at an Age UK m
Dear Mr Spielberg
Price: Free! Words: 20,980. Language: English. Published: September 3, 2015. Categories: Fiction » Adventure » General
Forty years ago a wonderful man did this story, and then number two came, then 3, in 3D and he says he still has nightmares about the process now. So, this is a daft, creative little tale from an indie writer, rejected by one and all, for the brilliant Mr Spielberg. You never know, if he gets it he might like it. I hope he does, he inspired it with his fabulous ability.
Till the Cows Come Home
Price: $0.99 USD. Words: 4,770. Language: English. Published: September 1, 2015. Categories: Fiction » Fantasy » Short stories
This story? Triggered by the wunderbar Evo when she said of a certain fashionable yet undiscovered snack. ‘I could eat these till the cows come home’. That triggered a story from Frankie’s imagination. Imagination! One of man’s greatest gifts assets/means. Proper Power from a cool ‘overseer’.
The Ace Historian
Price: $0.99 USD. Words: 9,410. Language: English. Published: August 9, 2015. Categories: Fiction » Historical » Medieval
This little offering then is a piece of history with a sprinkle of present to show just how easy it can be for the working class person to raise their status and get a job as a history teacher and get paid a lot of money for spouting believable claptrap.
Cedric Fallows and the Genius
Price: $0.99 USD. Words: 4,140. Language: English. Published: July 28, 2015. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » General
1.Cedric Fallows is all alone and on a downward spiral because his wife has died. His mate says ‘Cedric, you need a hobby.’ So Cedric gets a hobby as a domestic livestock therapist in an abattoir holding pen. But, what do you say to a stressed pig about to get the chop?‘ 2.This collection of words is about the statement ‘I’ve never used anything I learned at school’. But there was one thing ...
Two Splendid Venues
Price: Free! Words: 5,760. Language: English. Published: July 19, 2015. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » General
Well, these are what we call Quick Flash stories, which means they aren’t very long and so you could probably read one to completion on your way to work, Which is what we had in mind when producing them them. People asked us 'can you write something I could start and finish on my way to work?' ...
The Plastic Christmas Card
Price: Free! Words: 3,470. Language: English. Published: July 18, 2015. Categories: Fiction » Mashups
Happiness’s root is an old Latin word ‘Hopiness’ meaning ‘to feel good’. It hailed from the hop plantations of Evesham i.e. hops (as in malt and) meaning ‘happy crop’, planted and tended originally by Latins. That’s because Latin people (originally French tin miners i.e. ‘La-Tin’) felt happy when they drank the liquid made with hops (and malt).
The Caring Water Woman
Price: $0.99 USD. Words: 9,320. Language: English. Published: July 7, 2015. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » General
I love Abraham Hicks, they’re fantastic. On one DVD someone says ... ‘it’s a pity you can’t bottle allowing’. Jerry smiled and wrote it down. I, like him, thought that a great idea, so I ran to my lab and tried to figure out a way of isolating and bottling ‘easy life’ which would surely make me gazillions of pounds.
The Amityville Bother
Price: Free! Words: 4,820. Language: English. Published: July 6, 2015. Categories: Fiction » Mashups, Fiction » Humor & comedy » General
I have heard that when Hollywood makes a film about an event that happened somewhere, the only thing that is ‘actual’ is the fact that they used a camera to shoot it with and the rest is all made up for entertainment purposes.
The ‘Well Kept Secret’ Legend of Robin Hood
Price: $0.99 USD. Words: 4,630. Language: English. Published: July 2, 2015. Categories: Fiction » Historical » Medieval
When a place depends on a person or an event to tempt the tourists to depart with the sheckles, it is handy to have a famous person or an event to tempt the tourists to part with the sheckles so the locals can survive Winter, have cars, holidays etc. A lot of places have to lie a lot to make up a good story. Is the story about Robin Hood true? Or is it made up? Who cares eh?
Who’s in the Shack(?)
Series: Tales from the English Lake District. Price: $0.99 USD. Words: 5,950. Language: English. Published: June 9, 2015. Categories: Fiction » Fantasy » Contemporary, Fiction » Science fiction » Short stories
There are public houses in Cumbria which are meeting places for farmers and it is in these places where I heard tell of the Lake District legends; I knew the farmers. It was in that setting that after last orders one night Roger told me the story of the mystery shack, which I thought really good.
