Frankie Lassut

Biography

Born right on the edge of the Lake District. Fifty metres (yards) further West I would have been in the Irish sea. Spent thirty years there, the first fifteen or so studying hard to get a job in a factory. Got the job in the factory and at the weekends knocked about around the Lake District, which is why you should read my books about them ... don't read the boring ones.
Then I left the area and ended up in Coventry. I had heard that the streets were paved with gold. They were! But, it was a type of gold I'd never seen i.e. it wasn't yellow or shiny and had the texture and looks of dirty concrete. Nevertheless, I decided to sit down and write things. The one book I didn't write was 'How to lose weight by not eating'. It went like this, 'write a best seller and then eat'. Simple formula. I died of starvation and then came back as a zombie, so I wrote a zombie story. Over the years I've wondered why I'm still plump and not a skeleton. I've also wondered why all the crap things that happen to you make better stories than nice things. There again, the crap files are towering above the nice file. If we were talking A4 paper I'd say the four foot pile of crap things tower over the one sheet of the nice thing. You just have to keep going and hope that the great muse of storytelling one day gives birth to you. Does all of that sound insane? That's ok then because I think I am ...
NO I didn't have time to spell check this, so forgive me ... I'll do it later, I promise.

Smashwords Interview

Do you remember the first story you ever read, and the impact it had on you?
Maybe not the first, but I wrote an elongated advert for classical guitar strings; I was heavily into classical guitar for a lot of years and knew most of the world's top professionals. The mind images were hyperbolically crazy like they have always been. I wrote of putting dead fish in the living room and attracting cats ... the rest was a bit messy. I ended up with packs of gut strings I called Pussy Strings. No one wanted to buy any and then all of these players thought I was taking something, which is now my style i.e. 'wodzeon?'
How do you approach cover design?
I always get a mind image and as I'm a photographer too, which helps enormously. I used to draw them, but can't draw. Well I can, but my style is like a child who can't draw.
Read more of this interview.

Where to find Frankie Lassut online


Books

Dragons’ ‘DEN’
Price: $1.99 USD. Words: 13,850. Language: English. Published: February 22, 2014. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » General
Dennis Brown is man whose mind’s connection to the Universe is a bit too good for this world. He’s a fish out of water. He’s lovely and helpful and wants a good life for himself and those close to him and the only way he sees of producing that personal scenario
Housework’s Invisible Gold
Price: $1.99 USD. Words: 25,940. Language: English. Published: February 19, 2014. Categories: Nonfiction » Self-improvement » Personal Growth / General
like having babies, housework is really for women only; blokes won't do it. i'm, not saying that's right or wrong. what i'm saying is that women take the attitude they take because of a lack of understanding. this book is therefore, for women only.
Cheermotherapy
Series: Wellbeing, Book 4. Price: $1.99 USD. Words: 26,340. Language: English. Published: February 10, 2014. Categories: Nonfiction » Health, wellbeing, & medicine » Healthcare issues
People are so scared by this cancer ‘condition’ they get angry and offended at its very mention. People who hate their lives and there are many walking amongst the crowds of happy people in towns and cities, do not help themselves by additionally fearing this dark cloud. Our plague, cancer, we are told is very ‘evil’ ...
Mr Paganini
Price: $1.49 USD. Words: 21,620. Language: English. Published: December 23, 2013. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » Parody
Part 1. It’s the author’s birthday! Time for blank chequebook celebration which include, hog roast, champagne and fireworks ... ‘not’. Someone feels sorry for him and leaves a gift on his step, which will be nice to open at his solo party. The gift though is mega and changes his life. Part 2 tells of the darker, sinister side of the guitar. You probably won’t believe it.
Close Encounters in Cannington
Price: $1.49 USD. Words: 21,660. Language: English. Published: December 7, 2013. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » General
Starting in 1976, until its end in 1993, an event which took place in the agricultural college in Cannington, near Bridgewater, Somerset, stopped ‘local’ aliens from landing there and having a good time ‘researching’, which they had previously enjoyed. This true story is suitable for musicians and music lovers. It isn’t suitable for classical guitarists at all.
