Thomas P. Hanna


After years of teaching high school and then college biology I retired to write. I am back living in the Philadelphia, PA area where I was born and raised.


Dear Esteemed Customer Letters
Sets of 150 deliberate lies posing as letters alleged from various companies, businesses, professionals, or government agencies. They are exaggerations to evoke guffaws, giggles, and head scratching. None is a veiled reference to any actual company, business, professional, or government agency. Sample them anywhere, there is no intended progression of ideas, styles, or other factors.
Indianapolis Smithe Adventures
Saskatchewan Indianapolis Smithe (Polie to friends and foes), is an honorary curator of the Thyemaster Museum of Science and Man-Made Arts where he often accidentally causes chaos.


Bits & Pieces TV Skit Show: Episodes 01-05
Price: $4.99 USD. Words: 34,730. Language: English. Published: August 6, 2020. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » General
This book is modified scripts for a family friendly, never topical, TV skit show. The skits seldom have any topic in common and none that extend beyond part of one episode. They are intended to be somewhat silly short breaks in our stressed lives.
Sloppy Copy: Episodes 01-04
Price: $6.99 USD. Words: 68,470. Language: English. Published: July 25, 2020. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » Satire
Smiles, smirks, and points to ponder while you relax a bit served up in quick doses in a TV magazine show format by four cohosts.
The Coat Virus
Price: $6.99 USD. Words: 63,030. Language: English. Published: June 29, 2020. Categories: Fiction » Adventure » General
A jealous hypnotist starts a chain of confused claims that pit three con persons, a pleasant oaf, two scientists, and a hunk in a tale of comic reversals involving self-moving coats..
Dirty Nests
Price: $5.99 USD. Words: 67,560. Language: English. Published: May 29, 2020. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » Satire
Two con men hope to pre-sell Pooplex Building Blockes, made from disposed of disposable diapers, and run with the money. When a mobster, an all female gang tracking missing diamonds, a radio reporter posing as State Fraud Inspector, and a real one of those get interested, things get more complicated than originally intended.
The Witch's Assistant
Price: $4.99 USD. Words: 33,360. Language: English. Published: May 10, 2020. Categories: Fiction » Fairy tales
King Norval will not accept that Lucinda does not have a magic stone and puts her family in the dungeon to force her to give it to him. She gets work to earn gold to pay ransom for her family and gets important allies who help her deal with him.
A Princess, a Pauper and a Frog Named Fred
Price: $4.99 USD. Words: 33,170. Language: English. Published: March 29, 2020. Categories: Fiction » Fairy tales
A magical giant talking frog, a pauper with a gift from a wizard, and a princess willing to change brighten the future of their kingdom.
Mistress Pleasing Calls a Unicorn
Price: $4.99 USD. Words: 31,220. Language: English. Published: March 18, 2020. Categories: Fiction » Fairy tales
Good Witch Mistress Pleasing must use her powers and the help of her friends to stop an evil Wizard from stealing great magic power from a unicorn.
In Ed's Head
Price: $6.99 USD. Words: 89,260. Language: English. Published: December 4, 2019. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » Satire
Ed's quirk is that he promptly reimagines events he sees in odder and funnier versions. Mrs. Awfler wants his head, with or without the rest of him, to market his ability.
Santa's Elf Hall of Fame
Price: $2.99 USD. Words: 8,530. Language: English. Published: November 17, 2019. Categories: Fiction » Children’s books » Fairy Tales & Folklore / Adaptations
Meet twelve Elves you never heard of before who chose to help Santa with work and magic back in the early times before he became a public figure.
Orphan Books: Volume One
Price: $5.99 USD. Words: 60,290. Language: English. Published: October 23, 2018. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » Black comedy
A for-laughs list of 216 book proposals never submitted to publishers where they would and should have been passed on.
Hell Hath Frozen Over
Price: $7.99 USD. Words: 90,430. Language: English. Published: October 6, 2018. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » Satire
Humans who exorcise demons passing as humans decide to organize mass volunteer exorcism rites when they interpret a message in the sky to mean the devils have become more vulnerable. The devils fight back.
A Primer On Word Twitchery
Price: $6.99 USD. Words: 76,610. Language: English. Published: March 24, 2018. Categories: Nonfiction » Self-improvement » Abuse
This book reminds you that your main protection from the lies and distortions among the noise is your own alertness and careful choices about where you invest your votes and dollars. Others can seldom require you to do things but can try to persuade you - and you can say no.
