In his formative years Alex O’Connell deserted from the French Foreign Legion after mistaking it for the British Legion and finding that it was far from an ideal place to find cheap beer and a quiet game of dominoes with the lads. Despite the bad memories, he still finds himself singing Le Boudin when he’s drunk. He is unsure whether he would be permitted to enter Canada and uses it as an excuse for avoiding Belgium.
Rumour has it that he was thrown out of the Cork affiliate of the LA street gang the Crips for being way too mean. But as O’Connell sagely says, you shouldn’t always listen to rumours.
To his enduring shame, in 2008 he was blackballed by the Hell’s Angels after turning up for a Chapter meeting on his BMX bicycle, explaining that his Raleigh Chopper was being serviced by his friend Eddie. This is not likely to be true as Eddie denies even knowing O’Connell.
Satanists and the Catholic Church are united in their condemnation of O’Connell. The Satanists have excommunicated him but this is a step too far for the Catholics who fear his reprisals.
O’Connell’s wife has asked for a divorce for her birthday for the last three years but he has always ended up getting her something cheaper. His children, Dubhlainn, his favourite, the other boy and the girl, Deirbhile, all claim that they are adopted.
Unsurprisingly, O’Connell doesn’t like to talk about himself much.
He is available for weddings, christenings and bar mitzvahs and works cheaply.
Alex O’Connell lives in fear of vampire attacks. He believes his special O-negative blood group makes him an especially attractive target.
‘O’Connell’s my kinda guy. I’d fix him a Daiquiri and take him marlin fishing. I could listen to those vampire stories of his for hours… well until about 9ish. After that I get a bit tired.’