The Atomic Shepherd
Series: Tales from the English Lake District. Price: $0.99 USD. Words: 8,820. Language: English. Published: December 5, 2013. Categories: Fiction » Fantasy » Short stories
Each year, the World’s Biggest Liar competition is held at the Bridge Inn at Santon Bridge, way up there in the wilds of the Cumbrian North West of England. Whoever tells the most convincing lie gets the trophy.The book is also filled out with several other stories all suitable for the competition ... the 2013 winner is shown, but not his story of course.
Bed, Knobs and Groom Tricks 2, Sleeping On the Job.
Series: Erotic Distractions. Price: $1.99 USD. Words: 11,780. Language: English. Published: November 17, 2013. Categories: Fiction » Erotica » Couples Erotica
Learning the lesson from the first book, Dubai, I left the toilet door ajar this time and a draught closed it. The last book (Dubai ... well, did you? Dubai it? LOL!) is out there doing its thing, so now, locked in the loo again, I may as well start part 2.
A Little book of Mumagination
Series: Wellbeing, Book 3. Price: $1.49 USD. Words: 4,090. Language: English. Published: November 13, 2013. Categories: Fiction » Holiday » Family
This small book is designed to be read by mums. Hopefully if they like the short imaginative stories, they can then adapt the stories and tell them, in their own words to their child/children using the pictures.Goes hand in hand with Super Nature Imagination and Imagination City, Broken Toy and Thing hospital. Imagination is a powerful tool, nowadays used by sports and businesses alike. Introduci
Imagination City
Price: $1.49 USD. Words: 2,710. Language: English. Published: November 9, 2013. Categories: Fiction » Children’s books » Imagination & Play
I happen to enjoy finding broken and abandoned toys and things on the floor, picking them up, and giving them some time in my hospital before finding them somthing to do ... something which they enjoy. It’s a nice hospital. Very friendly, full of smiles when the patients feel a little better after they have had a rest after being rescued. It’s nice to go for a walk, find a sad face and know that
Bed, Knobs and Groom Tricks, Dubai
Series: Erotic Distractions. Price: $1.99 USD. Words: 6,040. Language: English. Published: November 7, 2013. Categories: Fiction » Erotica » Couples Erotica
You wouldn’t believe it, the toilet door is jammed again. I have nothing to do but wait until the locksmith arrives. Saying that, and idea comes to mind, so I take my notebook from the rear pocket of my diamond and ruby studded jeans and emerald encrusted belt ... and begin to write some erotica. This though is erotica with a difference, so avant garde you will need binoculars to see that garde.
Super Nature Imagination
Price: $0.99 USD. Words: 2,360. Language: English. Published: October 24, 2013. Categories: Fiction » Children’s books » Nature & the Natural World / Environment
Three stories based on a super style of nature from the imagination of the author, which is very child like and so, able to see the beauty of the world in easy to follow ‘short tale form’. The stories have a wellbeing flavour, and Frankie talks about the soul of the tree, and the friendly vibration of the pot figurine. He does all the photography too.
Pineapple Pleasure 2 - Sleeping on The Job
Series: Erotic Distractions. Price: $2.49 USD. Words: 11,610. Language: English. Published: July 28, 2013. Categories: Fiction » Erotica » Gay Erotica
Carl, Tony and their little winged friend Super Fly get together again. This time they travel to lands far and distant in a flying ‘rig’ designed by Super Fly, to a secret lab where a fantastic scientific/electronics expert genius (you wouldn’t believe how he achieved that position) in a secret lab, helps them design the world’s greatest, revolutionary, ‘probably’ sex toy.