"Family Fake-Out" and Other Stories
Price: $6.99 USD. Words: 100,490. Language: English. Published: February 9, 2017. Categories: Fiction » Thriller & suspense » General
Ambitious adult children try to lure wealthy relatives into danger to inherit soonest but the intended victims are aware and have their own plans. A mobster tries to use his family to lure the only witness against him into the open to silence him. A man playing God demands ransom to stop his pious fool tool from killing more innocents at dance clubs.
"Hot Tub Powwow" and Other Stories
Price: $5.99 USD. Words: 85,840. Language: English. Published: February 1, 2017. Categories: Fiction » Thriller & suspense » General
“Hot Tub Powwow”: Three dead men in a hot tub seem to have shot one another. “A Star Too Bright”: a performer is found murdered in a dressing room as she is seen on TV driving off outside the theater. “Paternal Reaction”: Dad searches for his sons suspected of abducting a toddler. “Mayan Marvel Plan”: The tutor fears two boys are to be used in an occult ceremony very soon. Can he protect them?.
The Glory of St. Ebans
Price: $5.99 USD. Words: 63,820. Language: English. Published: December 3, 2016. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » General
A local industry in the village of St. Ebans, named for its patron saint, is a scam to shake down tourists in his name. Then a man claiming to be St. Ebans returned from heaven arrives to protest his name being abused that way. News of that brings mobs of tourists while the local priest, the Mayor, the Bishop, and others try to sort things out while doing the least damage to the Church.
"Love Drug Connections" and Other Stories
Price: $5.99 USD. Words: 74,890. Language: English. Published: November 25, 2016. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » General
Seven unrelated tales for adults played for laughs. Nothing crude or porno, just consenting adults talking about sex in three stories. An aphrodisiac; will the project die too when an indie film’s backers die?; an office mate may be a call girl; and an interview with Beelzebub are topics.
Dear Esteemed Customer Letters, Volume Two
Series: Dear Esteemed Customer Letters. Price: $5.99 USD. Words: 55,430. Language: English. Published: November 21, 2016. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » Satire
Another set of 150 deliberate lies posing as letters alleged from various companies, businesses, professionals, or government agencies. They are exaggerations to evoke guffaws, giggles, and head scratching. None is a veiled reference to any actual company, business, professional, or government agency. Sample them anywhere, there is no intended progression of ideas, styles, or other factors.
To The Rescue
Price: $5.99 USD. Words: 61,970. Language: English. Published: November 21, 2016. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » General
Roger uses the innocent help of Gwen to enter the Mob’s office and exit disguised as “Mabel”. Mobsters identify Gwen as someone they need to talk to. That sets off a series of actions with narrow escapes in which Roger rescues Gwen - or she rescues him. After this can they get romantically involved?
Dear Esteemed Customer Letters, Volume One
Series: Dear Esteemed Customer Letters. Price: $5.99 USD. Words: 59,680. Language: English. Published: October 13, 2016. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » Satire
This is a book of deliberate lies. The letters alleged by the title to be from various companies, businesses, professionals, or government agencies are fakes, each and every one. They are exaggerations to evoke laughs None is a veiled reference to any actual company, business, professional, or government agency. Enjoy them for the general silliness but don’t look for hidden meanings.
Galaxy Tours to Dis-Astra
Price: $5.99 USD. Words: 66,140. Language: English. Published: August 11, 2016. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » Parody
A space tour company’s charter trip to a far place is complicated by among other things: the ship’s computer with a headache and hallucinating, suspicions that the ship is being used to smuggle contraband, pirates posing as the band, a Guru with a secret agenda, and a mysterious huge cube of cubes being shipped as freight.
Two Cons, Some Clowns, and a Cop
Price: $5.99 USD. Words: 62,440. Language: English. Published: August 9, 2016. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » General
Two convict workers pretend to escape from a work detail to panic all those involved in illegally using and annoyingly abusing them. At a shopping mall they mingle with several groups of clowns while repeatedly changing their appearance enough to avoid those looking for them - especially a bumbling cop with a personal grudge against them.
Let Yourself Be Happy
Price: $5.99 USD. Words: 89,740. Language: English. Published: June 23, 2016. Categories: Nonfiction » Self-improvement » Personal Growth / General
You make a deliberate decision each time whether to let yourself feel happy so focus on the reasons to feel that way and opt to enjoy life more without doing more than choosing to do so. You can find many things to be happy about even among stuff otherwise having the opposite effect on you simply by focusing on the good parts.
