Lindsay Johannsen

Biography

There's not a lot to tell really, though on reflection, looking back on it through the lens of one’s recollections and memories, the whole business seems more akin to an extended Huckleberry Finn adventure, but set in the vastness of Central Australia.

Born, raised and schooled in Alice Springs; taken from the leafy glades of learning mid-way through Year-eight to work at my father's remote little copper mine; later employed for some years driving his cattle-hauling road trains – him having pioneered road trains and the cattle hauling business (see "Kurt Johannsen: A Son of the Red Centre").
Married in the fullness of time; built a bush homestead on the northern edge of the Simpson Desert and raised a family there, all while running a small tungsten mining business and provisioning the hundred or so Aboriginal people local to the area who adopted us.
Sold our mine and homestead a few years after the kids had flown the coop, acquired a forty foot (12m) touring coach, converted it into a big steel-wheel mobeel Palaise-de-passion motor home and took to the roads of this great land of Oz - in the main visiting our offspring (most of whom had moved to coastal regions), our grandchildren generally and a couple of great grandies, plus various friends and associates from years gone by.

So these days all I have to do is keep the missus happy – my Bride my Precious Lamb and Flower of the Early Mid Morning.
'Anywhere you wish, my darling,' I tell her. 'You just say the word and we'll be on our way.'
So it's free as the breeze, we are now, out and about having wild and exciting adventures and being amazingly cool generally.

Best job I ever had.

Where to buy in print


Series

Far From The Urban Sprawl ... tall tales and ripping yarns from The Land Of OZ
…wherein one has garnered together a selection of one's tawdry scribblings, all of which could be reasonably described in the main (by any one of you fair-minded readers at least – generally and in the broader context by and large), as being possessed of sufficient likeness in thrust and theme (along with similar words and punctuation here and there), for you to agree pretty much with the notion of my placing them together this way – that is to say, in a loosely defined category, collection or series even, such as you now see before you. ––Oh yes. And there are three more of these outback stories in the series "Christmas Under The Banyan Tree". Thank you.

A Bushman's Tail

Price: Free!

Sweat Dreams

Price: Free!

The Gift

Price: Free!
Kid Stuff
Some of one's children's items – a couple recent, a couple less so – all written with a particular grandchild in mind and each written with the notion of it being read aloud to them, so explaining the use of a word or two that may seem beyond the item's apparent age range. But meeting new words is part of a child's learning and growing, so I've never shied away from doing it. As a rough guide, "…Billy Boiglebird" and "Raggedydax" are for 5 to 10's or so, "The Enchanted Music Box" 7 to 12 perhaps and "The Fat Frog Song" is for the littlies. As for "Grandma And Me, And Bernard, My Elephant"... well, that's specially for kids aged between two and eleventy.

The Fat Frog Song

Price: Free!
Tales From The Tar Baby
This is a partially illustrated travelogue series of sorts, Dear Reader, wherein I describe some of our travels and adventures in the motorhome Tar Baby. I feel obliged to warn you, however, that it comes with all of the free-ranging reminiscences, observations, comments and asides that came to mind as I wrote - the majority of them relevant but others a little less so. Some are drawn from events recent and some from earlier lifetimes and journeys, while others are simple reflections on life's grand adventure and the universe in general. And, being a seasoned traveller yourself, you will recognise at once which of the pictures I paint are fair-dinkum honest-to-God "Struth!!!", which of them are slightly less so, and which have been spiced with the salt of irreverence or a modicum of lunacy - as the whim will have taken me. And if you've ever been taken by a whim, mon ami, you'll know exactly what to watch for. So come join us. Fill your glass and let me show you where the winds of fate have taken us, all full of joi-de-vrie so to speak (or whatever it says on the empties), our faces turned to the dawn of a bright new day. I wrest my case.

To The Isles Of Brit

Price: Free!
CHRISTMAS UNDER THE BANYAN TREE Tales of the Festive Season
All bar the last of these is set in Central Australia circa the early 1950’s. The first story, “A Ring For Angelina”, is actually a love story, but is included here because its two conclusions, separated in time, both involve a celebration of Christmas. “Christmas Day At The Sweet Angel Mine” describes a diabolical plot, hatched well prior to the twenty fifth and carried out on the dark and moonless eve of its anniversary. In “The Best Of Christmas Presents”, a couple of Northern Territory old timers are forced by circumstance into a day or so of total inactivity, with little to do but eat, sleep and reminisce... And “The Three Wizened Men” tells of some little known goings-on which happened to take place at the same time as those momentous events in a certain manger … and even came to mesh with them briefly.