Four Tales of Awful Horror
Price: $1.49 USD. Words: 15,390. Language: English. Published: June 16, 2013. Categories: Fiction » Horror » Weird fiction
This is a respectful tribute to the recently passed British horror author, the great, the well loved James Herbert. The four short stories have been written down by Frankie who channels the souls of who were great unknown British horror writers, James Turbot and Stephen Cling. October-Aurora-Sunrise
Hickory Dickory's Mouse Diner
Price: $0.99 USD. Words: 3,910. Language: English. Published: May 27, 2013. Categories: Fiction » Children’s books » Animals
If you have mice that are socially more refined than where you actually live, you may, if you don’t like killing mice with traps (it isn’t very nice, is it), take care of their culinary habits. We’re guessing 8-10 years with the reader age range. Maybe younger might enjoy it (if read with an adult). Adults may like to ‘borrow it and read it’?
The Legend of Billy Big Eyes
Series: Erotic Distractions. Price: $1.49 USD. Words: 7,230. Language: English. Published: May 15, 2013. Categories: Fiction » Erotica » Gay Erotica
One morning, quite a while after his operation, Billy wakes up to find his life has to change. Things change again after his boyfriend has an argument with some fish. A little different from the normal erotica, but less boring (so to speak).
The Fairies of Burpy Glade
Price: $0.99 USD. Words: 3,260. Language: English. Published: March 6, 2013. Categories: Nonfiction » Children's Books » Curiosities & Wonders
A story about some cheeky fairies that have quite an unpopular talent. Perfect for naughty children 'and' cheeky adults. We had to click the fiction button, but, is the story actually 'fiction'?
The Tipsy Trip
Series: Tales from the English Lake District. Price: $0.99 USD. Words: 21,290. Language: English. Published: January 11, 2013. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » General
Frankie has quite a good sense of humour, which on occasion, can raise a smile on people's faces. Since writing a book about his old home town, Millom's strange history, he decided to extend the view to include the rest of Cumbria.
The Gift of Dementia
Series: Wellbeing. Price: $1.49 USD. Words: 26,230. Language: English. Published: August 16, 2012. Categories: Nonfiction » Health, wellbeing, & medicine » Mental health
The people of the world plod along ... and plod along.People are conditioned into ways of life that don’t ‘work’, yet they keep on doing them and keep on doing them, but they don’t work, so they just keep on repeating them, but they don’t work so ... try again. And the same things happen, but we can’t fix them and neither can the people who we give our trust and hope to in order to fix them.
Pineapple Pleasure
Series: Erotic Distractions. Price: $2.49 USD. Words: 4,920. Language: English. Published: August 6, 2012. Categories: Fiction » Gay & lesbian fiction » Gay, Fiction » Erotica » Gay Erotica
(4.00)
Carl and Tony are two gay guys living together in a Civil Partnership.Carl’s dream is to go to Dubai for the holiday of a lifetime, but they have little money, with the only compensation being a good sex life.Is this to be it? A life where they are sexually fulfilled, but broke. It could be worse, but it could be a hell of a lot better too. October-Aurora-Sunrise (Frankie’s PA).
Wonderful Irreverence
Price: $0.99 USD. Words: 40,990. Language: English. Published: July 23, 2012. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » Satire
Irreverence just means a lack of respect. Frankie says this was fun to write. Distractions are short stories to take your mind off the awfulness that is your day. The never ending brain pounding of your work (?), the Olympics, Recessions, unemployment, crime, and a million other things. Have fun. Laugh ... and then try to laugh at your day. October-Aurora-Sunrise (Frankie’s trauma buddy, PA.
The Music of Your Life
Price: $0.99 USD. Words: 18,110. Language: English. Published: June 30, 2012. Categories: Nonfiction » Self-improvement » Confidence and self-esteem, Nonfiction » Health, wellbeing, & medicine » Women's health
For women only (men just don’t get it ... it isn’t soccer or baseball), Do you like your life? Do you know that everything in the Universe vibrates? Did you know that this means you live in an active musical symphony? Did you know that you are a musician in this symphony? Did you know that the music you produce attracts your reality (part of the symphony)?.Read all about it!(I shouted that).
