Tokyo, From One to Infinity

Like moths to a flame! Normally, I would be flattered to be approached by some pretty young thing at a nightclub, but have been known to take exception to some lines of questioning… An introduction to the "Tokyo, From One to Infinity" series.

Take an ordinary Australian boy, add some breakfast cereal, send him to school, and see what happens… Was it fate that led me to become a permanent resident of Japan, or am I simply another example of permissive parenting gone wrong? One man’s story of how he became a pioneering, expatriate law professor in Japan despite having no family connections to this country.

If your name is John or you have ever known someone called John, then you will be well aware of the persecution we suffer in supposedly politically-correct countries such as America. Even in Japan, I am sometimes treated like a dog! Is this fair? We Johns of the world do not expect sympathy, but surely we deserve some respect?

There goes my knighthood! I am probably no more closely related to Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge than you are, but that has not prevented her from unwittingly encroaching upon some of my territory here in Japan or me from discovering a tenuous link between our families that is sure to impress the literati. Some Middletons really sparkle!

Just when you thought it was safe to dine out… Sometimes it is better not to know those secret ingredients in the food and drinks we consume, but in some circumstances, such lack of knowledge could kill us. When it comes to food poisoning, no one is immune and nowhere is safe! My first job in Japan leads to me question some aspects of food safety and hygiene in advanced countries.

Move over, Paris! An introduction to Tokyo, the official gourmet capital of the world, ranging from the Michelin Diet of my imagination to the real-life American supermodel peanut butter diet and everything in between. Includes some practical advice for tourists visiting Japan and Taiwan on a budget and some irreverent comments about Japanese “obatarian” (battleaxes) and Starbucks.

I have been called many things in my time, but "Billy Idol gone wrong" surely takes the cake! Look beyond the differences in fashion sense and demeanour, however, and his fans might be surprised to discover that my supposed antithesis and I actually have some things in common. A reflection on how we expatriates come to assimilate physically in our adopted countries either by accident or design.

The English language owes much of its richness to the countless expressions borrowed from other tongues, and Japan has made some notable contributions to the lexicon. Very few native speakers of English are aware, however, of the etymology of some of the Japanese words they use. How many people would have realised, for example, that “karaoke” is partly a corruption of English?

Japan has been my home for such a long time now that it has become second nature, but sometimes I just want to escape the harsh, mundane realities of my everyday life by running away to somewhere safe but exotic, where I cannot speak the language and every moment of the day brings some new discovery. For me, that place has become the “beautiful island” of Taiwan, and the attractions are many.

Whenever I visit another country on business or for pleasure, I always make a point of seeing how the local people live and picturing how different my life would be if I lived among them. Part of my routine is to explore entire neighbourhoods on foot, but sometimes travelling as a semi-respectable, law-abiding male can present challenges of its own…

In East Asia, there is no escaping the many charms of Hello Kitty. Although the real Kitty White lives just down the road from me at Sanrio Puroland and has officially made her presence known at the campus where I work, she still remains very much a woman of mystery in some important respects...

Most people are loath to admit they have had work done, but I positively embrace my plastic! In fact, my life would have been quite different had I not agreed to go under the knife…

No matter where we hail from or where we have chosen to live, we long-term expatriates tend to kid ourselves that we are men of the world. Without the benefit of a local education, however, we will always be at a disadvantage compared to that tiny first-grader who lives next door. In this essay, a Taiwanese pop song inspires me to remedy one of the many gaps in my own knowledge.

Discretion may be my middle name, but it would be a disservice to some of my younger and more impressionable readers not to share at least one celebrity kiss-and-tell story of my own. Although the contents will almost certainly not be what you expect, they should still leave you feeling warm and fuzzy in a Hollywood sort of way. The lesson to be learned is that a single kiss can change a life.

When I was a mischievous tyke in Melbourne, no one imagined I would grow up to be an Australian lawyer, let alone a New York attorney or law professor in Japan. If my family had only been paying attention, however, they would have seen the signs when I dutifully removed my pyjamas at the door at the age of three. Naughty, but nice!

My late aunt and uncle enriched the lives of countless Australians and instilled in me a greater appreciation of opera, conservation, and religion. They also introduced me to the delights of Reef Beach, a haven for nudists on Sydney Harbour, before it fell victim to a misinformation campaign by some "moralistic" local residents. This is our story, plus some off-the-wall revelations from Japan.

Japanese naked communication was once too much for prudish American sailors to take, but attitudes had changed significantly by the time Marilyn Monroe arrived in Tokyo on her honeymoon. Today, people come from all over the world to engage in the practice, often unaware that there is more to it than just hot water. Here, I discuss the dynamics of communal bathing from a multicultural perspective.

In this essay, I discuss, with empathy, the concept of same-sex marriage from the perspective of someone who has both religious faith and a legal mind. In my view, opposition to marriage equality is not only misguided, but also morally, ethically, and legally wrong, and undermines the very institution of marriage. As the Bible says, "Love is happy with the truth," and love is all that matters.

“I’ve heard many bad stories about you, and you must admit that most of them are true!” Or were they just the product of a fertile imagination? Either way, I will love you and leave you for the fiftieth time with this…