A Ring For Angelina

Price: Free!

Books

Mr Ron And His Remarkable Flying Machine
Series: Far From The Urban Sprawl ... tall tales and ripping yarns from The Land Of OZ. Price: Free! Words: 4,910. Language: Australian English. Published: February 2, 2017. Categories: Essay » Technology, Nonfiction » Entertainment » Biography
(4.00 from 1 review)
It was 1973. "Look at this!" I said, showing my bride a picture in a magazine. "What IS it?" she asked. "It's an elemental flying machine," I replied. "I'm going to buy one." (And here I quote the BBC's famous Goons: "Are you mad?" / "I have a certificate." / "But it will mean certain death!" / "…it is, um, a Death Certificate.") …and yet! Here I am, many adventures later, still alive and writing.
Have You Seen This Boy? - The Mysterious Mystery Of Willy McCoy, Aged Nine And A Half.
Series: Kid Stuff. Price: Free! Words: 30. Language: Australian English. Published: January 9, 2017. Categories: Fiction » Children’s books » Short Stories, Fiction » Humor & comedy » General
(360 words, actually - text on pics.) A timeless mystery. One which will endure for minutes even.
Grandma And Me, And Bernard, My Elephant
Series: Kid Stuff. Price: Free! Words: 20. Language: Australian English. Published: December 15, 2016. Categories: Fiction » Children’s books » Poetry, Fiction » Humor & comedy » General
(4.00 from 1 review)
(200 Words, actually; text on pics.) An illustrated poem for a treasured grand daughter, showing some of Life's unexpected twists and turns – a chance meeting, a blossoming friendship, then discovery, disaster and a tragic parting of ways.
Life Sentence
Price: Free! Words: 230. Language: Australian English. Published: October 8, 2016. Categories: Nonfiction » Relationships & Family » Marriage
(4.50 from 2 reviews)
A poem dedicated to my late wife ... of our meeting, our fifty six years together, and reflections on life and being alone.
A Pollie's Progress
Price: Free! Words: 620. Language: Australian English. Published: September 28, 2016. Categories: Fiction » Poetry » Australian & Oceanian, Fiction » Humor & comedy » Satire
(5.00 from 2 reviews)
…being a few of one’s idle-moment word-doodles – 48, 49, 50! These short descriptions need at least fifty characters, see.
The Great A4 Paper Swindle
Price: Free! Words: 2,870. Language: Australian English. Published: July 23, 2016. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » General, Fiction » Mashups
(3.00 from 1 review)
Don’t ask me. I mean make of this what you will. The question is, where does this stuff come from? OK; I had a temperature, felt like a dog's breakfast generally, and the missus was feeding me her aspirin, honey, lemon juice and 240Volt OP rum alleged cough mixture. (I mean this can't really be happening. When I open my eyes I'll be young and handsome again and all will be sunshine and happiness…)
To The Isles Of Brit
Series: Tales From The Tar Baby. Price: Free! Words: 18,120. Language: Australian English. Published: April 2, 2016. Categories: Nonfiction » Travel » Essays & Travelogues, Fiction » Humor & comedy » General
Being an account of me and the Missus’ random wanderings about the UK circa 1998. It comes complete with genuine Aussie observations and insights, pithy comments and rambling asides, as we show you the sights, soak up the “culcha”, have adventures and land on distant rellies unannounced. I took plenty of photos too, but I can’t find the buggers. And the Web has better ones anyway – by the umpty.
Mirage Resources International Pty Ltd (No Liability), and the Curious Affair of the Golden Windle Investment Project
Series: Far From The Urban Sprawl ... tall tales and ripping yarns from The Land Of OZ. Price: Free! Words: 4,700. Language: Australian English. Published: February 4, 2016. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » General, Fiction » Mashups
Aussie battlers are built tough. Best them, burn ‘em out, bankrupt the buggers and back they’ll come, bold as brass and tonguing for another go – or ready to give something else a try. It’s their overarching optimism, see. And an ability to be philosophical about failure in any form, be it through crook fortune, flood, drought or disaster. But, as in any society, there are always “birds of prey” …
Raggedydax The Robot Comes To Planet Earth
Series: Kid Stuff. Price: Free! Words: 5,480. Language: Australian English. Published: January 5, 2016. Categories: Fiction » Children’s books » Short Stories, Fiction » Humor & comedy » Parody