Irreverent Distraction No.6, Beware of the Scientists
Price: $0.99 USD. Words: 6,910. Language: English. Published: April 3, 2012. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » Satire
You read in the paper; ‘drinking red wine may cause cancer, say scientists’ ... so you analyse your red wine intake (and cut down). One month later, you read; ‘red wine may not be a cause of cancer, say scientists’ ... so you up your red wine intake, because you’re ok to do so now ... you’ve been given the all clear by the ‘experts’. But wait! Your ‘red wine soup’ causes cancer ... again
The Parallelogames
Series: Fun and Fantasy, Book 17. Price: $0.99 USD. Words: 10,600. Language: English. Published: March 10, 2012. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » General
It’s 2012! It’s time for the Olympics! Ah but! On an earth ‘twin’ planet, in a parallel Universe, they have a little extra. Someone came up with the bright idea of having Fringe Olympics i.e. various sports here and there which do not, for one reason or another, get to be part of the main events. What the Olympics do for seriousness, the Fringe Games do for ‘fun’. Enter the portal, and enjoy th
Wot's the Matter
Price: $0.99 USD. Words: 10,310. Language: English. Published: February 15, 2012. Categories: Nonfiction » Self-improvement » Personal Growth / Memory Improvement
When you look at the world, you could be excused for thinking, ‘what an awful place’, because of all the things that are happening both to you, and to other people ... few are going to explain that this is a trick, played by yourself, on yourself. Science will try and bamboozle you, religion will flummox you, and ,may even fill you with fear ... over ‘nothing’.
Absurd Tales from the NHS
Price: $3.49 USD. Words: 20,720. Language: English. Published: January 18, 2012. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » Black comedy
The NHS in Britain is in crisis, so this should be an interesting read for those who like hospital dramas. I'm an outsider, but the people from the NHS who have read it have said ... "Too close for comfort." Some from other walks of life have said ... "Well that sounds about true."
The Little Pink Well Being Bible (For Women Only)
Series: Wellbeing, Book 1. Price: $0.99 USD. Words: 11,450. Language: English. Published: January 14, 2012. Categories: Nonfiction » Self-improvement » Confidence and self-esteem
This offering is ‘how to remember you’re a special woman’. All woman are special, they just don’t realise it. Women populate the earth. Men impregnate them, but, that isn’t necessary; the Bible tells us that, twice at least (if you choose to believe that). So, men are there to lift heavy weights and move stuff. This handbook is therefore for women and their children. It consists of some useful wisdom, and some great reasons why you should all have massive, female, self-appreciation.
Eggbertina Presents: Roger, the Talking Vibrator
Series: Erotic Distractions. Price: $1.49 USD. Words: 6,160. Language: English. Published: January 4, 2012. Categories: Fiction » Erotica » Comedy/Humor
EggROTIC stories from my telepathic friend, Eggbertina, the ostrich love egg. Starts with her dictation from Roger, a talking vibrator, and finishes with Swiss watches, just after God tries to patent sex. There’s a great game too from Orgasmo-Corp (International DSS Jobseekers Newstart, Gateway, Global Multinational Corporation), which ladies might like to play at home?
Where There's a Will...
Price: $1.49 USD. Words: 12,480. Language: English. Published: December 30, 2011. Categories: Fiction » Horror » Weird fiction
This is the revised and updated version of A Flower in the Attic. It consists of two horror stories, and two sort of fantasy/mystery stories, both inspired by small events. I hope you enjoy them. Where there’s a will deals with a troublesome mother. Warm your cockles deals with growing cockles, and dangerous animals. A Nice Romantic Man? I hope you enjoy a good love story.
Satan's Advocate
Price: $1.49 USD. Words: 6,840. Language: English. Published: December 24, 2011. Categories: Fiction » Horror » Occult
Satan’s not a bad guy, it’s what he feeds on that’s the problem for humans. Humans though are so entrenched with beliefs that have been fed to them (and boy do they believe ‘anything’), that Satan appears to be the ultimate bad guy. What though if Satan is neutral, and just likes eating? What if the food supply is a non phys ...
Tits Up
Series: Fun and Fantasy, Book 14. Price: $1.49 USD. Words: 16,430. Language: English. Published: December 20, 2011. Categories: Nonfiction » Science and Nature » Environment
Quiet self time is liquid gold time, it is so very precious. No quiet time, and noise prevails inside the human, and that’s the invite to madness, and in many cases, the doorway to the world of therapy. It’s not enough for sleep to be the only escape from an increasingly insane world. Silence is golden. Silence is our true nature.
