I loved that it was from his point of view, it's refreshing to know the guys side. However, on page eight you began to head-hop, you should have stayed with his pov since the first seven pages were his. The cover is totally wrong for the story. A cover must reflect the story and its characters.
Good job, Brandi! I really enjoyed your story. I'm looking forward to reading more of your work. There are some minor issues, mostly in the last couple of pages. And usually point of view changes are marked with centered astericks, this helps the reader ease into the mind switch we're conditioned to. At least I am.
The story started choppy and too much telling. If you can get past that, it's not a terrible read. There are a couple of sequence issues such as when she gets up off the bed and away from it, she mentions she couldn't find a heartbeat. She never checked for one, but if she had it would have been done before she got off the bed.
The end made no sense whatsoever. She called this guy to see if she could go over, claiming she needed a place to stay as if her couch wasn't an option and his response made no sense neither did hers after that. The story ends abruptly as if it's not finished.
It's an ok read, but could be so much better. The author would do well to hire a proofreader to help with commas, punctuation, and dialog tags. A good critique partner would help flesh out the story a bit more, lesson the stiffness of the writing and tell him that cum is not a verb, but a noun. And hopefully, explain that the use of Tantric is not a bit sexy nor is the explanation during the act. It's like dousing a fire with water.
The story felt incomplete. At the end, I felt like the use of Margaret was no more than a prop. If the story was to be about Kelly experiencing a another man before she married, there are better ways of doing it than starting a senario with someone else and not finishing it. I would have preferred more of the actual story between Austin and the women rather than having been told intentions with no follow through. It's ok to let a reader come to their own conclusions in some situations, but not the main storylines.
On the writing end, like I mentioned for Big Girl Love, there are comma, puncuation and dialog tag issues. The major hiccup for me was the use of the name of Raven Simone who specializes in high class escorts, I had trouble getting past that. I don't like to see high profile professionals used in stories. Also, this author has a tendency to mix tenses which could be corrected with critique partner. I have to rate it 2 stars.
I really enjoyed this story for the most part. Zack and Joanna's relationship is very sweet for their ages and I think it would bring up fond memories for many. I will suggest this story to some of my friends.
Here's why I couldn't give it a five.
There were a few spots where I felt the religious conversations went overboard. Typically, fifteen years olds don't have opinions or real knowledge about abortion issues. They spout off what they've heard and been they must believe so when I hear it, I shake my head. At that age, I don't feel they are capable of having enough knowledge to form their own opinion.
The other part was the impromtu bible study at the campground. It was ok at first, but when Zack brought up gay marriage the whole thing turned into the author preaching rather than sticking with the topic at hand, marriage between Zack and Joanna. I think it if the topic was to be discussed, it could have done at another time once the current lecture had sunk in.
And it bothered me that her father, as religious as he was, didn't once quote the King James Bible.
I would have liked to have seen something toward the end of the story between Zack and his parents. They were pretty much left out of his life. He should have explained his intentions with Joanna, they should have met her parents before the wedding and so on.
I think a good editor or proofreader could have helped improve the writing of the story. 'so' was an over used word I noticed. 'alright' was used quite often and well, it's never accepted - it's not a word.
The last chapter jumped ahead an entire year - it should have been labeled as an epilogue instead of a chapter.
I was rather perturbed that we weren't allowed to see them grow and lose some of the immaturity they had. In this ending - I found the sex to be without real passion. Before when they'd kiss and get passionate, you could feel it. When they are finally allowed to make love on their wedding night, they simply lay down and do it - there is no passionate kissing, no kind of foreplay at all - they simply do it. Where was the pain of her losing her virginity?
I really had a hard time getting through the first page. In face, I didn't. I kept rereading and couldn't get into it. The writing is rough and too stiff. I think if the story had sat for a while and then gone back through with a fresh eye, maybe the writer would have been more relaxed and the story would have reflected it. It'd be worth the time and effort now to do so.
I'm really sorry. I hate to give one star reviews.
However, this book is chaos. D. C. I suggest you pull up the file of the published version you have here and check it out. You'll see what you did.
Also, the story itself doesn't live up to the blurb nor the extended version. It's like the story isn't completed.