Odd Shaped Balls
Price: Free! Words: 4,940. Language: English. Published: June 3, 2015. Categories: Fiction » Anthologies » Short stories - single author
A Quick Flash Rugby History lesson Q: Orange: What came first, the colour or the fruit? Q: What came first? The chicken or the egg? But ... WHY was rugby invented? ...
Two Croaks but no Frogs
Price: $0.99 USD. Words: 5,780. Language: English. Published: May 26, 2015. Categories: Fiction » Horror » General
Both stories are about death, or ‘croaking’ … the frogs therefore made a mistake, but they aren’t very clever so I can forgive them and even afford them a moment of fame.Enjoy the stories, they’re both basically true especially My Mother’s Brain. The first one, set in Egypt could actually happen as the stage is set and one only has to know what some men are like.
The Woman Who Saved Arnie
Series: Tales from the English Lake District. Price: $0.99 USD. Words: 6,240. Language: English. Published: May 13, 2015. Categories: Fiction » Fantasy » Short stories
This little Quick Flash extravaganza is actually ‘two’ Q F extravagan’zaz’. Yes, they have ‘zaz’! Can you believe that?! Two instead of one. Let that great news sink in, try not to faint.
The Eyebrow Hair
Price: $0.99 USD. Words: 7,390. Language: English. Published: May 5, 2015. Categories: Fiction » Fantasy » Short stories
Here’s another Quick Flash offering from our growing collection. The first A feature is about the worth of an eyebrow hair. Sounds stupid? Well, isn’t that good? The second A feature is about a situation that has been experienced by an awful lot of people (or a lot of awful people?). T
A ‘Quick Flash’ Legend from the English Lake District
Series: Tales from the English Lake District. Price: $0.99 USD. Words: 5,240. Language: English. Published: May 3, 2015. Categories: Fiction » Fantasy » Short stories
This Quick Flash story will prove beyond any doubt that posh people from Ancient Egypt have probably enjoyed holidays in the English Lakes, recommended the experience when getting back home and the rest of them with the cash to splash have followed through the ages.
The Irritation
Price: $0.99 USD. Words: 4,330. Language: British English. Published: April 27, 2015. Categories: Fiction » Fantasy » Short stories
Well ‘whoopy doo!’ Here’s another little Quick Flash story.
The Day of the Lugworm
Series: Tales from the English Lake District. Price: $0.99 USD. Words: 4,560. Language: English. Published: April 22, 2015. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » General, Fiction » Fantasy » Short stories
This is a little Quick Flash story about a trip up the North West coast of Cumbria. Readers who live a decent distance away, such as America, will know it as the Lake District. Apart from getting my late mother’s house ready for the market we (Evo and I) also relaxed with a little sea fishing which I grew up doing catching everything from plaice to Mamelukes. Have fun reading it.
Warm Your Cockles
Price: $0.99 USD. Words: 5,040. Language: English. Published: April 14, 2015. Categories: Fiction » Fantasy » Short stories
This is a little bit of fun inspired by a re ... ah! But hang on. That would be telling and it’s in the story. This is another wild and splendiferous ‘quick as a flash story’ like the Green Balloon one, but not short enough to be in the Haiku stable (thank God). It is something you may want to read on your way to work to cheer you up before you get there so you can arrive with a smile.
The Green Balloon - How A Green Balloon Helped Save Mankind
Price: $0.99 USD. Words: 4,970. Language: English. Published: April 1, 2015. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » General
The Green Balloon … a ‘quick flash’ story concerning the greatest gift God gave to man. Something to read on the way to work maybe?
The Boot Tree
Price: $0.99 USD. Words: 17,380. Language: English. Published: March 8, 2015. Categories: Fiction » Horror » General, Fiction » Romance » Short stories
I don’t like ‘write ups’ very much. I therefore suggest that you would read the book and be surprised. Evo said ‘but people may not hang around if you don’t tell them anything about the contents.’ ... I reply, well, there are many good writers out there so they may not hang about if I scribble a proper write up, so what’s the difference. Now please could you get back to the cooking and cleaning.