The D.O.W.N.E.R. Center
Price: $7.99 USD. Words: 147,130. Language: English. Published: January 17, 2016. Categories: Fiction » Thriller & suspense » General
The world’s first public aquarium made to display deep-ocean species is rushed into use when a mysterious large deep sea creature is caught. Hasty and dumb decisions and an unexpectedly complex and dangerous catch threaten to make the Center’s first day of use its last. The inexperienced staff must protect themselves and try to protect the city as the place threatens to come apart at the seams.
"Action In Motion" and Other Stories
Price: $6.99 USD. Words: 117,070. Language: English. Published: August 21, 2015. Categories: Fiction » Anthologies » Short stories - single author
In these stories keeping someone’s location secret is critical to someone else’s plans. Kidnappers hide their victim by riding the subways with him as their demands are considered. A man murdered by a drug gang testifies against them. A foreign dictator is thwarted by hiding the diplomat he wants to kill. Someone uses his bank safe deposit box to kill a man - then gets copycat payback.
"Funny Fungal Diplomacy" and Other Stories
Price: $6.99 USD. Words: 115,100. Language: English. Published: July 11, 2015. Categories: Fiction » Anthologies » Short stories - single author
Diverse fictional adventures with funny bones. A diplomat’s sudden great weight gain puts her mission in danger. A woman being hassled using look-alikes plays the same game. What might be a boulder - or a spaceship - flies away and the chase it on. The military and industry are interested in what might be a virus that makes clothing dance on its own.
"Surprise Moves" and Other Stories
Price: $5.99 USD. Words: 93,080. Language: English. Published: June 24, 2015. Categories: Fiction » Anthologies » Short stories - single author
These eight stories, two of novella length, are about people and their foibles more than about machines or schemes, although those may be involved with emphasis on the humorous elements. There is funny stuff going on in a train sleeper car, a doctor’s office, a walnut grove, an office building lobby, and an unrented office.
"A Simple Defense" And Other Stories
Price: $6.99 USD. Words: 120,330. Language: English. Published: June 6, 2015. Categories: Fiction » Anthologies » Short stories - single author
Four novellas about: A Beast that can’t survive in visible form in the light; A creature that awakens every 150 years to feed and learn to pass as human; That the how-to directions for calling up monsters from other dimensions don’t tell how to then control them; and people partying and then dying as they most feared they would.
Scoundrels, Schemers, and Some Special People
Price: $6.99 USD. Words: 90,440. Language: English. Published: March 17, 2015. Categories: Fiction » Anthologies » Short stories - single author
In these 14 unrelated stories a cast of good guys and gals and a parade of con men and women give and take in their routine lives. Most are ordinary enough people who are though schemers to a degree at least in domestic matters. A few are nasty and true scoundrels on top of that. All those tales capped off by a clarification from someone present on that infamous day in the Garden at Eden.
"Charlie Doll" and Other Stories
Price: $5.99 USD. Words: 86,010. Language: English. Published: March 11, 2015. Categories: Fiction » Thriller & suspense » General
In each story someone gets a surprise, often an unpleasant one, that alters his or her chances of success or even survival. A few get the satisfaction of revenge or relief but most get their comeuppance. Some stories involve science fiction or scientific fiction elements. Deception, greed, opportunism, applied psychology, curiosity, and/or chutzpah are common human factors in all of them.
Mistress Pleasing In the Wizards Contest
Price: $4.99 USD. Words: 35,370. Language: English. Published: March 9, 2015. Categories: Fiction » Children’s books » Legends, Myths, Fables / General
The good witch Mistress Pleasing must thwart the wizard Kluklicks who is trying to obtain the last piece of a shattered special stone that should give him great magical power when reassembled. He expects to win the piece in a contest of magic skills. The contests are held and the pieces assembled with only the wizards and their helpers understanding what is actually at stake.
Ant Hill
Price: $5.99 USD. Words: 64,210. Language: English. Published: March 8, 2015. Categories: Fiction » Adventure » General
Personalities, ambitions, facts, lies, and distractions are involved as Nac and Kar, the ant colony’s two major players, debate whether to develop thermofungal energy technology which could get out of control in only an instant and destroy them all. It becomes academic when a fungal spore accident causes devastation and a dissenter group hold the essential material to prevent complete disaster.
Crash and Go
Series: Indianapolis Smithe Adventures. Price: $5.99 USD. Words: 98,780. Language: English. Published: December 10, 2014. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » Parody
“Polie” Smith and evil entrepreneur Dolores Hollister, who wants to own any alien technology therein, investigate whether the object in a farm field in a crashed flying saucer. Cultists who think this might be a sacred item complicate things. When the object moves itself to a cliff face in Venezuela they all follow it - only to find that trying to control it is risky business.
