Frankie Lassut

Biography

THE STORY OF MY CAREER

I told my father that I wanted to be a factory production line worker. He said, “tell your mother” ... from the phone in the job centre which is next door to the betting shop.
I, as instructed, told my mother. She said, rather harshly, from the phone in the mental health centre, “Tell your father!”
I gave up parent stuff and did it myself. I went out ever so determined and landed my dream job, putting wheels on cars. I like the air powered spanner thing, it goes ‘Vweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!’
One Saturday afternoon soon after I started graveyard shifts my parents pulled me aside as I stumbled into the house physically exhausted (I’m small and those wheels are bloooody heavy). They told me that they weren’t happy with my career choice in the present economic climate (my mother liked to watch the news as she drank shorts because of the Dow Jones Index thing which stressed her) and how I should have ‘stuck in’ at school like they did do and got a better job, and that they would prefer it if I was a writer/storyteller and stuff the production line crap as it was far far too uncertain.
I replied, ‘but parents, writing is so uncertain especially in uncertain car plants and those wheel things you can stand on are the next big thing, so, sod writing, I fancy putting bodies on wheels and soon the M1 and M6 will be full of them all speeding along at over 100 miles per hour’. They told me I was insane, mad, crackers, duhhh duhhhh and a lunatic and what would NORMAL people say?! ... Especially as I didn’t know my kilometers and expressed them in ancient miles per hour ... and that I should stick to writing and stop the silly, stuuuupid! Pathetic, laaa laaa head in the clouds talk about factory production line work and silly ‘wheel things’ people with too much money like to buy, or I would never be able to receive stacks of cash to pay the bills and my housekeeping beer and betting money to them and have hundreds put aside for a rainy day because of the ridiculous cost of living. I then said, ok, I’ll pack the factory work in and write and sell books; I would give in to the moral working class social demands of having a proper job and it didn’t matter if it was mind numbingly boring, it was ‘money!’ and that’s what mattered!
They then glared at me and told me that apart from not believing me which they never ever had because I was stuuupiiiid! The real world was an extremely harshy warshy place and they were dead against me getting a car with FOUR wheels although I would be great at changing flat tyres and wouldn’t need the RAC thank God because the membership was too dear. They also asked if I would like an appointment with a nice, sensible doctor they both knew through friends who attended the public health clinics, who would give me something to make me happier and calm me at the same time FOR PITY’S SAKE!
I have to say that snuffing them both out at the same time with two pillows was, apart from an act of love very difficult because I could only concentrate on one arm at at once. I tried and tried pressing hard and concentrating ‘ZEN’ hard with the left hand over my mother’s face which was actually behind the pillow. But the strength vacated my ignored stronger right hand and arm and my father kept pushing the pillow off his face. However I eventually managed my inspired mission by again ZENLY meditating there and then and melding both parts of my mind together as one which evened out the pressure differential (an engineer maybe?!) and now I’m on benefits and am peaceful (economy beans-ville) ... and I feed squirrels in the city to chill. However, I do write to pay the bills, so please buy a book, as at some point as I really have to bury those people and it is really expensive.
By the way, good news! My beautiful parents are on holiday in the tropics with Bear Grylls and I just the other day got a text from him saying they had both been fatally bitten by a deadly Rock Cobra by some rocks by a river. They had been wrinkly skinny dipping and he had buried them in a secret location, he couldn’t remember where. Unfortunate, but I shall report it to the police. I shall text Bear back and thank him for my alibi.
‘Good old Bear!’ That’s what I’d like to say.

Smashwords Interview

Do you remember the first story you ever read, and the impact it had on you?
Maybe not the first, but I wrote an elongated advert for classical guitar strings; I was heavily into classical guitar for a lot of years and knew most of the world's top professionals. The mind images were hyperbolically crazy like they have always been. I wrote of putting dead fish in the living room and attracting cats ... the rest was a bit messy. I ended up with packs of gut strings I called Pussy Strings. No one wanted to buy any and then all of these players thought I was taking something, which is now my style i.e. 'wodzeon?'
How do you approach cover design?
I always get a mind image and as I'm a photographer too, which helps enormously. I used to draw them, but can't draw. Well I can, but my style is like a child who can't draw.
Read more of this interview.

