Lorraine Ray


Lorraine Ray writes novels and short stories and loves to read. Born into an obscure and uninteresting Tucson family, she has carried forward her great grandfather's interest in writing. He was a civilian packer with Gen. George Crook's army and late in life became a familiar pest at the Arizona Historical Society where his autobiographies MY LIFE IN THE WEST and REMINISCENCES AS TOLD TO MRS. KITT are now kept far away from the reading public. The author of LAST DAYS IN THE DESERT, TROMBONES CAN LAUGH, DASTARDLY, I WANT MY OWN BRAIN, GENUINE ABORIGINAL DEMOCRACY and A PHANTOM HERD married an Englishman and has spent several summer vacations with her husband and daughter tramping across the South Downs avoiding sheep droppings. Besides writing, one of her favorite jobs was a two-year stint as a crazy lunch lady. She used that job to help her write JUAN AND WILLY. If you like to laugh, and you have a slightly warped view of the world, you might like her books.

Smashwords Interview

What's the story behind your latest book?
WHAT REMAINS OF TEDDY REDBURN, 257 downloads so far, is the story of a town gone crazy for treasure hunting. Teddy Redburn, millionaire manufacturer of substandard mattresses, disappears and the town folk tear the desert hills apart looking for his cash. Instead of his missing briefcase of money, they find something horrifying, and rather comman in the desert southwest. DASTARDLY was published in February 2016 and it has 399 downloads so far. This novel of 60,000 words has been kicking around in my done pile for a long time, but I never got around to editing it. I think the reader will like the character of Vig, the writer of terrible vampire stories, and enjoy his verbal duels with romance writer Marsha. I had a chance to write some of my silly horror story ideas and pretend they were someone else's! TROMBONES CAN LAUGH isn't my latest, but it is based on my older brother's experience substituting as a trombonist in a Shriner band in the 1970s. A conductor at one performance really had a teeny fake arm. According to my brother, the Shriners in the band were all outrageous drunks, but nice old guys. A clown did not terrorize him. I made that up.
What are you working on next?
A small book of 25,000 words came out last May. WHAT REMAINS OF TEDDY REDBURN tells the story of the treasure hunting frenzy that takes over a small Arizona town when a mattress manufacturer from Las Vegas disappears with a satchel of money. I'm also still drafting a new comic novel about Hollywood circa 1964. The title is undetermined at this time, but it includes a cast of ridiculous characters who are filming a sword and sandal movie (think Steve Reeves!) in Calexico, California. The studio making "Hercules Meets the Worm Men from Outer Space" is close to bankruptcy, the director won't get out of bed, and the worm men masks were never made. By the novel's end of course all problems are solved and a young man from Indiana named Bobby finds a best friend and becomes a star. My goal is for the book to exceed 100,000 words by the end of the summer. It's my ode to Hollywood and those crazy he-men/monster movies I used to love. I will be publishing a mystery called HEMLOCK STRAVENUE in the next month. My novel I WANT MY OWN BRAIN is being turned into a podcast this month.
Read more of this interview.

Where to find Lorraine Ray online


Phantom Roundup
Burdened with the task of collecting the desert's treasures by an old church lady, a girl narrowly avoids death from a scorpion, death by drowning and an attack by an unknown assailant while endlessly fumbling her choice of a hook for her cumbersome herd of stories.

A Phantom Herd

Price: Free!

Phantom Strays

Price: Free!


