Lorraine Ray


Lorraine Ray writes novels and short stories and loves to read. Born into an extremely obscure Tucson family, she has carried forward her great grandfather's interest in writing. He was a civilian packer with Gen. George Crook's army and late in life became a familiar visitor at the Arizona Historical Society where his autobiographies are now kept. The author of HEMLOCK STRAVENUE, LAST DAYS IN THE DESERT, TROMBONES CAN LAUGH, DASTARDLY, I WANT MY OWN BRAIN, GENUINE ABORIGINAL DEMOCRACY and A PHANTOM HERD married an Englishman and has spent several summer vacations with her husband and daughter tramping across the South Downs avoiding sheep droppings. Besides writing, one of her favorite jobs was a two-year stint as a lunch lady. She used that job to help her write JUAN AND WILLY. If you like to laugh, and you have a slightly warped view of the world, it's entirely possible that you would appreciate her books. On the other hand, there is always the other unfortunate possibility...

Smashwords Interview

What are you working on next?
I've published a new comic novel about an aging vigilante socialite named Elditha P. Warner. She's like the coyote in the roadrunner versus coyote cartoons, or perhaps a discombobulated Zorro. She has a chauffeur who drives her Rolls-Royce Corniche and she lives in a mansion called Villa Escorpion. Her plots are spectacularly unsuccessful. Last year I published Hollywood Worm Chronicles and two years ago I published a mystery called HEMLOCK STRAVENUE which seems to be doing well with mystery fans. My novel I WANT MY OWN BRAIN was turned into an audio book two years ago. I plan to hire voice actors to make more audio books.
What's the story behind your latest book?
I've had ELDITHA P. WARNER, VIGILANTE AT LARGE on my computer for more than sixteen years! I finally got around to finishing it. Feels good to put it on the done pile. I had so much fun writing Mother Maud and the chauffeur, though. It was hard to part with them.
Read more of this interview.

Where to find Lorraine Ray online


Phantom Roundup
Burdened with the task of collecting the desert's treasures by an old church lady, a girl narrowly avoids death from a scorpion, death by drowning and an attack by an unknown assailant while endlessly fumbling her choice of a hook for her cumbersome herd of stories.
A Phantom Herd
Price: Free!
Phantom Strays
Price: Free!


Elditha P. Warner, Vigilante at Large
Price: Free! Words: 60,710. Language: English. Published: June 12, 2020. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » Black comedy, Fiction » Humor & comedy » General
Eccentric socialite Elditha P. Warner's laser-like focus on injustice spawns disaster.
Hollywood Worm Chronicles
Price: Free! Words: 40,000. Language: English. Published: May 3, 2019. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » General
Marathon Studios flounders while producing an unintentionally hilarious sword and sandal film.
Familiar Artifacts
Price: Free! Words: 51,260. Language: English. Published: October 26, 2018. Categories: Fiction » Anthologies » General, Fiction » Horror » Weird fiction
Augment your ordinary day with a bevy of peculiar tales. This collection includes twelve anomalous short stories and eight odd micro tales.
Hemlock Stravenue
Price: Free! Words: 63,910. Language: English. Published: May 25, 2018. Categories: Fiction » Mystery & detective » Amateur sleuth
The dusty streets of South Tucson hide dangerous secrets for a young detective determined to investigate a mysterious neighborhood death.
What Remains of Teddy Redburn
Price: Free! Words: 24,570. Language: English. Published: May 26, 2017. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » Black comedy, Fiction » Mystery & detective » General
The disappearance of a multi-millionaire in the small town of Los Hombres triggers a comic and horrifying search for his briefcase stuffed with cash.
Price: Free! Words: 60,160. Language: English. Published: January 27, 2016. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » General, Fiction » Romance » General
Impoverished author Marc Viglietti languishes in his job at a rodeo parade museum while he dreams of fame and fortune from the ridiculous vampire westerns he can't stop penning.
Phantom Strays
Series: Phantom Roundup. Price: Free! Words: 57,050. Language: English. Published: February 13, 2015. Categories: Fiction » Literature » Literary
(1.00 from 1 review)
Were you there when "A Hard Day's Night" opened in America? Remember Wolfman Jack? Hit the streets of a desert town circa the '60s and '70s as the teen siblings from A Phantom Herd go mad for the Beatles, dance to rock and roll, and try to give LSD to a cowboy movie star. A zany, nostalgic look at American life in the southwest.
A Phantom Herd
Series: Phantom Roundup. Price: Free! Words: 100,040. Language: English. Published: February 21, 2014. Categories: Fiction » Literature » Literary
Nostalgic for a lost America? Was Chester from Gunsmoke your first crush? Visit the desert Southwest circa 1960 as refugees from Indiana and Ohio cope with cacti and tamales, and a family of kids lie and bluster their way through a frightening adult world. A gentle novel full of wonder and beauty. This is the first novel in a two-part series.
Trombones Can Laugh
Price: Free! Words: 52,680. Language: English. Published: September 12, 2013. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » General
Teen loner James Sauerbaugh wants nothing more than a chance to get his act together, when the Forces That Be land him in a Shriner band as a substitute trombonist. James discovers this band of decrepit drunks play circus screamers flawlessly. An ancient trombonist helps him develop an appreciation of the coots and their Shriner mission. Enjoy a fun adventure with a goofy band in 1970s Arizona.
Genuine Aboriginal Democracy
Price: Free! Words: 50,390. Language: English. Published: November 9, 2012. Categories: Fiction » Anthologies » Short stories - single author
(5.00 from 1 review)
An anthology of quirky short stories including: Uncertain Trysts, His Faithful Companion, Big Paper Skeleton, Fantasy Artifact, Genuine Aboriginal Democracy, Mother's Woman-Marine Bra, Work Out Your Own Salvation, Consciousness Raising, Metamorphosis of Me, Snake Dance Disaster, and On the Rio Mayo.
Last Days in the Desert
Price: Free! Words: 26,980. Language: English. Published: May 31, 2012. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » General
(4.00 from 1 review)
Stacie, Tiffany and Yadira hope to shut down their rental house and get back their security deposit before leaving town, but first they have to fix the gaping hole in the adobe wall and rid themselves of unwanted graduation "presents," both the result of an uproarious final party. This comic co-ed romp will keep you chuckling.
Juan and Willy
Price: Free! Words: 28,900. Language: English. Published: March 16, 2012. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » General
Who hasn't imagined finding a fortune in gold? Juan and Willy dream big, however their thinking is somewhat inadequate. After searching for a truck and struggling to babysit an 8-year-old who lives in the house that hides the gold map, this ridiculous pair blunder into danger at a toxic tailing pond. At least they have each other--as punching bags. A buddy comedy with a duo of lovable dimwits.
I Want My Own Brain
Price: Free! Words: 22,380. Language: English. Published: November 10, 2011. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » General
When you’ve cracked up like Aunt Helen, what you need is a weekend with an irrepressible child like Stephanie Falls. She’ll remind you of what it means to be truly alive. Stephanie makes a monkey of everyone, including her doting grandparents, but her joy for life unburdens the troubled mind of her aunt. A heart-warming, original tribute to the importance of finding the child inside us all.