Where to find Frankie Lassut online


Books

The Fairies of Burpy Glade
Price: $0.99 USD. Words: 3,260. Language: English. Published: March 6, 2013. Categories: Nonfiction » Children's Books » Curiosities & Wonders
A story about some cheeky fairies that have quite an unpopular talent. Perfect for naughty children 'and' cheeky adults. We had to click the fiction button, but, is the story actually 'fiction'?
The Tipsy Trip
Price: $0.99 USD. Words: 21,290. Language: English. Published: January 11, 2013. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » General
Frankie has quite a good sense of humour, which on occasion, can raise a smile on people's faces. Since writing a book about his old home town, Millom's strange history, he decided to extend the view to include the rest of Cumbria.
The Gift of Dementia
Price: $0.99 USD. Words: 26,230. Language: English. Published: August 16, 2012. Categories: Nonfiction » Health, wellbeing, & medicine » Mental health
The people of the world plod along ... and plod along.People are conditioned into ways of life that don’t ‘work’, yet they keep on doing them and keep on doing them, but they don’t work, so they just keep on repeating them, but they don’t work so ... try again. And the same things happen, but we can’t fix them and neither can the people who we give our trust and hope to in order to fix them.
Pineapple Pleasure
Series: Erotic Distractions. Price: $1.49 USD. Words: 4,920. Language: English. Published: August 6, 2012. Categories: Fiction » Gay & lesbian fiction » Gay, Fiction » Erotica » Gay Erotica
(4.00)
Carl and Tony are two gay guys living together in a Civil Partnership.Carl’s dream is to go to Dubai for the holiday of a lifetime, but they have little money, with the only compensation being a good sex life.Is this to be it? A life where they are sexually fulfilled, but broke. It could be worse, but it could be a hell of a lot better too. October-Aurora-Sunrise (Frankie’s PA).
Wonderful Irreverence
Price: $0.99 USD. Words: 40,990. Language: English. Published: July 23, 2012. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » Satire
Irreverence just means a lack of respect. Frankie says this was fun to write. Distractions are short stories to take your mind off the awfulness that is your day. The never ending brain pounding of your work (?), the Olympics, Recessions, unemployment, crime, and a million other things. Have fun. Laugh ... and then try to laugh at your day. October-Aurora-Sunrise (Frankie’s trauma buddy, PA.
The Even Thinner Collection
Price: $0.99 USD. Words: 12,530. Language: Commonwealth English. Published: July 9, 2012. Categories: Fiction » Horror » Weird fiction, Fiction » Humor & comedy » Black comedy
This is the first collection from Stephen Cling’s Chizzel House of Horror, the superior cousin to Hammer. In his last book, which he shared with James Turbot, Cling gave such delights as Coo Joe, and Miserly ...written to help Stephen King improve, get richer, and build a bigger fan base. This time he gives you Even Thinner and Firestarter Meets ... can’t tell you yet.
The Music of Your Life
Price: $0.99 USD. Words: 18,110. Language: English. Published: June 30, 2012. Categories: Nonfiction » Self-improvement » Confidence and self-esteem, Nonfiction » Health, wellbeing, & medicine » Women's health
For women only (men just don’t get it ... it isn’t soccer or baseball), Do you like your life? Do you know that everything in the Universe vibrates? Did you know that this means you live in an active musical symphony? Did you know that you are a musician in this symphony? Did you know that the music you produce attracts your reality (part of the symphony)?.Read all about it!(I shouted that).
Irreverent Distraction No.6, Beware of the Scientists
Price: $0.99 USD. Words: 6,910. Language: English. Published: April 3, 2012. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » Satire
You read in the paper; ‘drinking red wine may cause cancer, say scientists’ ... so you analyse your red wine intake (and cut down). One month later, you read; ‘red wine may not be a cause of cancer, say scientists’ ... so you up your red wine intake, because you’re ok to do so now ... you’ve been given the all clear by the ‘experts’. But wait! Your ‘red wine soup’ causes cancer ... again
A Hand in Horror
Price: $0.99 USD. Words: 9,100. Language: English. Published: March 24, 2012. Categories: Fiction » Horror » Weird fiction
Strangely enough, this could almost be looked at as a love story, between men, but certainly not gay (not that there is anything at all wrong with gay). It is not written as a love story, but the writings contained are from two would be teachers, to their undisputed ‘heroes’, written in an attempt to make their heroes even greater. Can a teacher love a pupil?
The Parallelogames
Series: Fun and Fantasy, Book 17. Price: $0.99 USD. Words: 10,600. Language: English. Published: March 10, 2012. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » General
It’s 2012! It’s time for the Olympics! Ah but! On an earth ‘twin’ planet, in a parallel Universe, they have a little extra. Someone came up with the bright idea of having Fringe Olympics i.e. various sports here and there which do not, for one reason or another, get to be part of the main events. What the Olympics do for seriousness, the Fringe Games do for ‘fun’. Enter the portal, and enjoy th
Wot's the Matter
Price: $0.99 USD. Words: 10,310. Language: English. Published: February 15, 2012. Categories: Nonfiction » Self-improvement » Personal Growth / Memory Improvement
When you look at the world, you could be excused for thinking, ‘what an awful place’, because of all the things that are happening both to you, and to other people ... few are going to explain that this is a trick, played by yourself, on yourself. Science will try and bamboozle you, religion will flummox you, and ,may even fill you with fear ... over ‘nothing’.