Familiar Artifacts
Price: Free! Words: 51,260. Language: English. Published: October 26, 2018. Categories: Fiction » Anthologies » General, Fiction » Horror » Weird fiction
Augment your ordinary day with a bevy of peculiar tales. This collection includes twelve anomalous short stories and eight odd micro tales.
Hemlock Stravenue
Price: Free! Words: 63,910. Language: English. Published: May 25, 2018. Categories: Fiction » Mystery & detective » Amateur sleuth
The dusty streets of South Tucson hide dangerous secrets for a young detective determined to investigate a mysterious neighborhood death.
What Remains of Teddy Redburn
Price: Free! Words: 24,570. Language: English. Published: May 26, 2017. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » Black comedy, Fiction » Mystery & detective » General
The disappearance of a multi-millionaire in the small town of Los Hombres triggers a comic and horrifying search for his briefcase stuffed with cash.
Price: Free! Words: 60,160. Language: English. Published: January 27, 2016. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » General, Fiction » Romance » General
Obnoxious, impoverished author Marc Viglietti suffers in his job at a museum while he dreams of fame and fortune from the innumerable, ridiculous vampire westerns he can't stop penning. When he takes money from his chief foil, Marsha, a romance author, he believes she has developed a crush on him after years of him babysitting her daughter Bailey. Will Vig learn anything about love and decency?
Phantom Strays
Series: Phantom Roundup. Price: Free! Words: 57,050. Language: English. Published: February 13, 2015. Categories: Fiction » Literature » Literary
(1.00 from 1 review)
Were you there when "A Hard Day's Night" opened in America? Remember Wolfman Jack? Hit the streets of a desert town circa the '60s and '70s as the teen siblings from A Phantom Herd go mad for the Beatles, dance to rock and roll, and try to give LSD to a cowboy movie star. A zany, nostalgic look at American life in the southwest.
A Phantom Herd
Series: Phantom Roundup. Price: Free! Words: 100,040. Language: English. Published: February 21, 2014. Categories: Fiction » Literature » Literary
Nostalgic for a lost America? Was Chester from Gunsmoke your first crush? Visit the desert Southwest circa 1960 as refugees from Indiana and Ohio cope with cacti and tamales, and a family of kids lie and bluster their way through a frightening adult world. A gentle novel full of wonder and beauty. This is the first novel in a two-part series.
Trombones Can Laugh
Price: Free! Words: 52,680. Language: English. Published: September 12, 2013. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » General
Teen loner James Sauerbaugh wants nothing more than a chance to get his act together, when the Forces That Be land him in a Shriner band as a substitute. James discovers this band of decrepit drunks play circus screamers flawlessly. An ancient trombonist helps him develop an appreciation of the old coots and their Shriner mission. A touching, fun book that links generations.
Genuine Aboriginal Democracy
Price: Free! Words: 50,390. Language: English. Published: November 9, 2012. Categories: Fiction » Anthologies » Short stories - single author
(5.00 from 1 review)
An anthology of quirky short stories including: Uncertain Trysts, His Faithful Companion, Big Paper Skeleton, Fantasy Artifact, Genuine Aboriginal Democracy, Mother's Woman-Marine Bra, Work Out Your Own Salvation, Consciousness Raising, Metamorphosis of Me, Snake Dance Disaster, and On the Rio Mayo.
Last Days in the Desert
Price: Free! Words: 26,980. Language: English. Published: May 31, 2012. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » General
(4.00 from 1 review)
Stacie, Tiffany and Yadira hope to shut down their rental house and get back their security deposit before leaving town, but first they have to fix the gaping hole in the adobe wall and rid themselves of unwanted graduation "presents," both the result of an uproarious final party. This comic co-ed romp will keep you chuckling.
Juan and Willy
Price: Free! Words: 28,900. Language: English. Published: March 16, 2012. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » General
Who hasn't imagined finding a fortune in gold? Juan and Willy dream big like everyone, however their thinking is somewhat inadequate. After searching for a truck and struggling to babysit an 8-year-old who lives in the house with the gold map, this ridiculous pair blunder into danger at a toxic tailing pond. At least they have each other--as punching bags. A buddy comedy with a duo of dimwits.
Squaw Dresses
Price: Free! Words: 2,910. Language: English. Published: December 16, 2011. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » General
A society maven with a small dress factory uses intimidation to sell her leftover squaw dresses.
Consciousness Raising
Price: Free! Words: 5,970. Language: English. Published: November 21, 2011. Categories: Fiction » Literature » Literary
A young girl who endures a badgering at a consciousness raising foolishly marries a scolding, caustic husband.
I Want My Own Brain
Price: Free! Words: 22,380. Language: English. Published: November 10, 2011. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » General
When you’ve cracked up like Aunt Helen, what you need is a weekend with an irrepressible child like Stephanie Falls. She’ll remind you of what it means to be truly alive. Stephanie makes a monkey of everyone, including her doting grandparents, but her joy for life unburdens the troubled mind of her aunt. A heart-warming, original tribute to the importance of finding the child inside us all.

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