Funny Money
Price: $5.99 USD. Words: 81,660. Language: English. Published: September 9, 2014. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » General
Small-time con man Sylvester Pernell expects to live the winter off minor scams he plans for the train trip to Miami but that doesn’t go well. When he must make several train trips carrying suitcases of cash for a mobster, some counterfeit but he doesn’t know it, with others determined to steal those bags he must use his smooth talk, cleverness, originality, and chutzpah to survive and succeed.
The Drackenmire Ghouls Aid an Ogre-Eater
Series: Drackenmire Ghouls Adventures, Book 2. Price: $6.99 USD. Words: 98,530. Language: English. Published: July 17, 2014. Categories: Fiction » Adventure » General
The butler Jeeves and the ghouls who employ him go on high alert when various strange happenings seem to mean that a Remo, a REally Mean Ogre, will soon cause massive destruction. When Eleanor of Asparatame says she is trained as an ogre-eater, an ancient order of humans who protect humanity from nasty creatures like a Remo, the family back her in the battle to the death that can’t be avoided.
Rent a Hard-Body
Price: $6.99 USD. Words: 99,790. Language: English. Published: May 29, 2014. Categories: Fiction » Thriller & suspense » General
Bodybuilder Max Engler “rents” himself to paying clients who get to share his sensations during his workouts via high-tech devices - while mobsters demand money from him and then try to kill him. Max discovers that the devices give those using them a degree of control over one another’s moves, even complex learned and polished motor skill sequences, which he uses as his big surprise defense.
Granny Glue and the Cult of Karol
Series: Techie Heroes. Price: $5.99 USD. Words: 75,540. Language: English. Published: April 1, 2014. Categories: Fiction » Thriller & suspense » General
Disguised as elderly and innocuous Granny Glue, chemist Pamela Princeton investigates, then sneaks into a secret cult facility with a cart of supplies where high-tech workers are being used as slave labor. Using her array of specialty glues, she shakes things up enough for the place to almost literally fall apart around Karol, the cult’s leader but can she and the innocent workers get out alive?
Phone Man Seeks the Earwig
Series: Techie Heroes. Price: $5.99 USD. Words: 81,620. Language: English. Published: March 4, 2014. Categories: Fiction » Adventure » General
This earwig is a high-tech device someone puts in your ear to take control of your actions. Bint Uldrich, AKA Phone Man, travels through the phone wires to investigate who is using them and why - and how to stop her. When he has one shoved in his own ear what should make him helpless makes him more determined to use high-tech and low-tech surprises to reverse the situation.
Mockingbird In the Municipal Garage
Series: Techie Heroes. Price: $5.99 USD. Words: 75,720. Language: English. Published: February 28, 2014. Categories: Fiction » Adventure » General
Dred Faraday and his invention that lets him echo-locate, listen from afar, and play back and synthesize a wide range of sounds must keep three kidnappers forced by circumstances to hide in a three level municipal garage overnight from harming their child hostage. The boy is safe as long as his captors believe no one knows where they are so Faraday must use sounds to convince them of that.
Voops! Like Mother, Like Daughter
Price: $6.99 USD. Words: 114,870. Language: English. Published: November 28, 2013. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » General
Being suspended from school destroys Fiona’s strange home life with arm’s-length custodians. Those who knew her parents and rush to her defense consider that a blessing since it lets her learn about her family and opens many possibilities for her. Her supporters are repeatedly struck by the similarities in the ways she and her mother reacted and decided even though separated when Fiona was four.
Price: $7.99 USD. Words: 152,170. Language: English. Published: November 25, 2013. Categories: Fiction » Horror » General
Fear of electricity leaking from sockets to kill you goes nova when a Zooidial Autonomous Parasite or ZAP emerges from wires and kills people by dissolving their brains. Crazy, nasty Dakim wants to trap it so he gleans insights from those dreaming about ZAPs. He sets up dreamer Sheenan to help, but double-crosses him, intending him to die. Sheenan survives long enough to set up his own surprises.
The Curse of Hairy Palms
Series: Curses of Merk McNeap, Book 2. Price: $5.99 USD. Words: 100,930. Language: English. Published: September 25, 2013. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » General
To her delight, Big Momma Turnyipp’s curse makes Merk McNeap grow thick fur on his palms and soles. He needs her to end the spell so he must defend her from weird cultists aiming to sacrifice her to their god. After much running, driving, and climbing around Merk assumes a strange identity to try to save her - and triggers a switcheroo she carelessly set up against her and hopes for the best.