The Hell-Raising Rock and Roll Adventures of Alice Pooper and Iggy Popsicle
Series: Fun and Fantasy, Book 11. Price: $1.49 USD. Words: 14,590. Language: English. Published: December 2, 2011. Categories: Fiction » Holiday » Adventure
Can two rag dolls of rock gods Alice Pooper and Iggy Popsicle help save the world? Can the two of them persuade governments to stop the rot? We shall see. Rock On Man! Rather controvertial book! For some folk that is.
Mr Splish Splosh and the Silly People
Series: Fun and Fantasy, Book 10. Price: $1.49 USD. Words: 3,270. Language: English. Published: November 28, 2011. Categories: Fiction » Anthologies » Flash fiction
Revenge is designed to make you feel better when you’re angry; it’s one of the rungs on the ladder back to feeling good when you find yourself emotionally somewhere where you don’t want to be. Feeling ‘better’ in a positive fashion is cool, better than being in a negative state, where relief is then necessary for you to get back to positive land.
The Cleaning Lady and The Crystal Bell
Price: $1.49 USD. Words: 14,940. Language: English. Published: November 23, 2011. Categories: Fiction » Fantasy » Contemporary
Most people work hard, which in most cases is an activity they don’t ‘choose’, to get money to do an activity they do choose, such as a holiday, or a Johnny Robinson Concert (Johnny Robinson Rocks!). Work is seen as a necessity, which most people do grudgingly, but they still do it to the best of their abilities if only to avoid a rollocking, or the sack?
The Return of the Pied Piper
Series: Fun and Fantasy, Book 8. Price: $2.49 USD. Words: 33,500. Language: English. Published: November 6, 2011. Categories: Fiction » Anthologies » Transgressional
I finish work for a few days, and get scared because I then didn’t have anyone to think for me. I go up North, but break down on the motorway. I am going to have to pay for a tow or a repair, but my credit card overhears and doesn’t like what it overhears. Why am I going anyway? My mother just spends a couple of days nagging me. Join me on my strange adventure.
One Year in Tibet
Series: Fun and Fantasy, Book 7. Price: $2.49 USD. Words: 29,930. Language: English. Published: October 26, 2011. Categories: Fiction » Holiday » Adventure, Fiction » Humor & comedy » Satire
Fifteen minutes a day training the mind to work at optimum level? I fancy a bit of that. I thought, 'who are the Masters' at this? The Tibetan monks of course. I thought, I'll go there and do the job properly. Peace for twelve whole months! Just me, in a cave, no hassle! Perfect!
Oh, I do like to be beside the sea-side
Series: Fun and Fantasy, Book 6. Price: $1.49 USD. Words: 9,180. Language: English. Published: October 4, 2011. Categories: Fiction » Holiday » Humorous
A lot of people think that people in mental health asylums are there because they have gone mad for some reason, and are therefore locked up to keep them out of so called ‘normal society'. That isn’t quite right; they are there because normal society has driven them mad, and they are actually just downsizing.
The Penis Monologues
Series: Erotic Distractions. Price: $1.49 USD. Words: 6,560. Language: English. Published: September 22, 2011. Categories: Fiction » Erotica » Comedy/Humor
The Vagina Monologues have been around now for a long time, so, it's time the lads had a shot. It's very difficult being a man, to gather research from men, for this topic i.e. "Hello mate, what does Your 'thingy' smell like?" It will be interesting to see what kind of an audience this gets.
Bonfire Night at the Old Country Manor
Price: $0.99 USD. Words: 2,290. Language: English. Published: September 18, 2011. Categories: Fiction » Children’s books » Animals
A short story in a style called 'Adulchi' for parents to read with thier young children or for older children to read by themselves. The story covers the Bonfire Night party that happens on November the 5th each year in England at an old country manor. The resident animals enjoy thier own party in thier own way.