Erotic Distraction No 4; Agony Grant
Series: Erotic Distractions. Price: $1.49 USD. Words: 19,940. Language: English. Published: February 12, 2012. Categories: Fiction » Erotica » Comedy/Humor
Grant is a self styled Agony Uncle, the world’s greatest; 'probably' doesn’t come into it. Although he doesn’t have any proper customers, Grant (named Agony Grant by his mate Trev), for publicity, uses the work of another famous agony columnist, just to show potential customers what an expert he really is; he has tons of common sense and bucket loads of compassion.Plenty of 'dirty bits inside...
Absurd Tales from the NHS
Price: $3.49 USD. Words: 20,720. Language: English. Published: January 18, 2012. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » Black comedy
The NHS in Britain is in crisis, so this should be an interesting read for those who like hospital dramas. I'm an outsider, but the people from the NHS who have read it have said ... "Too close for comfort." Some from other walks of life have said ... "Well that sounds about true."
The Little Pink Well Being Bible (For Women Only)
Series: Wellbeing, Book 1. Price: $0.99 USD. Words: 11,450. Language: English. Published: January 14, 2012. Categories: Nonfiction » Self-improvement » Confidence and self-esteem
This offering is ‘how to remember you’re a special woman’. All woman are special, they just don’t realise it. Women populate the earth. Men impregnate them, but, that isn’t necessary; the Bible tells us that, twice at least (if you choose to believe that). So, men are there to lift heavy weights and move stuff. This handbook is therefore for women and their children. It consists of some useful wisdom, and some great reasons why you should all have massive, female, self-appreciation.
Eggbertina Presents: Roger, the Talking Vibrator
Series: Erotic Distractions. Price: $0.99 USD. Words: 6,160. Language: English. Published: January 4, 2012. Categories: Fiction » Erotica » Comedy/Humor
EggROTIC stories from my telepathic friend, Eggbertina, the ostrich love egg. Starts with her dictation from Roger, a talking vibrator, and finishes with Swiss watches, just after God tries to patent sex. There’s a great game too from Orgasmo-Corp (International DSS Jobseekers Newstart, Gateway, Global Multinational Corporation), which ladies might like to play at home?
Where There's a Will...
Price: $1.49 USD. Words: 12,480. Language: English. Published: December 30, 2011. Categories: Fiction » Horror » Weird fiction
This is the revised and updated version of A Flower in the Attic. It consists of two horror stories, and two sort of fantasy/mystery stories, both inspired by small events. I hope you enjoy them. Where there’s a will deals with a troublesome mother. Warm your cockles deals with growing cockles, and dangerous animals. A Nice Romantic Man? I hope you enjoy a good love story.
Satan's Advocate
Price: $0.99 USD. Words: 6,840. Language: English. Published: December 24, 2011. Categories: Fiction » Horror » Occult
Satan’s not a bad guy, it’s what he feeds on that’s the problem for humans. Humans though are so entrenched with beliefs that have been fed to them (and boy do they believe ‘anything’), that Satan appears to be the ultimate bad guy. What though if Satan is neutral, and just likes eating? What if the food supply is a non phys ...
Tits Up
Series: Fun and Fantasy, Book 14. Price: $1.49 USD. Words: 16,430. Language: English. Published: December 20, 2011. Categories: Nonfiction » Science and Nature » Environment
Quiet self time is liquid gold time, it is so very precious. No quiet time, and noise prevails inside the human, and that’s the invite to madness, and in many cases, the doorway to the world of therapy. It’s not enough for sleep to be the only escape from an increasingly insane world. Silence is golden. Silence is our true nature.
The Hell-Raising Rock and Roll Adventures of Alice Pooper and Iggy Popsicle
Series: Fun and Fantasy, Book 11. Price: $1.49 USD. Words: 14,590. Language: English. Published: December 2, 2011. Categories: Fiction » Holiday » Adventure
Can two rag dolls of rock gods Alice Pooper and Iggy Popsicle help save the world? Can the two of them persuade governments to stop the rot? We shall see. Rock On Man! Rather controvertial book! For some folk that is.
Mr Splish Splosh and the Silly People
Series: Fun and Fantasy, Book 10. Price: $0.99 USD. Words: 3,280. Language: English. Published: November 28, 2011. Categories: Fiction » Anthologies » Flash fiction
Revenge is designed to make you feel better when you’re angry; it’s one of the rungs on the ladder back to feeling good when you find yourself emotionally somewhere where you don’t want to be. Feeling ‘better’ in a positive fashion is cool, better than being in a negative state, where relief is then necessary for you to get back to positive land.
The Cleaning Lady and The Crystal Bell
Price: $0.99 USD. Words: 14,940. Language: English. Published: November 23, 2011. Categories: Fiction » Fantasy » Contemporary
Most people work hard, which in most cases is an activity they don’t ‘choose’, to get money to do an activity they do choose, such as a holiday, or a Johnny Robinson Concert (Johnny Robinson Rocks!). Work is seen as a necessity, which most people do grudgingly, but they still do it to the best of their abilities if only to avoid a rollocking, or the sack?
The Return of the Pied Piper
Series: Fun and Fantasy, Book 8. Price: $0.99 USD. Words: 33,500. Language: English. Published: November 6, 2011. Categories: Fiction » Anthologies » Transgressional
I finish work for a few days, and get scared because I then didn’t have anyone to think for me. I go up North, but break down on the motorway. I am going to have to pay for a tow or a repair, but my credit card overhears and doesn’t like what it overhears. Why am I going anyway? My mother just spends a couple of days nagging me. Join me on my strange adventure.
One Year in Tibet