The Drackenmire Ghouls' Treasure Trickery
Series: Drackenmire Ghouls Adventures, Book 1. Price: $6.99 USD. Words: 97,340. Language: English. Published: April 23, 2013. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » General
The butler Jeeves and the ghouls who employ him work with two greedy humans (who intend to keep it all for themselves) to retrieve the treasure stolen from the ghouls back from a ruthless mid-level mobster and his even more ruthless boss. They are happy to dish out some payback in the process. It’s thrills, chills, chases, and laughs among the undead and the humans who want to stay that way.
A Master of Persuasion
Price: $5.99 USD. Words: 75,320. Language: English. Published: April 2, 2013. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » General
Larry Ritter sets out to persuade every person in a small town to wear a gaudy bandanna without knowing the details of why. Using several aliases and playing on the quirks of some local characters he spins yarns, makes promises, and suggests why certain people will benefit from being part of this one time only special event. Only he knows that a single holdout could ruin it for him.
Miriam Marston's Poltergeist
Price: $6.99 USD. Words: 81,870. Language: English. Published: January 11, 2013. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » General
With the impending loss of the house she shares with a prankish poltergeist to a road project, Miriam Marston uses her wiles, her allies, and the power of minor celebrity to fight City Hall. She faces off against humiliation, a housemate she can’t reliably control, personal tragedy, a neighbor with a shotgun, and official corruption to set a good example while she tries to save Oakview Avenue.
Tales of Roger, a Humandroid
Price: $5.99 USD. Words: 90,160. Language: English. Published: January 11, 2013. Categories: Fiction » Gay & lesbian fiction » Gay
Noah buys Roger, a humandroid, as his gay companion and sex toy but the lifelike fully functional Roger is so versatile, witty, and has so much personality that he amazes, amuses, and complicates Noah’s whole life with laughs, tears, fears, drama, and dangers. Many of the complications of a live partner plus a few unique to his special nature.
The Masters' Orb: An Indianapolis Smithe Adventure
Series: Indianapolis Smithe Adventures. Price: $5.99 USD. Words: 67,040. Language: English. Published: December 3, 2012. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » Parody
“Polie” Smithe finds a ceramic shard that might be of ET origin and sets off to find the rest. By weird logic he locates the two other pieces and obtains them by daring and strange moves. He learns some secrets of the reassembled Orb - only to have it alter itself in a way that makes it more of a mystery but less obviously useful to the Army General or the tycoon who have also been seeking it.
Space Depot: The Two Trub Trouble
Price: $4.99 USD. Words: 41,990. Language: English. Published: November 18, 2012. Categories: Fiction » Adventure » General
The Lawford family must deal with the first intergalactic vacationers to arrive via the new depot device in their back yard. The family learn fast that these visitors, two uncooperative Trubs, will test their nerves and patience by putting themselves and the travel program in danger. When this is over the Lawfords have an idea of what this job entails to decide if it’s worth the rewards.
The Curse of Sticky Fingers
Series: Curses of Merk McNeap, Book 1. Price: $5.99 USD. Words: 94,850. Language: English. Published: November 18, 2012. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » General
Merk McNeap tries to lift a wallet to get money owed him but gets the wrong one and a curse - the wallet sticks tight to his hand. To break the spell he must protect the wallet’s owner from the angry men her son is cheating. After much comedic running around Merk suggests a solution to the business dispute and is rewarded by the woman who cursed him - who enjoyed hassling him and plans more.
Holy Hostages!
Price: $6.99 USD. Words: 123,620. Language: English. Published: October 13, 2012. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » General
When the inept Clarkson gang take a convent full of nuns hostage for ransom they face the challenges of diocesan bureaucracy, an angry mob intent on lynching them, and Mother Thelma (their biggest problem, but also at times an ally) to survive and profit from this. The gang planned many things out in advance but of course events don’t follow their plans and they must work it all out on the fly.
Stuck In the Center
Price: $4.99 USD. Words: 35,690. Language: English. Published: October 13, 2012. Categories: Fiction » Children’s books » Fiction
The three young Barkley kids (12,9, and 5) are accidentally locked in the large urban Harding Commerce Center at closing. The kids must then protect themselves by helping the automated security systems, a bumbling repairman, a narcoleptic homeless woman, and two Center employees to thwart three bank robbers who want the kids as hostages when they are discovered and the police arrive.
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