The Darling Buds of June
Price: $1.49 USD. Words: 13,410. Language: English. Published: January 18, 2015. Categories: Fiction » Historical » Medieval
Don’t make the mistake of thinking that this is a story based in Shakespeare’s time, it isn’t.; there have been enough of those to render the subject boring. This is word caricature of one town in particular.
Having Fun Loving
Series: Wellbeing. Price: $1.49 USD. Words: 13,840. Language: English. Published: December 28, 2014. Categories: Fiction » Romance » General, Nonfiction » Relationships and Family » Emotions
Two little love stories. Both are based on the emotional scale. Both are written about as un-Mills and Boon as is possible. The first is a fun adventure look at what might happen to those who have been broken hearted;dumped maybe? ’ The second, The Binman ... well men would be advised not to let their wives, partners, girlfriends, mistresses etc read it, you have been warned.
Some Games We Souls Like to Play on the Earth
Series: Wellbeing. Price: $1.49 USD. Words: 21,470. Language: English. Published: December 19, 2014. Categories: Nonfiction » Philosophy » New age philosophy, Nonfiction » New Age » Spiritualism
Some parts of this iccle book may make you angry, and anger produces some good games, such as judgement. Judgement is a good game, and you may judge me. Let’s see eh? Come in, come play, the ‘party’ is ready to begin. Remember to bring your body (you can’t hate or laugh or scratch you butt without it).
The Bible According to Monkey Joe
Price: $2.49 USD. Words: 25,560. Language: English. Published: August 17, 2014. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » Satire
As Editor of Sinner’s Monthly Magazine, I can say that this is a decent sin, a fine demonstration of the noble art of bLAUGHSphemy. The idea of making fun of the Bible to upset the Devil is a good idea and I think this is definitely in the bull’s eye. This may rouse the beast from Revelations, the one with the 666 on it’s head, which in turn may turn into something that will beat Godzilla.
Top Dollar Zombies
Price: $0.99 USD. Words: 10,280. Language: English. Published: July 26, 2014. Categories: Fiction » Horror » Undead
These three stories have some awful bits in them. The first one about the zombies has some good parts too, meaning good in the sense of ‘nice’, which is a bit of a change for zombies which tend to go around eating people alive. The second story which features cuckoos is what people might call human nature amplified, so is pretty horrible. The third is the dark the darker side of human nature.
Dead End
Series: Tales from the English Lake District. Price: $1.99 USD. Words: 7,000. Language: English. Published: July 20, 2014. Categories: Fiction » Horror » Weird fiction
The North West of England, off the main tourist trail of the Lake District, is a fairly quiet place, which is why some city people go there for weekends, to chill out. But, go to a country pub and if you can get talking to the locals, or a local who has stories to tell, you may be surprised at what you hear. I’m not talking stuff from the world’s biggest liar competition, this is more intimate.
Marvo The Magical Plumber
Series: Wellbeing, Book 9. Price: $1.49 USD. Words: 12,570. Language: English. Published: July 12, 2014. Categories: Fiction » Fantasy » General
This short story, Marvo the magical plumber, inspired by Woody Allen, was written for an adult audience, (not that it contains anything sexual or violent), but it may also make a good children’s story. The problem could be and, it’s worse than those specific content problems ... if the child asks the adult to explain the word (words actually) ‘.
P.o.r.e 4: Shopping for Mumbo Jumbo
Series: Wellbeing, Book 8. Price: $1.49 USD. Words: 8,820. Language: English. Published: July 10, 2014. Categories: Nonfiction » Health, wellbeing, & medicine » Healing
Shopping for Mumbo Jumbo? What that really means is, having an interesting time and even an amusing time shopping. That’s because wellbeing, or ‘mumbo jumbo’ really means, feeling good. That’s your purpose on earth, to come here on ‘holiday’ and have a good time. When we feel good, it’s called wellbeing (mumbo jumbo). So, come hear some shopping stories. It’s ok, they’re free.