Series: Fun and Fantasy, Book 7. Price: $1.99 USD. Words: 29,930. Language: English. Published: October 26, 2011. Categories: Fiction » Holiday » Adventure, Fiction » Humor & comedy » Satire
Fifteen minutes a day training the mind to work at optimum level? I fancy a bit of that. I thought, 'who are the Masters' at this? The Tibetan monks of course. I thought, I'll go there and do the job properly. Peace for twelve whole months! Just me, in a cave, no hassle! Perfect!
Oh, I do like to be beside the sea-side
Series: Fun and Fantasy, Book 6. Price: $1.49 USD. Words: 9,180. Language: English. Published: October 4, 2011. Categories: Fiction » Holiday » Humorous
A lot of people think that people in mental health asylums are there because they have gone mad for some reason, and are therefore locked up to keep them out of so called ‘normal society'. That isn’t quite right; they are there because normal society has driven them mad, and they are actually just downsizing.
The Penis Monologues
Series: Erotic Distractions. Price: $0.99 USD. Words: 6,560. Language: English. Published: September 22, 2011. Categories: Fiction » Erotica » Comedy/Humor
The Vagina Monologues have been around now for a long time, so, it's time the lads had a shot. It's very difficult being a man, to gather research from men, for this topic i.e. "Hello mate, what does Your 'thingy' smell like?" It will be interesting to see what kind of an audience this gets.
Bonfire Night at the Old Country Manor
Price: $0.99 USD. Words: 2,290. Language: English. Published: September 18, 2011. Categories: Fiction » Children’s books » Animals
A short story in a style called 'Adulchi' for parents to read with thier young children or for older children to read by themselves. The story covers the Bonfire Night party that happens on November the 5th each year in England at an old country manor. The resident animals enjoy thier own party in thier own way.
Mind Shift, The Beautiful Art of Inn - vention
Price: $1.49 USD. Words: 9,770. Language: English. Published: August 9, 2011. Categories: Fiction » Holiday » Humorous
INN Ventions are inventions that have been devised in the surroundings of a pub somewhere. There are some really good ones in this collection, one or two that make the marketplace, and even the easy formula inventors use ... ‘and’ a guaranteed way of receiving money both without working, or trying.
The Chuckling Crab
Series: Fun and Fantasy, Book 4. Price: $1.49 USD. Words: 15,350. Language: English. Published: July 17, 2011. Categories: Fiction » Holiday » Humorous
The tantalising story of the Ghost Town's (Coventry) brilliant specialised seafood restaurant, which was made to sparkle by Nim Chana, an alien. The restaurant was a legend in its own lifetime. Mouth wateringly funny!
Erotic Distraction No3.1 The Blue Movie & Louise
Series: Erotic Distractions. Price: $1.49 USD. Words: 6,180. Language: English. Published: June 24, 2011. Categories: Fiction » Erotica » Erotica Anthologies
The author visits a blue movie cinema, gets worked up and passionate. Then a disaster ...
Erotic Distraction No2 Cosmically Ordering Sex from a God with a Devilish Sense of Humour
Series: Erotic Distractions. Price: $1.49 USD. Words: 4,750. Language: English. Published: June 21, 2011. Categories: Fiction » Erotica » Comedy/Humor
(4.00)
I, the author, because I'm a wellbeing speaker. know that God has an 'offbeat' sense of humour.
Erotic Distraction No1 Nessum Dorma
Series: Erotic Distractions. Price: $1.49 USD. Words: 2,890. Language: English. Published: June 19, 2011. Categories: Fiction » Erotica » General
Erotic books all have the same theme, obviously; and the same end. This one deals with the eroticism embedded in Britain's Got Talent, and features a new sex toy invention.
Heart Failure
Price: $1.99 USD. Words: 16,830. Language: English. Published: June 6, 2011. Categories: Nonfiction » Health, wellbeing, & medicine » Diseases
The real life sequel to the Tales from the NHSS. If your life is empty, uninteresting and funless? Then develop hypertension and heart failure and attract some zesty excitement. A true account from the wrong side of the canulae.
The Paprefutu
Price: $0.99 USD. Words: 16,830. Language: English. Published: June 5, 2011. Categories: Nonfiction » Health, wellbeing, & medicine » Vision
A personal empowement book dealing with the aptly named 'mean-time'. The Law of Attraction sets desire into manifestation but this takes time, and most hate the aptly named 'mean' time ... to their utter dissapointment ... but, remembering how to use this meantime to appreciate rather than to hate it.
Vampire Cleaning
Price: $0.99 USD. Words: 20,780. Language: English. Published: May 30, 2011. Categories: Nonfiction » New Age » Spiritualism
Remembering how to appreciate household chores, and realising the power they hold that can benefit your life.
Yorkshire Pudding and Gravey
Series: Fun and Fantasy, Book 2. Price: $0.99 USD. Words: 3,860. Language: English. Published: May 20, 2011. Categories: Fiction » Anthologies » Short stories - single author
The author (me), takes a trip through Yorkshire, passing through Harrogate. He(I)stops, goes to a pub to refresh, meets a local, who then begins to tell him stories about deepest rural Yorkshire. You won't believe them; I don't, and I wrote it.
Happy Juice
Price: $0.99 USD. Words: 24,240. Language: English. Published: May 2, 2011. Categories: Fiction » Adventure » General
(5.00)
Frankie, a past inhabitor of the Lake District in England gives a rather different view, and a way of coping with the omnipresent sheep key rings, ice cream van queues and pieces of slate with barometers set in them and models of people climbing them.
Love & Light
Price: $0.99 USD. Words: 3,970. Language: English. Published: April 22, 2011. Categories: Fiction » Romance » General
(3.00)
Two short love stories. Ideal to read whilst commuting gauranteed to soften the heart and make you smile.

