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Currently broke and living in a dustbin. Please stop depositing your rubbish in my living room.
This bin operates under a finders keepers policy, and the following items will not be returned: Unshredded bank statements, your favourite hat (which your partner hated), and the growing collection of old socks (delivered by your washing machine every Tuesday).
I do not, however, have any need for body parts and would be thankful if you removed the remains of Mrs Simmons and disposed of her elsewhere.
Furthermore, I find your frequent use of expletives, whilst attempting to carry me and my home to the side of the road every week, highly offensive. I do not weigh a ton, and, due in part to your less than desirable cooking, I have lost a number of pounds since moving here.
I am not running a charity and my tolerance of your anti-social behaviour has limits. I am, however, willing to make an effort. Should you give me £1 for a cup of tea, I will, for the sake of community cohesion, endeavour to overlook your less than neighbourly behaviour.
Yours faithfully Adam Howell