Mind Shift, The Beautiful Art of Inn - vention
Price: $1.49 USD. Words: 9,770. Language: English. Published: August 9, 2011. Categories: Fiction » Holiday » Humorous
INN Ventions are inventions that have been devised in the surroundings of a pub somewhere. There are some really good ones in this collection, one or two that make the marketplace, and even the easy formula inventors use ... ‘and’ a guaranteed way of receiving money both without working, or trying.
The Chuckling Crab
Series: Fun and Fantasy, Book 4. Price: $1.49 USD. Words: 15,350. Language: English. Published: July 17, 2011. Categories: Fiction » Holiday » Humorous
The tantalising story of the Ghost Town's (Coventry) brilliant specialised seafood restaurant, which was made to sparkle by Nim Chana, an alien. The restaurant was a legend in its own lifetime. Mouth wateringly funny!
Erotic Distraction No3.1 The Blue Movie & Louise
Series: Erotic Distractions. Price: $1.99 USD. Words: 6,180. Language: English. Published: June 24, 2011. Categories: Fiction » Erotica » Erotica Anthologies
The author visits a blue movie cinema, gets worked up and passionate. Then a disaster ...
Erotic Distraction No2 Cosmically Ordering Sex from a God with a Devilish Sense of Humour
Series: Erotic Distractions. Price: $1.99 USD. Words: 4,750. Language: English. Published: June 21, 2011. Categories: Fiction » Erotica » Comedy/Humor
(4.00)
I, the author, because I'm a wellbeing speaker. know that God has an 'offbeat' sense of humour.
Erotic Distraction No1 Nessum Dorma
Series: Erotic Distractions. Price: $1.99 USD. Words: 2,890. Language: English. Published: June 19, 2011. Categories: Fiction » Erotica » General
Erotic books all have the same theme, obviously; and the same end. This one deals with the eroticism embedded in Britain's Got Talent, and features a new sex toy invention.
Heart Failure
Price: $1.99 USD. Words: 16,810. Language: English. Published: June 6, 2011. Categories: Nonfiction » Health, wellbeing, & medicine » Diseases
The real life sequel to the Tales from the NHSS. If your life is empty, uninteresting and funless? Then develop hypertension and heart failure and attract some zesty excitement. A true account from the wrong side of the canulae.
The Paprefutu
Price: $0.99 USD. Words: 16,830. Language: English. Published: June 5, 2011. Categories: Nonfiction » Health, wellbeing, & medicine » Vision
A personal empowement book dealing with the aptly named 'mean-time'. The Law of Attraction sets desire into manifestation but this takes time, and most hate the aptly named 'mean' time ... to their utter dissapointment ... but, remembering how to use this meantime to appreciate rather than to hate it.
Vampire Cleaning
Price: $1.49 USD. Words: 20,660. Language: English. Published: May 30, 2011. Categories: Nonfiction » New Age » Spiritualism
Remembering how to appreciate household chores, and realising the power they hold that can benefit your life.
Yorkshire Pudding and Gravey
Series: Fun and Fantasy, Book 2. Price: $0.99 USD. Words: 3,850. Language: English. Published: May 20, 2011. Categories: Fiction » Anthologies » Short stories - single author
The author (me), takes a trip through Yorkshire, passing through Harrogate. He(I)stops, goes to a pub to refresh, meets a local, who then begins to tell him stories about deepest rural Yorkshire. You won't believe them; I don't, and I wrote it.
Happy Juice
Series: Tales from the English Lake District. Price: $0.99 USD. Words: 24,240. Language: English. Published: May 2, 2011. Categories: Fiction » Adventure » General
(5.00)
Frankie, a past inhabitor of the Lake District in England gives a rather different view, and a way of coping with the omnipresent sheep key rings, ice cream van queues and pieces of slate with barometers set in them and models of people climbing them.
Love & Light
Price: $0.99 USD. Words: 3,960. Language: English. Published: April 22, 2011. Categories: Fiction » Romance » General
(3.00)
Two short love stories. Ideal to read whilst commuting gauranteed to soften the heart and make you smile.

Frankie Lassut's tag cloud

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