Frankie Lassut's tag cloud

accident    adult    advice    allowing    animals    asylum    attitude    bonfire night    britains got talent    caring    childrens story    chores    cinema    cleaning    climate    confidence    confusion    cosmic ordering    coventry    cramps    cumbria    cynisism    dementia    disgusting    earth    empowerment    energy    erotica    escapism    fairies    fantasy    females    food    freedom    friendship    fun    games    gardening    gay    god    great stories    guide    happy    health    heart failure    help    hidden agenda    high heels    horror    hospital    humans    humor    humour    hunger    ideas    imaginary    inventions    jameater    lake district    lake district england vacation holidays    law of attraction    legend    letters    lies    life    love romance eternal love teamwork marriage humour broken haertedness    madness    males    manifestation    manipulation    meditation    mental health    mind body    money    moneymaking    mummification    music    ocean    office    olympics    opera    orgasmic    penis    pleasure    political    power    problems    rats    relief    repression    research    revenge    sanity    satan    satire    saving    science    scientists    sea    sea food    seafood    self esteem    self help    self improvement    sex    short stories    spirit    strawberries    stress    symphony    the eternal now    tibet    time    time lords    tits    toys    treatment    vagina    watches    work    work relaxation humour    world    yingyang    yorkshire harrogatepublic house wild animals circus breeding trolls