I really blame myself for now having wasted ten minutes of my life. I should have known from the first sentence--of which the author used "with" six times in almost rapid succession--that it was going to turn out bad. I should have quit after the second sentence when I discovered the first of many typos "Michelle was stood there naked".
Call me crazy, I kept reading...this bland, choppy, sterile story that is completely devoid of passion, talent or focus. This entire thing seems as though it was written by a second grader blazing through an assignment so he can go back to Xbox. You know the stories I'm talking about. "I have a dog. My dog's name is Sam. My dog Sam is brown". Need an example? Here: Michelle was in a night club standing at the bar when a woman with auburn hair, walked over and introduced herself as Sarah. Sarah is 6’2” tall with long auburn hair, brown eyes and a slim figure. Sarah was also wearing stockings with high heels with a strapless and shoulder less dress. Michelle wasn’t a lesbian and had no intention of going home with Sarah.
And I would love to say it picked up, when it actually got into the "erotic" portion, to salvage my attempt at the illusion of sanity but I can't make that claim. There's no description, a varied, jarring shift of narratives and tense, repetitious words and a ridiculous coat of gloss. At one point Sarah is working Michelle over, you think it's going to get good and in a single sentence several hours are summed up--in about as many words--and you get nothing, just that Sarah brought Michelle to orgasm. And you don't even get a description of that. No writhing, moaning, a squirt. Nada. It goes on like that for four more pages. It starts to get good...well, at least better than it was and then WHAM! it just quits, goes back into the boring dialogue. To use a description from a very talented writer I saw a long time ago: It's like trying to run a two-hundred yard hurdle when you're not allowed to jump. You find your groove, begin to sprint, smack. Get going again, settle your footing, smack. Pick up the pace, smack. Smack, smack, smack the entire time.
It's realistic, sure, and a plausible situation but I've read that a thousand times by far better writers than her.
This is just your prototypical story of going through the motions. I know that "telling not showing" is a popular term on here and Ribbon is the epitome of it. I could go on but what's the point. The book is free, see for yourself.
Saying this as a compliment, and I hope you take it that way, but this is by far one of the most eloquent erotica novels I've ever read.
Your descriptions both in the physical nature of your female character and the...dirty portion are phenomenal. And it wasn't raunchy. Used a lot of varying language for parts so you weren't dropping the f, c and p word constantly. That gets annoying.
And I love the set up. There are two kinds of writers in this genre. Ones that get right into it, and ones that build the story up, make you attach and care about the characters. This was the latter, and that's the type I prefer. It's a size worthy of the price, compared to what's out there but it has a background that serves as a lure, an enticement so when we finally get to that portion we're all waiting for it seems all the more worth it. Incredible.
I'm not sure how long you've been at this seeing as it's your first publication but you have a style and flow that a pro would be jealous of. I wonder and not trying to call you out but I have considered you have other works on here under a different name.
Sorry. Excellent work all around. I am really looking forward to your next piece. And please use that same girl for the cover. ;)