Matt Payne


Matt Payne writes Absurd Comedy, Surreal Horror, Psychedelic Mysteries, Sci-Fi Adventures, Stoner Lit, and Books for Freaks.

He's a writer, musician, programmer, pseudo-scientist, bee-whisperer, anarcho-sexbot, and wretched dork.

Smashwords Interview

What is your e-reading device of choice?
I have a kobo.
Describe your desk
I have two wooden desks side by side. One is stacked with reference books, cacti, lamps, and some random clutter (coffee cup, incense). The other holds my keyboard and monitor, plus a shelf with books and electronic stuff (headphones, wires). Both desks are covered in little notebooks full of notes.
Read more of this interview.

Where to find Matt Payne online

Where to buy in print


Go Help Yourself
How do you find your way when every turn is wrought with terror and confusion? How can you find a relationship with God and the economy? Would you like to free yourself from the shackles of your own weakness? Put behind your old life and step into the never-ending future with all my amazing books of TRANSFORMATION!!!


The Adventure Poem of Julius Cinnamon
Price: $4.99 USD. Words: 61,930. Language: Canadian English. Published: July 29, 2017. Categories: Fiction » Adventure » Action, Fiction » Science fiction » Adventure
Assaulted by petty peers, his empire cannibalized from within, Julius Cinnamon must find out who seeks the destruction of his wondrous Agartha. He has a lust for life and a plan that could change the world. His sense of loyalty is matched only by his capacity for revenge. Jump into an unprecedented adventure story.
How To Subvert Your Artistic Ambitions For A Marketing Job
Series: Go Help Yourself. Price: $1.99 USD. Words: 2,700. Language: English. Published: July 9, 2016. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » Satire, Nonfiction » Self-improvement » Creativity
Are you an aspiring artist? Are you ready for marketing agencies to harvest your burgeoning talent by luring you into their cabal of lies? Well this quick and easy how-to-guide will streamline the process of subverting and spoiling your creative energy before you get a chance to share your unique vision with the world. Start making money now, instead of fulfilling your dreams later.
Ten Ways To Make Money Fast
Series: Go Help Yourself. Price: $1.99 USD. Words: 2,430. Language: English. Published: July 8, 2016. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » Satire, Nonfiction » Self-improvement » Personal Growth / Success
Everybody needs money, but not everybody is as smart as you. More importantly, not everybody has this scientifically-normalized "How-To-Guide" for step-by-step money-making. Mathematically, there are steps you can take to actually make more money. Leave your poor friends behind and say hello to your rich friends because you're (honestly) probably going to start making a lot of money really soon.
So You're Stuck in a Murder Mystery
Series: Go Help Yourself. Price: $1.99 USD. Words: 3,110. Language: English. Published: July 8, 2016. Categories: Fiction » Mystery & detective » Amateur sleuth, Nonfiction » Self-improvement » Time Management
Life is full of horrible surprises. And if you ever find yourself trapped in a mansion with your friends getting butchered by an unidentified maniac, you'll have no idea how to respond. This step-by-step how-to guide will make it easy for even the stupidest idiot to maneuver through such an unfolding crime, and to deal with the legal process that will inevitably follow.
The Profit
Series: Go Help Yourself. Price: $1.99 USD. Words: 3,210. Language: English. Published: July 7, 2016. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » Satire, Nonfiction » Self-improvement » Motivation & inspiration
These short fables by self-proclaimed guru Matt Payne describe how we can all transform our lives by earning more profits. The fancy language and amoral tone will delight even the winniest of clyptics.
The Paranoid Adventures of Larry Grank
Price: $4.99 USD. Words: 21,230. Language: English. Published: July 5, 2014. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » Black comedy, Fiction » Horror » Occult
The universe is full of mystery and Larry has the inside scoop. In this collection Larry uncovers secrets about multiple antichrists, alien conspiracies, the Liquid Cult, Jewish people, and exorcism.
Robot God / Hybrid Brain
Price: $4.99 USD. Words: 25,000. Language: English. Published: March 25, 2014. Categories: Fiction » Science fiction » Cyberpunk, Fiction » Science fiction » Short stories
Tten mind-bending science fiction stories. Ranging from theory fiction to action/adventure, these surreal, psychedelic tales will stretch your perspective and squeeze your heart.
Sick Book of Lies
Price: $4.99 USD. Words: 29,270. Language: English. Published: January 22, 2014. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » Black comedy, Fiction » Themes & motifs » Spiritual & metaphysical
A gruesome grimoire of hilarious anecdotes, wonderful tales, impossible bullshit, and good advice. As well as sorcery, spiritual insight, get-rich-quick schemes, and ancient wisdom. Pretty much x-rated.
Real Hector on Mystery Morning
Price: $0.99 USD. Words: 4,750. Language: English. Published: October 28, 2013. Categories: Fiction » Holiday » Adventure, Fiction » Christian » Contemporary
Greg's brother Hector is overseas for their family's special holiday. So they make a new Hector to take his place, but he turns out to be more real than they planned...
Dinosaur Mountain
Price: $2.99 USD. Words: 11,670. Language: English. Published: December 22, 2011. Categories: Fiction » Adventure » Action
Join Dr. Maverick Branderdash as he evades the law and pursues justice. Join him as he flees and skis down Dinosaur Mountain, a magically never-ending ski-hill where anything can happen! Will nonsense-poetry eat his mind? Will he allow the tyrannical Giant Candycane to rule the slopes? Will Detective Trent drag Maverick to jail? Will the doctor ever find a way off Dinosaur Mountain?

Matt Payne's tag cloud

Matt Payne's favorite authors on Smashwords

Smashwords book reviews by Matt Payne

  • The Monster on Dec. 30, 2011

    This is a fun little moster-tale. It would be good for kids.
  • Brain Waves: Secrets of Reality on May 28, 2012

    I really enjoy metaphysical musings from thoughtful people. That's what this is: stylistic metaphysical musings from someone with knowledge of science and insight into the mind. It's fun to read, aphoristic in the style of Nietzsche (though not as compelling... or devestating). A fun piece of introspection for anybody who has ever pondered consciousness and the universe. Honestly, stuff like this is the reason I bought an e-reader. Works of art that are totally worth reading, but which a publisher probably would never touch.