A tale of epic proportions for the kiddies – of inspired pioneering invention, of galaxy-wide space-exploration and the utterly gut-wrenching strangeness of alien worlds and cultures, and of grit, determination and fortitude in the face of immense adversity. They’ll laugh, they’ll cry, they’ll scream for mercy, but most of all they’ll beg you to stop reading it to them.
The Best Of Christmas Presents
Series: CHRISTMAS UNDER THE BANYAN TREE Tales of the Festive Season. Price: Free! Words: 3,820. Language: Australian English. Published: August 25, 2015. Categories: Fiction » Adventure » General, Fiction » Mashups
(4.50 from 4 reviews)
The essence of this story is true, Dear Reader. Ahh me; I wish I could claim it as my own but it was related to me by the individual himself. One has merely devised a means of passing it on to you.
The Prospector
Series: Far From The Urban Sprawl ... tall tales and ripping yarns from The Land Of OZ. Price: Free! Words: 630. Language: Australian English. Published: June 20, 2015. Categories: Fiction » Poetry » Australian & Oceanian, Fiction » Humor & comedy » General
A poem, wherein a bushman from the late eighteen hundreds reflects on his life and times as a gold prospector…
The Story Of The Great Steam Calliope
Price: Free! Words: 4,060. Language: Australian English. Published: June 16, 2015. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » General, Fiction » Mashups
An inverse correlation seems to exist between an invention's size and its numerical success. Small inventions can infest the world (mobile phones, Velcro, spray cans); larger ones may seem to (shopping trolleys, cars, shipping containers), but really huge ones (suspension bridges, radio telescopes, tunnel boring machines etc) do not. Norman Watt's invention was at the latter category's extreme end
Tales From The Tar Baby "Southward Ho!"
Series: Tales From The Tar Baby. Price: Free! Words: 8,220. Language: Australian English. Published: May 31, 2015. Categories: Nonfiction » Travel » Road travel, Fiction » Humor & comedy » General
Being recollections and observations of 1950's 60's and 70's trips between Alice Springs and Adelaide, comparisons with the journey today and tales of our more recent travels and adventures in and about Adelaide, South Australia's Riverlands and the eastern Eyre Peninsular wheat fields to as far as Port Lincoln, the latter amid the comfort and amenities of our touring coach/motor home "Tar Baby".
Tales From The Acacia Trees
Price: Free! Words: 7,830. Language: Australian English. Published: May 17, 2015. Categories: Essay » Author profile, Fiction » Humor & comedy » General
This is one of those "Getting to know the author" things, or more accurately, "Getting to know the author as a feral eight to eleven year old" (or even, "Getting to be thankful you never had the misfortune of meeting the author as a feral eight to eleven-or-more year old"). Whatever the case, my associates and I in those bygone days simply saw ourselves (with concessions), as the Kings of Creation
The Fat Frog Song
Series: Kid Stuff. Price: Free! Words: 500. Language: Australian English. Published: April 30, 2015. Categories: Fiction » Children’s books » Entertainment, Fiction » Humor & comedy » General
(5.00 from 2 reviews)
As the name implies, this is actually a song. I could say I wrote it for the grandies but the truth is… Well it's like The Enchanted Music Box; it just came into my stream of consciousness. I wrestled the words into shape, arranged the tune that came with it and sang it onto a CD. But the world isn't ready for that just yet, so instead I've illustrated it and put it up as a poem for the littlies…
The Parker-Flinte Expedition
Series: Far From The Urban Sprawl ... tall tales and ripping yarns from The Land Of OZ. Price: Free! Words: 6,380. Language: Australian English. Published: April 28, 2015. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » Parody, Fiction » Mashups
During the nineteenth century many an expedition set out to explore the vast Australian interior. Some achieved their goal and some were beaten back by conditions or hostile inhabitants. Others met with disaster – sometimes due to circumstance, occasionally of their own making – and one or two disappeared completely, no trace of their remains ever found. This one never even made the history books.
The Brass Pandemonium
Series: Far From The Urban Sprawl ... tall tales and ripping yarns from The Land Of OZ. Price: Free! Words: 2,880. Language: Australian English. Published: April 17, 2015. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » General, Fiction » Mashups
