Kaysoon Khoo


All the world's a comedy stage and each must play a clown. We're none of us totally sane. Actually, there's NO such thing as total sanity. You can't even define it. So laugh while you can. It doesn't cost a bleeding cent and you get your emotional rocks off. Who knows what tomorrow may bring? Circumstance doesn't always turn out the way you want it to and chance is a bitch, more often than not.

Having said this much, I don't have to explain why I write the way I do. I'd like to think that what I churn out is stuff you'll either love or loath. No halfway house, please. My life has always vacillated between extremes. And if we ever meet, give me a warm handshake -- or give me sufficient warning that you're going for my throat. I'll be publishing more madness on Smashwords as often as I can. And I'll be churning out and uploading more and more until that glorious day when they come to take me away.

Smashwords Interview

What does writing mean to you?
Writing is to me a most spontaneous way of outpouring -- and there's a lot within me that needs to be frequently regurgitated. Like everyone else I have opinions, unanswerable questions, aspirations, dreams, frustrations, fears, uncertainties -- you name them, I'm choked full with them. It's not easy to get others to listen to you. Sometimes they yawn in your face. At other times they stop you before you've uttered a dozen words and ask you to listen for a change. So I write. And when I write, I get say what I want to say -- and nobody tells me to go away or to just shut the hell up. It's a really beautiful and rewarding pastime. You should try it. It also enhances your inner growth, whatever the heck that means. It's much like to talking to yourself. I do a lot of that -- out loud. That's why when people meet me on the street they just smile and say hello -- but never draw too close.
What is the most important thing in life to you?
Sorry, you need to make that "the TWO most important things in life". I need both to be really happy. The first is health -- in both mind and body. There's no point being as strong as an ox while my mind functions like Mister Bean's, is there? So much for health. The second thing that completes my happiness is dough (which has no relation to flour). Yes, yes, it's the money, honey! How many times will you let me date you if I can't pick up the tab? On a more serious note, we all need those little pieces of coloured paper wherever we go and whatever we do. In this materialistic existence we all go through, we start spending as soon as we open our eyes each morning. You think not? Think about brushing your teeth and taking your bath and using the loo. All that water must be PAID for, my friends -- in currency, not words of appreciation. I think I've explained myself sufficiently, So I won't say more. Next interrogation!
Read more of this interview.

Where to find Kaysoon Khoo online


Salome, Dance For Me
Price: $0.99 USD. Words: 10,610. Language: English. Published: August 7, 2014. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » General, Fiction » Humor & comedy » General
You've heard of the Dance of the Seven Veils. You've seen Rita Hayworth do it on screen. But you've never come across a more horrendous re-telling of how Salome, patron saint of stripteasers, was paid for her choreographic efforts with the head of a prophet. Read on and be stunned. Caution: Not quite what you'd read to the little tyke at bedtime.
Toasting Happiness
Price: Free! Words: 2,550. Language: English. Published: July 15, 2014. Categories: Nonfiction » Inspiration » General self-help
It isn't easy to tell another how to be happy. You only know true happiness when you cease your desperate search for it. You stop looking. You pause. You marvel at life, at the world and at yourself. And you discover happiness has always been within you, right there for you to embrace. The joy of being alive is denied to none.
Adam And Streve -- In the Beginning
Price: Free! Words: 7,400. Language: English. Published: July 10, 2014. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » General
The word is out. Another Dead Sea Scroll has been unearthed. And this one says the two mortals who first walked the earth were not a man and a woman, but two DUDES! Here's the account of how they met, fell in love, committed the grievous sin of disobedience (not concupiscence) and fell from from grace. Like they say, reading is believing ...
I Do ... With a Difference
Price: Free! Words: 3,940. Language: English. Published: June 26, 2014. Categories: Nonfiction » Weddings » Wedding customs
Here are some pointers on how other people in other lands and in other times tied the matrimonial knot. If you’re adventurous, you might want to give some of their methods a try. If you’re smart, you’ll opt for the conventional and maintain your sanity. You’ll know why by the time you come to the end of this book.
The Hang of a Safe Bang
Price: Free! Words: 2,080. Language: English. Published: June 25, 2014. Categories: Nonfiction » Entertainment » Humor & satire
Some guys positively hate it. They say it’s like wading in water with your socks on. Of course sex is a whole lot more enjoyable without an artificial skin that’s always in the way. Yet between six and nine billion condoms are used each year all over the world. Which proves, beyond doubt, that man’s favorite sport isn’t not football – no, not even during the World Cup series.
Toasting Friendship
Price: Free! Words: 2,160. Language: English. Published: June 18, 2014. Categories: Nonfiction » Inspiration » Personal inspiration
What is a friend? When we try to define friendship we find it is not so easy. We realise it's something spontaneous, a regard that springs from the heart unbidden and flows like a blessing to another. Here is a heart-warming interpretation of what true friendship really means and how it enriches our days and our lives -- in bright moments as well as the darkest hours.
The End of Cleo
Price: Free! Words: 4,620. Language: British English. Published: June 7, 2014. Categories: Fiction » Historical » Ancient
An original rendition of the death scene of Cleopatra, presented in the form of a dialogue between the Egyptian queen and her handmaiden, Charmion. All inhibitions are scattered to the four winds as the two women unburden their souls and speak their minds before they die. As the author himself calls this piece "ghastly", you have a good idea what to expect!
Vinegar and Spice (An Outrageous Look at Human Foibles)
Price: $1.99 USD. Words: 54,790. Language: British English. Published: June 7, 2014. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » General, Fiction » Humor & comedy » General
A collection of insane observations that will make you guffaw, shriek, howl, cackle, squawk or screech, depending on the particular specie you belong to you. Short and punchy, the original jokes are, for the most part, one-liners. Simply ideal for those moments when you feel like manure and your desperate need is for a hilarious "pick-me-up" that works instantly.
The Arabian Nights Like Never Before
Price: $3.99 USD. Words: 63,150. Language: British English. Published: June 3, 2014. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » General, Fiction » Humor & comedy » Satire
A non-stop flow of hilarity which veers far from the original. It lampoons life and makes you realise there are more laughable things under the sky than are dreamed of in your philosophy. It's all about a cuckolded king whose grief turns him nuts ... from pistachio to macadamia to cashew ... until he is saved from his own madness by the machinations of a highly ingenious lass ...

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