The Story of The Black Grouse
Price: $1.49 USD. Words: 8,920. Language: English. Published: July 9, 2014. Categories: Fiction » Fantasy » General
The Black Grouse is an English hero in Scotland, helping out where the Scottish can’t, mainly due to their love of barley based refreshments. With his team, not only does the Grouse perform well at the Highland games, but also in his mission. The villains are English too, a right mad duo, but are sorted out by the grouse and his friends. The real villain is a Scot,
Shelley and Stoker
Price: $1.49 USD. Words: 18,230. Language: English. Published: July 8, 2014. Categories: Fiction » Horror » Weird fiction
Mary Shelly and Bram Stoker, two great icons who had the human ability ‘afforded’ to some ... the ability to love what they did. Writing though, to both of them was a beloved hobby. Mary Shelley was a maker of things such as tissue boxes, from seashells, so she was self employed and wasn’t normal because she didn’t have a proper job. Her seafront shop was called Shelly’s Shelly Stuff.
England's Ultimate Goal
Price: $1.99 USD. Words: 12,050. Language: English. Published: July 8, 2014. Categories: Nonfiction » Health, wellbeing, & medicine » Mental health
England win the World Cup at long last and also at long last, the fans are happy as are most of England. In wellbeing terms though, happiness begins within. That’s always a bitter pill to swallow for people unfamiliar with wellbeing, ‘like attracts like’, and so one must feel good in order to get good. What about when one feels bad to get good, as football fans usually do?
P.o.r.e. 2 & 3
Series: Wellbeing, Book 7. Price: $1.49 USD. Words: 16,680. Language: English. Published: July 4, 2014. Categories: Nonfiction » Health, wellbeing, & medicine » Mental health
PORE 2 looks at those annoying people, you know, those who are lucky.Everyone I’ve asked ‘believes’ in luck, but that’s the only word they have to describe that state of being. Luck must work a bit like gravity, PORE 3 looks at a couple of ideas regarding deforestation i.e. how to feel good and appreciate it, and more importantly ‘why’.
Skid Marks
Price: $1.49 USD. Words: 24,640. Language: English. Published: June 29, 2014. Categories: Nonfiction » Biography » Autobiographies & Memoirs
The three stars lined up vertically and to the naked eye, looked like lights in a block of flats. The vertical celestial line up was directly above Coventry bus station and was an indication from the Lyra Constellation several light years away. This special line up was telling the people of the West Midlands (and England, probably the world) that the greatest bus driver was to start his training.
P.o.r.e. 1
Series: Wellbeing, Book 6. Price: $1.49 USD. Words: 9,450. Language: English. Published: June 5, 2014. Categories: Fiction » Inspirational
This is a little handbook on life, which isn’t packed with mumbo jumbo stuff. It won’t make you thin or rich or stop you a smoking, which is good because hospitals need patients, they’re their life’s blood (especially in haematology). The little widgy book logically supposes a few weirdo things and, contains some hyperbolic humour. The main logical question isn’t one that is usually asked in pubs.
Please Pray for Me
Price: $1.49 USD. Words: 11,980. Language: English. Published: May 20, 2014. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » Satire
One man was brave enough to take a look at his last forty years of life, decided that it was riddled with sin ... and decided to do something about it. Unable to join the church because of past ‘sin’ thoughts (over 500!), he nevertheless chose to become Christian in his morals and values (and thoughts).
The Secret Life of Hospital Food
Series: Wellbeing, Book 5. Price: $1.49 USD. Words: 19,270. Language: English. Published: April 27, 2014. Categories: Nonfiction » Health, wellbeing, & medicine » Diseases / heart
Have a stroke, it’s easy when you know how. Sit in a bed on a hospital ward and decide whether you should be angry or downhearted or feel blessed. Sit there for hours on end with only a wall and other almost completely stroke-disabled patients to look at. s it a good thing? Is it a bad thing? How is your perspective controlled?
Dragons’ ‘DEN’
Price: $1.99 USD. Words: 13,850. Language: English. Published: February 22, 2014. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » General
Dennis Brown is man whose mind’s connection to the Universe is a bit too good for this world. He’s a fish out of water. He’s lovely and helpful and wants a good life for himself and those close to him and the only way he sees of producing that personal scenario
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Frankie Lassut's tag cloud

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