As the years mount one’s outlook on life can mellow, and oft with this comes an inclination to rail less vigorously against the elements (you might say), to see one's failures in a softer light and to be less reticent in trumpeting one's triumphs – though softly still and with elemental decorum. So let me open the door on my private life and affairs the merest fraction and I’ll tell you a story…
The Gift
Series: Far From The Urban Sprawl ... tall tales and ripping yarns from The Land Of OZ. Price: Free! Words: 5,040. Language: Australian English. Published: March 30, 2015. Categories: Fiction » Women's fiction » General, Fiction » Romance » Action/adventure
Ingrained ideas and notions often prevent those of widely differing cultural backgrounds from getting along, though from time to time events conspire to rub their noses in it. This story involving my Dad and Step Mum is true, but I was just an eight YO schoolboy and so only overheard fragments of it being told to others. As a result I've had to paint a picture around it and change or invent names…
The Granny In The Red GTS
Price: Free! Words: 3,630. Language: Australian English. Published: March 15, 2015. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » General
The grandmother mentioned here, Dear Reader, was my beloved stepmother, and the story, in essence, is true. Yet painting a picture faithful to her person and personality meant applying a little poetic licence (so to speak), an indulgence I hope you will understand and appreciate.
A Ring For Angelina
Series: CHRISTMAS UNDER THE BANYAN TREE Tales of the Festive Season. Price: Free! Words: 9,160. Language: Australian English. Published: March 9, 2015. Categories: Fiction » Romance » General, Fiction » Romance » Short stories
A Love Story – 1949, the Harts Range mica fields north east of Alice Springs in Central Australia: difficult conditions, demanding work, hard times generally, a seemingly worsening situation … and Christmas approaching.
Tales From The Tar Baby "...Up The Track"
Series: Tales From The Tar Baby. Price: Free! Words: 14,460. Language: Australian English. Published: February 18, 2015. Categories: Nonfiction » Travel » Road travel, Fiction » Mashups
(5.00 from 3 reviews)
Being memories and observations from selected events and personal experiences gathered during trips from Alice Springs to Darwin over one's lifetime, fifteen hundred K's from the Red Heart to the Top End – most recently in our retirement motor-home Tar Baby. How boring, thinks you. And so did I at first, but as I started writing I began to remember things, some recent and others from my childhood…
Sweat Dreams
Series: Far From The Urban Sprawl ... tall tales and ripping yarns from The Land Of OZ. Price: Free! Words: 3,150. Language: Australian English. Published: January 9, 2015. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » General, Fiction » Mashups
Dreams are just dreams, right? And as Jack Cadney says in my towering literary work "McCullock's Gold", how can dreams have any meaning when everything in them is so crazy? …And yet, on rare occasions, someone dreams some winning lottery numbers or which horse will win the Melbourne Cup. Oh yes. And for your information, a "Sydney Harbour" is the standard Australian unit of mega-gargantuan volume.
The Enchanted Music Box
Series: Kid Stuff. Price: Free! Words: 9,230. Language: Australian English. Published: December 30, 2014. Categories: Fiction » Children’s books » Family / General
(5.00 from 3 reviews)
I wrote this little piece some years back for my grand daughter's tenth birthday. It's a story about a girl on the cusp of turning ten, her grandfather, an antique music box and some very special magic. It turned out a little longer than I’d intended, as it happened, but, you know, you get that. --Oh yes. And "She'll be jake" is dated Aussie slang for "It'll be okay", but I'm a bit dated meself.
The Three Wizened Men
Series: CHRISTMAS UNDER THE BANYAN TREE Tales of the Festive Season. Price: Free! Words: 1,950. Language: Australian English. Published: December 21, 2014. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » General, Fiction » Mashups
(4.50 from 2 reviews)
Nothing happens in isolation. Momentous events are always accompanied by peripheral happenings, each with a greater or lesser link to the main issue. Often these affairs are overshadowed, and when the dust finally settles and the official accounts are written they are, for one reason or another, not included. Such applied to certain other doings relevant to that first Christmas Day...
Christmas Day at the Sweet Angel Mine
Series: CHRISTMAS UNDER THE BANYAN TREE Tales of the Festive Season. Price: Free! Words: 2,090. Language: Australian English. Published: November 9, 2014. Categories: Fiction » Holiday » Christmas
(5.00 from 2 reviews)
Two slightly suspect larrikins working a small remote Central Australian mine celebrate Christmas there during the height of a typically oppressive summer – hot as buggery, the odd whirlywind trying to tear their shelter apart, not a breath of wind otherwise, bushflies by the million – and a perceived wrong they see as needing a slight umm ... “adjustment”.
Kevin Cassidy The Cassidy Chronicles
Price: Free! Words: 105,100. Language: Australian English. Published: September 25, 2014. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » General, Fiction » Mashups
...being the questionable memoirs of a certain North Queensland high school boy on his 1950’s journey through the leafy glades of learning. But (shock horror!), it's in the first-person present tense, the mark of a rank amateur. Yet this was the only way I could make the story work, dear reader, and you, with your perspective and experience, will judge it for yourself (hopefully with a smile).
The Adventures of Billy Boiglebird and his Small Automatic Wind Powered Galactic Space-Shrink Transporter Gizmo
Series: Kid Stuff. Price: Free! Words: 4,070. Language: Australian English. Published: September 1, 2014. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » General, Fiction » Children’s books » Entertainment
(5.00 from 1 review)
I wrote this story for my great grandchildren and they enjoyed it immensely. Your little grandies might like it too. And you may even find it amusing yourself … or enjoy reading it to your young’ns, anyway. (…and let me say, dear reader, that you do so with my very warmest compliments.) L.J.
My Lying Bathroom Mirror (M)
Price: Free! Words: 220. Language: Australian English. Published: August 20, 2014. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » Satire
(5.00 from 1 review)
A short poem, wif words what rhymes even, in celebration of your visit to my Smashwords Page.
My Lying Bathroom Mirror (F)
Price: Free! Words: 230. Language: Australian English. Published: August 20, 2014. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » Satire
(5.00 from 2 reviews)
A short poem, wif words what rhymes even, in celebration of your visit to my Smashwords Page.
The Curious Affair of Scuppers Bilgewater and the Lesser Speckled Dunk Island Scrub Hen
Series: Far From The Urban Sprawl ... tall tales and ripping yarns from The Land Of OZ. Price: Free! Words: 3,560. Language: Australian English. Published: August 18, 2014. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » Satire, Fiction » Mashups
(4.50 from 2 reviews)
In my earlier days I was quite the foolhardy young rake and had a great many outrageously wild and exciting adventures. This is not one of them.
A Bushman's Tail
Series: Far From The Urban Sprawl ... tall tales and ripping yarns from The Land Of OZ. Price: Free! Words: 5,070. Language: Australian English. Published: August 13, 2014. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » Satire, Fiction » Mashups
(4.67 from 3 reviews)
All countries have some interesting local characters out in their rural back blocks, but these two somewhat defective old-timers are in a league of their own.
Uncle Jasper and the Eighty Acres
Series: Far From The Urban Sprawl ... tall tales and ripping yarns from The Land Of OZ. Price: Free! Words: 6,570. Language: Australian English. Published: August 5, 2014. Categories: Fiction » Humor & comedy » Satire
(3.00 from 1 review)
A look at the old rascal's life … not so much wasted exactly; more seemingly let drift. Yet things are not always as they might appear…
McCullock's Gold
Price: Free! Words: 86,960. Language: Australian English. Published: November 30, 2013. Categories: Fiction » Mystery & detective » General
(4.20 from 5 reviews)
McCullock’s gold is an Australian murder mystery set on the northern edge of the Simpson Desert. There’s an abandoned 4x4, its missing driver, some missing gold, some bad guys and some bodies - plus a smart-arse Aboriginal mechanic who helps the local bush copper solve it all, while at the same time trying not to divulge any of the sensitive cultural information lying at the heart of the affair.

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Smashwords book reviews by Lindsay Johannsen

  • The Busy Ant on April 28, 2015

    Ants can be such busy things, They rush about all day But if they bite it really stings So don’t get in their way. (A charming little bedtime story)